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Is on my friends mind?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by skwiggs, Dec 11, 2013.

  1. skwiggs

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    Hey Guys,

    Found the site and can't believe the amount of reading material! What a great site. Im posting to get opinions on my situation. Sorry for the length, just trying to get the details out there. I should also add that I am not out.

    I finally met someone about a year ago, I knew him for awhile because we had mutual friends and we became very close friends about a year ago when I got him a job. We now work together. We had a lot or should I say everything in common. I eventually started suspecting that he wasn't straight. I had a girlfriend at the time but my emotions for him were far overpowering. One day I noticed that we had been texting for hours and so I started flirting a bit.. after that we texted every night and it took a long time but we both indirectly admitted that we were not straight. Both of us were so much happier and the feeling of being alone in the world went away. He would occasionally tell me how he couldnt sleep because of how much he had on his mind and I could tell this was a lot for him to take in and I could tell he was not ready to fully accept himself. We are both shy and he is extremely shy so things didn't progress as much as I had hoped they would. I did break up with my girlfriend not long after him and I found interest in each other. In the beginning we would look very forward to any occasion that we could drink together and by the end of the night we would discretely be all over each other but he would always shy off and make sure he never got in a position where anything serious would happen. This continued for months.. It drove me crazy. I had the feeling of just wanting to be wrapped up in each others arms. Eventually everything on his end faded off, the late night texting, the flirting at work, everything. I felt like he was avoiding me as much as he could. We hung out every weekend with a mutual group of friends and he would avoid drinking if I was there and started not even showing up.. I felt everything was over and was truly heart broken. Then one friday night we were both drinking with seperate groups of friends but everyone met up late after we were both many drinks deep. He text me in the middle of the night as we did months ago and I was completely caught off guard as I thought everything was over. A while after that I couldn't take it anymore.. I was confused at what was going on.. we were driving back to the shop one day just him and I and I asked him if he was gay. He said "no", I asked him if that was a maybe.. he said "no". That night I text him, I apologized for putting him on the spot and explained that I was undecided and asked him if we could put the awkward moment in the past. he said "yeah, no problem - sorry bob I am not,(which is the nic name he gave me along time ago).

    I was nervous to work with him the next day but it was much less awkward than I imagined and things were pretty chill between us for some time. He slowly started avoiding all afterwork socializing with me and started avoiding our regular social events with our mutual friends.. some of our mutual friends that were more so his close friends would ask where he had been lately etc etc.

    I have to add that I am 24, he is 20.. I have observed his social behaviors and can relate that back to mine 4 years ago when I started to hang out with different people for fear that my regular group of friends would figure out I was gay. I think now he is at the point where he is hanging out with a new group of friends with intentions to find a girl friend to lead a straight life.

    I'm having a hard time trying to figure out if he was just curious last year, if he is gay, bi, etc etc My strongest belief (probably because it is what I hope for) is that he is gay,just can not accept it for the fears and social pressure of being so. and that he is avoiding me in hopes of ridding himself of the feelings he has or had for me. I feel he is trying to force himself to be straight as I did when I was his age. He has never had a girlfriend and is a virgin. I guess I'm hoping he can get a girlfriend and find out like I did that there was no chemistry and the heterosexual experience will help him figure out who he really is and that one day he will just accept himself.

    Am I crazy. Is there a hope or do I try and forget about it. I don't see myself with any other guy and I don't see myself with a women. I have been extremely depressed for the last couple months. Do I just sit back and let him figure himself out... any opinions on what he mite be going though or has he become straight for life.
     
  2. WhiteShadows

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    (*hug*)
    Hey, I understand how you're feeling
    There's not a whole lot you can do, because if you try to intervene he could just get annoyed. I would just give him some space and try to talk to some other friends as much as possible, then maybe later you two can get closer again.
    I know that's really hard though. You might need to see a doctor/psychiatrist to deal with depression in the meantime. But I'm sure others will have advice as well
     
  3. link4816

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    People on EC often give the same advice in situations similar to yours: if you ask them if they are gay and they say no, you have to back down. I think this is probably good advice. I have a good friend who I am dying to ask if he is gay. I think he is, but I am 90% sure that if I asked him, he would say no. My feelings for this guy are very strong, but I never had the courage to ask him. Now he is married and is a new dad. I will always wonder what might have happened if I just asked. You, on the other hand, had the courage to ask, but you didn't get the answer you wanted. At 20, though, I think this guy may just need a little courage himself.

