My first time coming here, I have no idea where to talk... First off, I'm a man. Physically and for the most in general, I am a man. I don't like to associate fully with one gender, because I don't feel like just one gender. That, and I've never really related to most men I've known... I'm in a relationship with a man. We've been together for a very long time, and he is the love of my life. He accepts me, way more than I accept myself. To him, I am more than just my gender. I am a human, and the human that he loves. I would not consider myself gay, nor would I consider myself bisexual... but with so many sexual identities out there, maybe I just don't fit into any of them. I am not attracted to anybody, regardless of gender, sexually. I might find men or women 'cute' or 'attractive', but beyond that there is nothing. The thought of becoming physical or intimate with anybody is nearly disgusting to me, and it makes me feel afraid. This is strange and bothersome for me, especially because my relationship has a sexual element to it. Granted, it took years to become that way because when it comes to sexual contact, I am afraid. I really had to learn to open up to him, and our sexual experiences are great, but they are way more about bonding and emotionally connecting than doing something sexy. It's frustrating for me sometimes because I'm not 'normal'...? My lover is actually quite different from me. He is a generally sexual person, and is bisexual. Sometimes I resally struggle with jealousy, either because he has sexual interest in other people, or because I can't be that way, too. My dad ridiculed me harshly from early on for not being a 'real man', while my mom didn't mind how I am. Now, my dad is supportive of my good relationship, & mom begs me to just try to be with a woman, because I might like it and become normal... No regard to my relationship. Ah, things are confusing for me... I just needed to get all this out... Sorry.
I think you are great just the way you are! Uniqueness is what makes the world a beautiful place. I also don't really fit under any labels in regards to my sexuality, but it's not important. You are you. And there is nothing you need to be concerned about or do different Just go with how you feel and do what makes you happy. And if you need support, there are so many lovely people on this website who would love to provide it (including myself)
Thank you so much, Foster, for your kind words. I know this, you know, I am an adult and have been this way my whole life... but sometimes it's still a struggle for me to cope with myself. I am still scared and confused somehow... part of me will always want to be normal so I can relate to people, and even understand my lover better, since he is attracted to people. Because I can't understand this attraction, I feel afraid of being left behind by him or I end up feeling jealous of the people he looks at or comments on... I wonder if I end up more jealous that he's showing interest in others, or because I can't be normal in that way, too... how can I stop being jealous or insecure? We've been together so long and he still loves me... I mean, he has made mistakes before so maybe I don't trust him 100% not to hurt me again, but I'm mad at myself for being so insecure. I just can't understand what it feels like to look at someone and find them tobe sexy or sexually pleasing to look at. Maybe it's not as huge of a deal as it seems to me, but considering he is the only one I've ever felt that way for, it seems like attraction should be more special... ah, I'm not making sense probably. I just wish I could be myself happily and securely, even if that person is not normal. It doesn't even make sense... I am prod of my relationship and very open with it.. but all of my issues are in regard to myself and how I can't relate to others. I know this is not a journal, so I will stop. I'm sorry for all of this.
Hey, don't be sorry. I think I kind of know how you feel. You feel alone because you feel like no one will ever truly understand you. I think sometimes you just have to keep talking until the people in your life can relate and put themselves in your shoes. We've all had different experiences and are completely different people. And yet somehow, people connect with other people. Your partner seems like he loves you allot, and just because he might be different in his sexuality and is attracted to a wider array of people, doesn't really mean anything. He chose you, out of everyone in the world. And just because someone finds another person attractive or sexually pleasing, doesn't mean that they'll jump in bed with them. If you love someone and are committed to them, they're really the only one you have a desire to be with sexually (or at least, that's how it is with me). If he's made mistakes in the past, and you're still feeling insecure about that, talk to him. I don't think holding things inside ever benefits a relationship. I know I'm only 17 so I'm sorry if my advice is really bad. But one thing I know for sure is that things will get better. You're still here, which means you've made it through every single obstacle your life has presented you with. So there's no doubt in my mind that you'll make it through this one too
