Hey guys and gals, I am currently undergoing a very difficult point in my life and I don't know where to turn so I figured I would come on here and look for some help. Here is my situation. I am 20 years old and have always considered myself straight. But for the last year and a half I have been wondering if this is actually true. I can't tell if I am denying myself or just screwed up in the head. I would like to hear some stories any you have about being deeply in denial. How did you finally figure out you were gay? Were you always sexually attracted to men? When you were denial could you get an erection from a man? Did you constantly wonder if you were gay (for the last two years I have literally woken up asking myself if I was gay and it doesn't go away until I go to sleep)? When you were in denial could you get an erection to a woman? My confusion is very deep and very hard to sort out. I don't know what to do any more. I do not want to come out unless I know for sure that I am gay, but I haven't been able to confirm that I am gay. I have always been sexually attracted to women and I have always been emotionally attracted to women as well. However, now I am in such deep depression and at such a state of confusion that I don't know if that is true any more. I have self diagnosed myself as HOCD (probably a term this community is tired of hearing) and have been seeking counseling. Is there anybody on here who has thought they had HOCD then eventually figured out that they were gay? All responses and opinions are appreciated, like I said I just need to figure this out. Thanks.
Pretty sure HOCD is considered to be a myth by most members of this board, but I don't know much about it so I won't go there. Let's see, denial...yeah I've been there. Fun isn't it? The 'Oh I'd better test to make sure', sitting around telling yourself you must be wrong all the while thinking 'yeah but you are though...' ...good times. Oh wait, no they weren't they were bloody awful. How did I know? It was a process...I mean admittedly my process went a lot further than yours is going to 'cause it turned out I'm a bisexual woman, not a gay man but the process is essentially the same. I first considered the idea...let me think...actually, it was by accident. Accidentally playing an H-game (anime stuff) where one of the characters was...well technically a hermaphrodite I guess...either way she was a girl, but she had a penis. At the time, my initial thoughts were "That girl is SO freaking cute, and strangely, the penis...adds to that?" It was weird, but I went with it for a bit. After a while I decided to test this nagging idea that I might be attracted to guys. I watched some gay porn and it really didn't do a lot for me. Straight porn did, but gay porn, male solo porn, not so much...in fact it did basically nothing. Switch to a slightly different part of realising it, I had a happy accident in the shower. While washing fingers got in...places...turns out it's amazing...THAT got me thinking again, perhaps I'm gay. Never really considered the idea that you could be straight and like anal play, so it was back to maybe I am and really hoping I'm not. Gay porn still didn't do much for me. Trans stuff did. So I went with that for a while. One night I happened to be playing with my 'toys' and suddenly I got this idea...I wonder what it feels like in my mouth. As it turns out, it feels like weird rubber (go figure) but the point is there was something appealing about it and my mind started to wander. In the end I put some of my boxers over a cushion and but the 'toy' inside and pretended it was a guy...holy crap it was exciting, if a little sad and lame! It took a while, but I think basically it took me having to break down these ideas I've had shoved in my direction since birth that dudes are not something I should be turned on by. I still don't like gay porn, or solo male porn. I'm very picky about guys, far more picky than with girls, but my preference would definitely be guys...so I guess what I'm saying is that I didn't really know for quite a long while, it was just a realisation after a series of random events and that I made myself think about whether it was bad or not. Once I realised that it wasn't a bad thing to be bisexual (or gay) then I accepted it... You may well not be, I mean you sort of look for things like 'do you find men attractive' 'can you see yourself dating a man' 'would you like to kiss/hug/hold a man' that sort of thing...hope some of that helps.