    Maybe if you take the next courageous plunge and come out to the world, it would give him courage? This may be terrible advice, though, if you are not ready. But it is something to consider.

    I guess it is probably not a great idea to fixate in this guy too much though. I guarantee you that you will meet other guys that make you crazy, in a good way I mean.
     
  4. skwiggs

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    Re: What is on my friends mind?

    I had thought about that a few times.. I have alot of great friends and am well known in my town. I feel if /when I come out 95% of my peers would be supportive. I thought the same thing about this having an effect on him if he sees that I am accepted etc etc.

    I know for a fact he is / was atleast curious because of what we had going at one time however he is also super shy. He has to my knowledge never been with a girl and I am thinking he needs to experience first hand like I did with girls. In my case (at his age) I said theres no way in hell I could live a gay life so I engaged in a couple of relationships and soon realized the lack of chemistry. Things are always ok at first but the whole thing turns into a chore and they start wondering why I rarely ever want sex, dont like to cuddle or get intimate etc etc.

    The world looks at me like I am happy. If only they knew how depressed I am.

    In the first post I mentioned that I got "him" a job and I work with him.. There is a bit more detail to that part. He is actually my operations manager in my company.

    I became very successful over the last 5 years. The reason being I found my business to be the perfect excuse as to why I was for the most part single. We all know how many times we get asked about girls and how much pressure gets put on us by our straight friends in the 18-22 area... I occupied 110% of my time with building a business. I now have 10 employees, an amazing & large piece of property, acreage, pond, house, etc nice vehicles, all the toys you could imagine, snowmobiles, atvs, etc etc and everything a 24 year old could ever want. People envy what I have done over the last five years and most of the town knows of me as the young guy with the big business... but once again nobody has an idea how torn I am on the inside.
     
  5. link4816

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    As far as your friend is concerned, I think you have done all that you can do. He knows where you stand. There is a real chance that he might come around some day and re-initiate the closeness you began to share with him, and want to get closer - as a best case scenario. There is also a real chance he will meet a nice girl, go nuts for her, get married, and have children. In either scenario, he would be happy and that would have to make you feel good.

    In the case with my friend, I always suspected that he was not truly happy, even as he hot engaged and got married and started the next phase of his life. I would always think to myself, if he just opened up to me, I could make him happy. But I think maybe the whole thing was just in my head, since I wanted so bad just to hold him in my arms and be with him, like you described.
     
  6. skwiggs

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    scenario number one would be nice :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

    but if # 2 happens, he meets a girl, falls in love moves on.. how on earth does one get over his feelings when we work together and are with each other nearly every day?

    Back in high school I had a crush and thought I would never get over it.. luckily we finished school, I didnt see him after that for 2 years, lost all my feelings for him. He actually came a couple years later back into my life, he worked for me for a summer and I can safely say I was completely over him.
     
  7. link4816

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    I want you to have scenario 1; I don't even know you but I feel like you deserve it.

    What you said about your former crush is actually some of the most helpful information I have ever read here on EC - so thank you. I am glad I wandered into this forum! I am in year 1.5 or so on my crush and it is still alive. I recently cut him out of my life entirely and I think maybe I am finally starting to get over him. I still sneak a glimpse into his life on social media every so often, but I turned off automatic notifications of when he posts things (yeah, I had/have it pretty bad for this guy!). He still manages to find his way into my thoughts daily though, so I've got some more forgetting to do for sure.

    Keep us posted about what happens with you and your friend. I'll be rootin for you from a distance!
     
  8. Trooper

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    I would agree with the others that you should give him some space for now. I'm 20 myself, so I can sort of relate to the insecurities he's probably feeling. It sucks that society makes things so difficult for us, doesn't it? With that said, you should still try to treat him as you normally would (but avoid flirting). Try to be nice to him so that if/when he does come around, he won't think you might hold a grudge against him. Especially since you said he's very shy, and he's made it clear that he had real feelings for you at some point. Those don't disappear so easily.

