1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Vent

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Fairybread, Dec 8, 2013.

  1. Fairybread

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2011
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I moved house last weekend. I feel much better. My new flatmates aren't mean to me all the time. My old ones verbally bullied me almost every day. They even said that they had to make an effort to say only one nice thing a day about me. Like it was my fault they were so horrible to me. Like my existence displeased them. They'd say horrible things about me, my friends, and even my girlfriend, when I got one. I often ended up going to my room and just crying.

    I have depression, and I'm currently not receiving treatment for it. Being in that environment didn't help. In fact, I was getting better, slowly. Sure, I was still down most of the time, but my happiness was more frequent, more intense, and lasted longer.

    Until they stopped paying rent/bills. I was the only one paying the full amount for over a month. They were spending their money on weed and alcohol. Now, I personally don't care what people do in their spare time. If they wanna smoke weed (illegal in nz) or drink alcohol, I don't care. I do care when it starts interfering with rent. They put the house in 2.5k worth of debt. 1k of that is under my name. That means I'm liable for it. Another 1k is for rent - I won't get my bond back. The stress of all this has caused me to seriously consider suicide again.

    Now, I'm lucky I have an amazing friend who convinced me it wasn't worth it, and I'm okay again. Or at least, not suicidal. It's just unfair that it reached that point. I've been trying so hard to get better, without meds or therapy (difficult, but possible). It's been slow, but I've been getting there. I haven't self harmed since March 28, 2012, nor attempted suicide since July 9, 2011. I'm doing it with the support of my closest friends, forcing myself to actually go out places and not isolate, eating better, sleeping adequately.

    But this latest setback.. It's like, what's the point in trying? What's the point in trying so hard to get better only to have it destroyed by mere words. I've been stressed to the point where physically exploding actually seems possible. A spontaneous pressure explosion.

    I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Originally it was going to be "I moved house last weekend and my new flatmates don't bully me all the time like my old ones did" posted in Post Secret. I guess I need to get all this out. All the frustration and hurt. I don't really expect anyone to read/reply/care all that much, for I feel somewhat invisible. Like I can't make a difference.

    I've been on meds before (SSRI and SNRI) and they made it worse. I've been to therapy, and that didn't really help. But that's because I was unwilling to open up. There's something about opening up to a near stranger that scares me. I'm not ruling these out, I'm willing to try again. I can see a free therapist next year, one on campus where I'm studying. I know I need help of some form, but I don't know what. I don't know how to accept help, or even to ask for it.

    Tl;dr, my ex-flatmates used to bully me, the stress from 2.5k worth of debt is worsening my existing depression, which I've been working on. Congrats if you got this far, and sorry it's so long.

    Thank you for reading.
     
  2. StephenSC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2013
    Messages:
    133
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Queensland, Australia
    Hello.

    It's fantastic that you've taken yourself out of such a toxic environment. (The people you were living with sound like scumbags) It very sad how much misery the people around us can inflict, even if we should know yourselves better. It's just so hard to shake outside thoughts for some reason, when we let your own fade so readily.

    As someone who also has (does) suffered depression I'm really glad you are able to open up and talk about it honestly. I found doing so was one of the most helpful things for me. It's nice just to be able to vent and get your thoughts out into the open. Sometimes it helps you see elements of them you didn't before, or puts them into a different type of perspective for you. (I'd encourage you to continue to do so, hopefully in time it will make you more comfortable to opening yourself up to therapy.)

    It's also great that you've got such a cool friend who is helping you, trust me when I say they care about you. You make a difference to them, you certainly aren't invisible and people do care about you. The money those idiots have cost you really sucks, it will make things tough on you for awhile, but money comes and goes... but friends like that don't. They are forever.


    Lastly, though I'm not sure you care about what some random Australian thinks... you seem like a very kindhearted and smart (well spoken) person. Think more highly of yourself!