Hello All, This is long and my English is not good. apologies for that I joined this forum many months back but never actively participated, though i am a regular reader of this forum. Well, I have always known that I am a Gay. I am a 100% gay and even a thought of hugging a woman grosses me out. having said that, I am a straight acting closeted gay. I have tried my best to not let people know that i am a gay. though i have been less calculative these days and have started being myself at least with few of my friends which may have let them believe that i am not so straight after all. but who cares? I am sick of talking about girls all the time. anyways, I joined this particulate college two years back and its a very reputed college where only extremely meritorious students get admission. within 4 months of the college i met a guy, D. D had a girlfriend in home town (which he claimed to love so much that he will marry her) but that didn't deter him to hug me every time he saw me, make long eye contacts with me, stare at me when i am not looking at him, hold my hands and roam around, hold my waist, once he even tried to kiss me while hugging etc. and like a fool i fell for this guy (a closeted person like me longs for someone more than anyone and even a slightest sign of care and love by another guy means a lot to me and that person gets special place in my heart). I fell head over heel. Spent nights thinking about him, could not eat properly, could not sleep, his face was everywhere i go and my heart pounded like anything when he was around. He was my first love and i couldn't take the pain any more. Love is blind and i chose to overlook the fact that he has a girlfriend in his hometown who he wants to marry and i decided to confess my feelings to him (I was 90% sure that he would say a yes for reasons i mentioned in last paragraph). but like most of the gay love story, mine was a failure too. He rejected me and said that he had no idea why i thought that he might be interested in a homo relationship (seriously?) I was devastated, My secret was finally out but he promised that he won't tell this to anybody else in the college (which he has kept till now). Well, three consecutive nights i begged him to accept me and each night his answer would be same and with more firmness. following few days i went into complete depression and tried to kill myself which obviously didn't work. well time passed and i started ignoring him. I wouldn't even look at him, though he would stare at me every now and then and the fact that we had to sit in the same class made my life a hell. everyday felt like a battle and i felt like cutting myself off from everyone. I din't have any zeal or enthusiasm to do anything. I lost interest in everything. i had this hope in my heart that maybe he is lying and he may come back to me (why was he still staring at me?) and i would made efforts to impress him but alas! all was vain. 1 year after my rejection, i was still not over him and one day i had him in my dream and my feelings for him grew manifold. the very next morning, i went to him and told him that i am just not able to get over him. his answer was still same 'NO'. After this i expected my self to be broken. well, i was broken for days (I had no one to share my feeling with and every day i had to take a happy fact to the class and behave as if everything is fine) but to my surprise, i lost the hope that i had in my heart and this helped me cope up with the situation better. but i still wasn't over him (what was in him? is the first love difficult to forget for everyone?) but then i became close to one of my friends 'P' and his roommate 'R'. P and R both are the kind of people i felt enjoying myself with. one day P came to my room for some reason and we end up having some physical proximity, he held my hand for long and lied on my bed. at this point of time, i still wasn't over D but i did like this gesture of P (Ain't I am a fool? ) I knew that i had to control myself and not let P use me just like D did. so I tried my best. but later, he started behaving strange with me, i have always considered him to be a very sporty guy who can never be non- straight, but he, one day, stared at me in the class (he is very shy and this is totally not him) and that's where a hope lit up in my heart. moreover, I found this a very good way to get over D. P doesn't talk to girl at all and he never had any girlfriend. i started visiting P's room and sit on his bed and he would hold my hand (interlock fingers always) and even though we have no topic to talk about, we would just tease each other (well he teases while i just listen) but the entire time he would not leave my hand and plays with my finger. one day he played with my finger for 3 to 4 minutes. also he started staring at me. but his time D was out of my heart and i finally was over him (after 1.5 years) but i really couldn't enjoy getting over D since i was stuck with P now. well, all of his behavior made me feel that he is into me. but lately something strange has started happening. he only talks to me when i start the conversation. he avoids the seat in the class next to me. he would sometimes avoid me completely. Today i went to his room and we had a physical fight (in a playful way) and he again held my hand and played with my fingers, asked me to switch off the light of the room (don't know why?) and i didn't but he constantly asked me to get out of the room which i was reluctant to do so. He had the opportunity to do anything physical with me but he didn't and instead convinced me to get out of the room and didn't allow me to enter after (well its nothing serious, we do joke around a lot). there are numerous occasions where he had the opportunity to get close to me but he didn't and rather he preferred avoiding me. is this the sign that he has rejected my advances? well I am very confused with his behavior. what does he actually want? he does talk about girls and points to a hot girl when he sees one. on the other hand why was he so much physically close to me in numerous occasions. I would come back to what i wrote in the first Paragraph. being gay, i won't even prefer hugging a woman but why do D and P who claim to be straight went so ahead physically with me? Straight guy are mystery to me. even they don't know what they want. good thing out of all these is that I am completely over D and in fact i despise him now and bad thing is that I am in love with P and don't know how to deal with it now. suggestions please Thanks for reading
Okay I read it and I cannot type too much (as I am on my mobile) so I might end up typing in multiple posts if I have to. First, it is good that you got over D. As for P, it sounds like one of two things could describe him. 1. He may actually be gay but be in denial. This might be what is causing him to behave strangely. He could have just found out that he likes men and doesn't know how to respond or act. He is also may be afraid that others may find out and start to treat him negatively, since homosexuality isn't accepted by everyone. 2. He might be bisexual. But referring back to the point I made in the last paragraph he might still be shocked at the thought of being into men. Another reason is that his feelings could be conflicted, and he isn't even sure of his own sexuality. He might even be ashamed of his current sexuality and this frustration might be taken out on you. Try not to obsess over men. You will eventually find the right one who appreciates you. ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2013 at 12:04 AM ---------- Perhaps it is also best that you leave P alone. He seems insecure about himself and insecurity can quickly ruin any relationship. You don't want that. And try not to obsess over men to the point of killing yourself. Life is more than relationships. There are lots of other good things to live for. And sometimes it is best to turn your focus away from trying to get a relationship and on other things, like school, friendships or hobbies. And maybe get more involved with your peers in school clubs or events. And who knows, perhaps you might even find some man who loves you back. Best of luck to you :3
Thank you so much for your reply. I also think that P might be in denial and that i should give him space. Today, he tried to hug me but i didn't hug him back and moved away from there. And as you said, I am seriously weak when a guy shows affection towards me. I will try to work on it
I feel like crying. Today, P was very rude to me. I went to his room and he constantly asked me to leave. there was another friend of his also in the room but he didn't ask him but forced me to leave as if i am some sh!t. I feel humiliated and lonely. He was so rude with me. :'(
and now we are not talking anymore. It's been 10 days since we talked and its killing me. I know that i may not get any reply here but felt like sharing. I am anxious and want to talk to him but i may come out as too desperate because he is the one to disrespect me in the first place and should make the first move. I don't know what to do in such a situation. If i start talking to him again, he may take me for granted and show such kind of attitude again and again. but at the same time, if he doesn't initiate the talk then we may end up not talking forever? something I find difficult to live with
So we did started talking after 10 days of avoiding each other. I though everything is fine between us now and so i sent P message on FB while he was online. not just he not read the message, he became offline immediately. I know, i was fool to believe that he is interested in me but lately he has shown all the sign that he in fact is disgusted of me. I feel terrible right now. I have no one to share my feelings with and i am so depressed.
