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My mum

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by BookDragon, Dec 17, 2013.

  1. BookDragon

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    OK guys, I'm having a real hard time with my mum at the moment. I'm now at the point where I'm basically sat here thinking if my house burned down over night it would be a net-gain for the human race. I've been dumped in a place where I just hate my family...

    So this morning, I get up...actually 25 minutes ago (10:50am, now 11:15) I get up, just to give you an idea of how quickly this went down. I go to help mum move a bookcase, tell her it won't go up the stairs, the usual. Anyway she gets worked up about it when I refuse to "try it anyway" (bare in mind this thing is wider than the actual stairwell and we would have to turn it round half way) and then worse when I refused to search through all of my stepdads tools for a random allen key when I know full well he has a set of them, he just couldn't be bothered to reveal their location on the phone.

    Anyway, she has recently taken to using this phrase:

    What is the point in this (becoming Holly) if you're just going to act like this (angry and miserable) all the time"

    Now I have heard this from her several times a day since I went full time. Today it really made me angry and upset. I wanted to explain to her, but she decided to talk over me so in the end I shouted at her. I told her that it was about making my life liveable. So I didn't wake up and thing 'today is a good day to kill myself'. I wrote her a letter the other day saying I wanted to be helpful and things around the house and I do want that, but she expects me to instantly become this changed person. Like somehow living as I am, which is nowhere near what I should be, is supposed to make me infinitely happy. I have told her all this countless times. I told her that the whole thing was NOT just to make her life easier immediately. "Well good job on that then". I got angrier and decided, as I have been recommended by SO many doctors, to leave the room, calm myself down and address it later. Now she KNOWS I'm supposed to do this, so what does she do?

    She stands and blocks the door.

    Now for the record I will say, while I am typically not a violent person (against people) I can get angry and feel violent. I have attacked people on a few occasions when my blood has really boiled. Once my dad, when he refused to let me attend his wedding, just to give you an idea of how pissed off I need to be. I told mum to move because I was angry and wanted to calm down.

    "Why don't you just hit me? It won't make you a better person!

    I fucking lost it. Who sits there and goads someone they've just pissed off into hitting them. I yelled as loud of my voice would allow. I said things that while cruel, were not untrue.

    "If you want to hit me, just hit me"

    ARRRRRRGH! I don't WANT to fucking hit you, that is the entire fucking point! I am trying to leave the room so I don't! That is the entire point and you are standing in the way! Don't cage a fucking lion! Certainly don't cage a fucking lion YOU pissed off and then poke it with a fucking stick! I believe I called her something to the effect of a pathetic excuse for a woman, among other things, and she is. I asked why the hell she had decided to deliberately try and make me do something she KNOWS I don't want to do, just to make me feel bad. I had been shouting for a couple of minutes at this point and was getting really angry, at which point she said:

    "Well you might as well have hit me after all that!"

    Then she moved out of the way.

    Seriously, I understand that she is having a hard time with my transition, but I wrote her a letter earlier in the week explaining EXACTLY what my feelings where. I told her WHY I was doing this and what I hoped to achieve eventually. I told her everything. She says she has read it and is drafting a response. But WHY does she just ignore it all the minute an argument starts!?

    How am I supposed to calmly deal with someone who ignores the things I say because it doesn't work for their point of view. Someone who takes the fact that I've not become instantly happy as an invitation to tell me almost every day that there is no point to what I'm doing. Someone clinging to this fact that I'm going to change my mind.

    I don't know how to deal with this.
     
  2. Sully

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    Move out of home?
     
  3. Monika the Diva

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    I know your going through a hard time. Maybe you should try a different approach. When my mom used to piss me off she used to do it to get a reaction out of me. When I realized this and I couldn't leave the room. I would sit down quietly and go to my happy place and turn off my surroundings. Once you've calm down and she is still hollering just approach her without speaking 1 word and hug her. I learned to do this to my mom. I only do this as a last resort.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    Thanks Sully, that's real helpful...

    See I'd like to be able to do the Lady but what do I do when she won't let me leave and calm down? :frowning2:
     
  5. Monika the Diva

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    Hello holly,

    If you're planing on moving out you must make enough money to do so. In the meantime, did you ever try reverse psychology?
     
  6. BookDragon

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    I've been planning on moving out for years, but its prohibitively expensive given the job I do.

    I've tried it, and she gets wound up and storms off. Then I get to hear about how much of an arsehole I am later on in the day. Or occasionally I get an apology that may or may not be genuine in order to get me to be helpful.
     
  7. Monika the Diva

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    According to my knowledge of dealing with women. I bite my lip and not say one word. I try not to argue and do the reverse psychology. At this point I also agree with sully. If you have a car you are already in a good spot? Do you have your own car? If you do just get a 2nd job and save save save save. Once you move out and give your mom space. I bet you'll get along better.
     
  8. BookDragon

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    Nope, no car. Plus I can't get a second job what with me being a student and a small town transsexual in a bad job market...took me long enough to get the job I have and that only happened by accident :frowning2:
     
  9. BookDragon

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    Fuck my life. I write down the crap that happens after these arguments so I have evidence of them. Now the bloody women denies any of it happened...someone kill me...
     
  10. SongshiQuan

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    Hello. You've said you have recently started living as your true self full time? I'm not sure how long you've been out to her, but you starting to live full-time could be driving it all home to her. I'm not certain how accepting she is, but if she had someone concocted a fantasy that this was "all a phase" or something along those lines this probably shattered said fantasy.

    Either way, she'll come around in time. My mom got on my nerves a lot after coming out as gay, so I understand how much the tension sucks. As for the denying her words and actions, I got that too. A lot of people don't like to admit to things they said in the heat of the moment. Hell, my first week out to my mom I was asked if I had been raped, why did I have to be a queer, and if this meant I was going to "go all girly" on her. But it does get better. She said a lot of hurtful stuff, but this was back in 2008. By 2012, she actually had me and my partner over for christmas. So, you just have to give it time(sometimes more time than we want to give, I know).
     
  11. Rose27

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    new approach? Maybe start with something like "I know this is a painful and confusing time for you too. I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said" Tell her you know she needs time to grieve for the son she feels she is losing but that you are the same person. Male & female roles are very blurred nowadays. You can still help her do things that were traditionally "guy" things but also maybe ask her tips on clothes or make up even if its not your style.
    You are very brave. Hugs!
     
  12. Young Gun

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    Holly,
    Ask a few of your friends if you can move in with them.
    Your mum obviously wants to feel in power over what she thinks is your "phase".
    She thinks it'll fade away.
    She thinks you're making a bad decision.
    That's why she's... being an asshole. Sorry. But that's how I would describe it.