Hi im really scared and confused and i dont know what to do. I'm 16 and male and until this year did not have a girlfriend, although we broke up about a month ago. It was really short with this girl because she cheated on me, so i have never been with a girl or kissed one. Now this part is rude and im sorry if i offend but its important, about three years ago i started watching gay porn, now it has fully developed into me watching only gay porn and the occasional straight porn. When i masturbate i mostly all the time fantasise about guys even people i know, but i dont find myself wanting a relationship with a guy. As in, im attracted to a guy but only sexually if you know what i mean. I get really turned on by pictures of guys like shirtless or naked or whatever, and i do girls just it seems no where near as strongly as i do with guys. I do find girls attractive but i find myself quite picky and i just need help to be honest. I've been really down recently and feel completely isolated, i just want an opinion; am i or will i be gay and advice because i really don't know what to do. Any help ASAP thank you.
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're totally in the right place. The first thing is to know you aren't alone, and most everyone here has been in your situation, and felt what you're feeling. So if I am hearing what you said correctly, it sounds like you fantasize mostly about guys, masturbate thinking about guys, and find yourself attracted as you wander around places looking mostly at guys. When you think about girls or look at girls, you feel something, but not very much, and when you think about sex and masturbating and orgasming, you're thinking mostly about guys and rarely, if ever, about girls. If the above is an accurate assessment of how you feel, then -- as much as you probably don't want to hear this -- you're most likely gay. And my guess is, you probably already know this somewhere deep down, but are having difficulty acknowledging and accepting it, which is also something that pretty much everyone here on EC has been through. When we process any sort of loss (such as, in this case, the loss of your identity as straight), we go through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. While the stages aren't always sequential, It sounds like you're somewhere in the "bargaining" stage ("Yes, I like guys, but it's only sexual, I still like girls, just not sexually") And if I've captured it correctly, then that, too, is an entirely normal and common feeling that most everyone has had during the process of discovering themselves. So (again, assuming I'm correct with all of the above, which is a big assumption, and could be entirely off-base), what's next? The first thing is to love and believe in yourself. To accept that you are who you are, and if you are, in fact, gay, that's fundamental and isn't going to change, and, perhaps the most important part, that it's perfectly ok to be gay. I know that may sound terrifying, and you may not be ready to accept it. But (assuming I'm correct), it's true. The next piece is... you don't need to tell anyone right now, tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year, unless and until you are ready to do so. For most of us, there's a lot of shame initially in acknowledging that we're gay, because we're afraid we won't be loved, won't be worthy of love and belonging, that our parents and friends may reject us. But the reality is, for the overwhelming majority of us, that isn't true. While people may take time to adjust to it, our experience has been that parents and friends are almost always accepting. Maybe not at the moment you tell them... but after they've had time to think about it and process it. And in the meantime, EC is a great place to talk about what you're feeling, read and share your thoughts on others who are in similar circumstances to you, and learn to love and accept yourself exactly as you are. I hope you'll stick around, read, ask questions, share your thoughts, and tell us what you're feeling. That's what this community is all about.
Thank you for that advice i just need time to think it through and find someone to talk too, but really thank you so much cause all them feelings are exactly how i feel, and deep down i do know somethings different im just finding it hard to accept at the moment and part of me thinks im just making up this excuse of 'well i could be bi' when im sure thats probably not true. But thank you for letting me feel supported and stuff because i am just scared at the moment and think i need time to gather opinions and advice like this, so thanks you again
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I was mostly into girls at first but more than just a little curious about guys. The older I got, the more I fantasized about guys. I knew I was bi when I was about 15 but didn't dare say it. I dated a girl on and off through my first two years of college, and was definitely attracted to her physically and emotionally. After we broke up, I was convinced that I could be happy having sex with either gender but only emotionally like girls. Then I realized that wasn't true either, and suppressed that pretty hard. Finally within the last year I realized it was time to admit to myself and a few others that I was bi, and I did. Now, I'm ready to fully explore who I am. In being ready I'm finding that I'm thinking more about guys than girls, and that I'm ok with that. I hope my story helps you in some way. And I hope that you don't spend the next 10 years of your life fighting yourself like I did. Feel free to leave a message on my wall if you want to talk more.