    You also happen to be his boss, so not only might it be stressful for him to deal with his sexuality and the relationship between the two of you; he might also be financially dependent on your relationship working, even if it's strictly professional. Try to make him feel as relaxed as possible, and I hope things will work out eventually. :slight_smile:

    But try to be open to meeting other people. If you're open to the possibility that you might meet someone else, chances are higher that it just might happen. Although I know the feeling of thinking that you'll never fall for anyone else, you never know.
     
  9. skwiggs

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    I feel good hearing this from someone that can relate being the same age etc. I am going to give him his space and just see what happens. I keep thinking of where I was emotionally and mentally when I was 20 and I think it may just take 2-3 more years to figure himself out and realixe he wont be happy with a woman or alone... I will admit I have fallen so badly for him that I am in the "i cant see myself with anyone else" mind-set...

    :frowning2:
     
  10. Trooper

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    Good luck. You seem like a great guy, I wish you all the best.
     
  11. skwiggs

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    well a little update, I went out spent time with him for the first time after work in months last night. I told him I was going to a mutual friends (a couple's) house for a hottub and bbq and he told me to give him a call before I go to pick him up -this was a shockl (he ended up picking me up because a had 5 beers already) We had a fair few drinks there, ZERO flirting.. hot tub broke that morning so there was none of that either :frowning2: then today he was at another mutual friends having some drinks and he texted me to stop by. I didnt because I was busy but I feel a tad bit better knowing he hasnt totally excluded me from his life. Im just wondering if he thinks Im over him (he knew I was falling hard for him at one point) and just wants to be friends or whats going on. Its so hard to work and be around someone you have such feelings for and not be able to do anything.. I dont know what I did wrong to turn these into 1 way feelings :frowning2:
     
  12. AKTodd

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    I'm sorry you're feeling sad (*hug*)

    That said, and in response to your implied question above, some notions (in no particular order):

    a) As has been pointed out, you are his boss. More than that, you're the owner of the company. That creates a significant power differential, no matter how much you might try to mask it with after work parties and such. He may be feeling that he can't take the risk of what might happen if you don't work out. Or he may just be bothered on a gut level by the idea of a relationship with someone having power over him (in the corporate world, this sort of thing makes HR managers have nervous ticks).

    b) He may be struggling with the whole notion of being with a guy. You've indicated that you've flirted and both admitted to not being straight and done some amount of fooling around to some degree. But the notion of (to be blunt) getting naked with a guy (let alone his boss) and having actual sex may be more than he can deal with right now. Or actually admitting feelings for a guy even if the sex thing doesn't phase him (it's funny what will throw people for a loop sometimes). Maybe he's looking at the idea of being with a woman as something that will just make all those feelings go away and that will be that.

    Basically, you may not have done anything, it could just be an artifact of the situation or the place that he's in right now.

    On a related note, and regarding that 'I can't see myself with anyone else' mind-set. While I understand those feelings (had them myself with someone once upon a time), please don't let them take over your life. Hopefully, he'll come around in time and you guys can work out some sort of relationship in which your work relationship is not an issue. But if he doesn't then you need to be able to move on with your life. Consider listing out all the qualities you like about him and know that you now have a sort of 'checklist' of qualities to look for in another potential partner. Not to say that they must have every one of said qualities. But you might use that to guide future efforts to meet people.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  13. skwiggs

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    Thanks for the sharing your views on the situation, every bit helps. I want to see him find a girlfriend and date for a couple months to find out like I did, But the weird thing is everytime I see him texting or anything I feel myself get all agitated and sad because I assume right away its a girl hes talking too.. He is very quiet and doesnt talk to me about any relationship stuff but all our mutual friends say the same about him so he doesnt talk to any of them about this stuff. He seems to like his alone time, he doesnt go out nearly as much as the rest of us. Just kind of lays low at home.. Im sure hes struggling like I did (& still am) when I was 20. I feel if he was willing to just talk about it I could help him find comfort and I could share my experiences and what Ive done over the years to cope with being a closeted gay man.
     
  14. Trooper

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    I understand all too well how you're feeling, but if he isn't responsive, there's nothing you can do to make him come around more quickly. You seem to realize this already, but there's no way to make him fully open up to you without risking that he'll pull away again. He did invite you over once, so that's a good sign that he still likes spending time with you. Although you must not forget that as his boss, he might feel that he has to be on good terms with you.

    Please hang in there. I know it's tough, but you'll make it through somehow. (*hug*)