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Worried about attraction to older guys

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by forbiddenlove12, Dec 15, 2013.

  1. forbiddenlove12

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    Hi I wasn't sure where to put this but here goes. So I have this werd attraction to older guys and I'm worried about nit being able to find a boyfriend because of it.
    Any advice would be appreciated :help:
     
  2. WhiteShadows

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    Well I have the opposite problem so I feel for you. How old are you?
     
  3. Awkward Balloon

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    I haven't really any advice, just I can tell you you're not alone! :slight_smile: All of my celebrity crushes are men from age 31-45 and my ideal boyfriend would be at least +21.
    I have found that it's not really the age I like but more the physical maturity and what age does to men. I like maybe three people in my school, one in my year who is 6"2 and shaves daily, with a huge build. The other is 17 and equally as large.

    I got sidetracked there but you're not alone is what I'm saying. Post on my wall if you want to talk some more! :grin:
     
  4. dano218

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    Depending on if your a minor you have a right to
    date anyone at any age over 18. In my belief your attraction is healthy and if its legal than you should pursue it. I personally think these kind of relationships can be very healthy and work well in the long run.

    However some of these relationships can be based on money or power and that can be very unhealthy just so your aware of that. Just be safe and as long as your both happy it's not a bad thing at all. Good luck.
     
  5. forbiddenlove12

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    :slight_smile: your one of a very few people who say that cause that's how I feel im only 15 though so I got a few years yet
     
  6. Chip

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    So, forbiddenlove, what is is about older guys you find attractive? The first piece of exploring what's going on for you is "unpacking" the feelings. Is it stability? security? physical appearance? Something else?

    Dano pointed out one piece that is present in the overwhelming majority of age-gap relationships, particularly when the younger person is under 25, and that's the imbalance of power. It's really important for your own psychological and emotional growth and health that you feel empowered and confident, and it's often difficult to have that in a relationship where there's a significant age gap.

    So exploring what's going on might be the first step to help you understand why you feel the way you do, and that might help give you better insights and be able to make better decisions.
     
  7. forbiddenlove12

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    Well first of all I'm rather submissive and I worry a lot so older men make me feel safe and theres something very masculine about an older guy I just find very attractive It's hard for me to explain
     
  8. Tightrope

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    There's no need to feel weird and be overly worried, unless it's all pervasive, meaning you aren't interested in people from your own age up, say, 7 to 10 years. Regardless, someone over 18 could theoretically put themselves in a precarious position by interacting with a minor such as yourself in an inappropriate way, so you need to wait until you reach the age of majority, AND so do they.

    I know what you mean, though. I'm not submissive and it's never been about feeling safe, but the quality of a more established and unaffected type of masculinity is, as you say, attractive. This is more common than you think, so there's no need to feel odd or overly worried. I've talked to several guys who, in their 20s, liked handsome middle-aged men. It's not the norm, but it's not that rare, either.
     
  9. forbiddenlove12

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  10. deadmau5ftw

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    Chip, you always seem to find your way to these posts...

    forbiddenlove, I had a similar post a week or so ago, I am in your boat as well. I'm underage but am attracted to older guys (guys in their 20's for me).

    Bottom line I gathered from my post: there is nothing wrong with who you are attracted to but it needs to be legal. You cannot help you who are attracted to, and there should not be another reason behind that. People told me it was a lack of a father figure and a bunch of other bs like that. One thing, keep everything legal, do not date someone older (18+) until you are 18 or older. This will just keep things much simpler, and legal.

    Message me if you ever need to talk!
     
  11. questionable

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    I'm attracted to younger guys 3 years younger than me. But it makes me feel like a pedo... I think its just normal... My ideal boyfriend ranges at the age of 15-27 maybe :grin:
     
  12. dano218

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    I think as long as your intentions are healthy and it's legal than I would say go for it. if your looking for a father figure or somebody to have power over you than I would say that is unhealthy. Hopefully that is not the case.

    Yes Chip has a tendency to post in these topics and we know his opinion very well and sone of it is backed up by credible research so I respect his opinion and right to post in it.
     
  13. Chip

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    So if I'm hearing you correctly, it's not so much that you'are attracted to older men per se, but seeking out security and dominance. So first (assuming I've interpreted what you've said correctly), what you're feeling isn't uncommon, and you shouldn't feel uncomfortable or shameful about it.

    At the same time, though, I think it's important to understand that for most people, feeling emotionally healthy and happy and living life to the fullest means having a measure of self-sufficiency, independence, self-confidence and self-love. And often (but not always) the personality traits you're describing -- submission and, in effect, not feeling safe unless you have someone older to "take care" of you -- aren't really compatible with living life to the fullest, most wholehearted way possible.

    And this is exactly the most common issue that surrounds many (if not most) of the younger people that seek out older partners: What underlies that desire is a wish to be dominated and taken care of, and usually, that also means there's an underlying self-esteem issue. To be clear, though: There are plenty of reasons someone's attracted to someone older (or younger) that do not have these attributes, but the cliniclal experience of the therapists I've spoken to about it, as well as the literature on age-gap relationships shows that in the majority of cases, these factors are pretty core to the majority of age-gap relationships, particularly those where the younger person is 25 or under, and the age gap is significant.

    This is one of the reasons why I talk about this issue so much: I believe everyone has the birthright to live a full, wholehearted, happy, and fulfilling life. Now, if that life includes feeling submissive and having someone to care for you without the need to be independent and to stand up for yourself then... that's certainly a valid decision. But I think a lot of people arrive at those ideas because of family-of-origin and upbringing issues, and there's often underlying self esteem and self worth issues, which contribute to shame and a sense of unworthiness.

    So in those cases, entering into relationships that simply nurture the insecurities -- if, indeed, that's what's driving the desires -- is not a pathway toward growth and deeper understanding of self. It can certainly work in a sort of dysfunctional-but-serviceable way, and there are lots of relationships where that does work, and where the submissive person is pretty happy, because s/he simply doesn't know any better and doesn't believe that s/he deserves any better. Yet I feel like most of those people, if they had a chance to see what their lives could be like if they felt more confident, self-assured, and independent, could have much richer and more fulfilling lives.

    So ultimately, what it boils down to is whether any of the above resonates for you. If it does, then doing self-work and exploring the issues could open up a whole new world for you. Whether that's something you even want to tackle is a completely different question. From my vantage point, it's quite worthwhile and the end goal justifies the effort involved. But you may be perfectly happy where you are, and if so... and if you're willing to accept the problems that come with the inherent imbalances that come with age-gap relationships... then there's no problem with it, and you certainly shouldn't feel shameful or uncomfortable about it.