Church Today, it went well but I am still nervous

I go to church, youth group and bible study regularly when I am at school, I am a grad student. Every Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday and every other Tuesday are dedicated to different church events. But at home it is entirely different.

Today(Sunday) was the first time since my Mom's funeral on January 28 that I have gone to my home church, and that was the first time in nearly a year. I have not felt ready to go, and I have actually been terrified of going. I did not want to have a breakdown like I have had multiple times at the church at school and at youth group. Today went really well though. I made it though the entire service with without crying, I was quite happy about this. But at the same time, there is a lot running through my mind.

I have not had the best relationship with this church. I actually have a whole story written out about issues that I have had to face with church. It was awesome to go again but I am scared that things will be like how they used to be, and I can't go through that again. I quit the church for awhile, came back, tried to quit again, but since I was going to go away for college it didn't happen, and I limited my church attendance to just the summers, with eventually not even doing that. Then a few years ago, the Sunday school class was split into different sections and I made it though one class, in the new section, where I spent the entire time arguing with the Sunday School teacher about "homosexuality and the Bible", and I swore to never go back to her class and I never did. This was one of the reason why I completely quit going again.

I am still so confused though on what to do. Today was a good service, but, does that make-up everything that has gone wrong? I want to continue to go to church, but I do not know how to move past everything that has happened. I am just so scared that it is going to happen again. Especially if it ever comes out that I am Demisexual/asexual and sister is gay and asexual. Mind you the song leader is gay, and a lot of people are okay with it, but others have left the church because he is openly gay and has a position in the church, including the old Sunday school teacher that I argued with.

Is it fair that I am scared, do I even have a reason to nervous and scared about going to church?

I do know if this is the place to post this, but it is something that is running through my mind.

 

It is not super homophobic but is also not super accepting, it goes back and forth. My area is very strange because there is no one set idea, besides that poverty is normal and people come and go all the time.

It seems accepting, but my family and the church do not have the best history so I am worried, if that will play a role in anything. The old pastor and his wife know about my sister and they don't care, but at the same time my sister is the only one in my hometown that knows. My Dad "knows" but I don't know if he actually "knows" that he knows. It is very confusing. I told him but I do not know if he got it.

 

In response to An Gentleman: You entitled to your opinion. I have been called the special snowflake before, but in all actually we are all different so are all our own "snowflake"

I believe that Christians should be allies, and I fall somewhere in the moderate range

Data: Because I did not feel comfortable and at peace I left before. The family ties to the church is what is making it so hard to just up and leave. My parents, one of my brothers and my cousin were all married there, then two other of my brothers, my sister, myself a few cousins and my Mom were all baptized in the same church, and that's where my Mom's funeral was held.

I'm Disciples of Christ and we also believe in the 1:1 connection. There are no LGBT or even open and affirming churches in my home town, so it is a bit difficult. There are some where I go to school, but the one I attend is not, but they are accepting. They meet in one of the lecture halls on campus, it is an interesting church. They are a new church and are still working through things.