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Help me...it's all going so wrong

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by BookDragon, Dec 21, 2013.

  1. BookDragon

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    Yesterday was bad. I got up, I was sick, I had serious pain all over and I couldn't escape it. I went to bed all dosed up with painkillers and tried to sleep it off.

    This morning I ended up in hospital. The pain got worse, I was dizzy, I felt like I would die. As it turns out, today I experienced seriously withdrawal.

    I've been taking tablets for months now for my depression and anxiety. Last week a doctor suggested I increase the dose and wrote to my GP. They fucked up. They didn't get my tablets ready until 3 days after I ran out. On day four (yesterday) I took them and threw up. Today was day 5, when I was rushed to A&E and didn't take any. 5 days without taking them. It was hell. I've never felt worse and the doctor there told me how bad it was and that I should never EVER skip a day on the tablets I'm taking.

    Then I got home, dizzy and exhausted, completely drained. I'd puked my guts out all morning and was feeling shitty. Then I came online, did some things and went back to sleep. I came back online, read about some things I did, and I felt bad. Really bad. I'm not good at realising I fucked up when I shouldn't have. I take it badly, and I've been trying to work on it. But it hits me hard. Then the rest of the world decided that to add to everything else I've had going on today.

    In the past 2 hours I've gone through in my head all the feelings associated with missing my brother and my friends who have all moved away. I've run through all the times during the day that my mum has called me 'he' even thought I know she was trying really hard, they still cut like a knife. I've thought of how shitty I feel that I've let my work down 3 times, now four times, in the last 3 weeks because of my fucking miserable excuse for a brain. I've thought about how miserable my transition has made people, even if they are coming round. I've thought about how scared I am about christmas and spending time with family I don't see often, those times are difficult enough without this. I've thought about how generally shitty my life it. I've been through all my thoughts of loneliness and how I don't think I'm good enough for anyone and even if I was I could never find anyone anyway because nobody would fucking take me even if I fucking begged them. Oh deep fucking joy, now I'm crying. I've thought about how I've managed to miss my last 3 therapy sessions because of stupid reasons, and how I haven't managed to get any uni work done because I've been to exhausted to do anything.

    Everything is coming up and I can't stop it. I can't. I'm trying so hard, I just want to go to sleep but I'm afraid to do it because I know what happens when I go to bed and I'm freaking out or crying. I don't get up the next day. I can't. I spend the whole night imagining plausible scenarios based on my current anxieties and living them through all night. I wake up wishing I was dead and I can't have that again. I've only just managed to pull myself away from those thoughts and I cannot. CAN NOT. go back to them.

    I don't know what to do...I don't know what I want you to do...just...if anyone can help me even slightly... :tears:
     
  2. AKTodd

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    I don't know that this will help any, but it's the best I can do from the other side of the Atlantic I'm afraid:

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

    Rather more concretely, I've seen you all over EC the last couple days, offering ideas and advice like crazy. That you can be going through all this while apparently managing to do MORE to try to help people here than you normally do is (to me) a tremendous testament to your strength of character and compassion.

    Beyond that (and for what's it's worth), you always seem to give really good advice IMHO. I'm often reading your replies to someone and thinking 'Wow, why didn't I think of that?' or 'she said that much better than I could have (or did).'

    In saying all that, I'm confident that a lot of other people here will agree with me. A lot of them will probably be posting here soon to do so, for that matter.

    Don't try to fight the thoughts and fears so much as let them just flow around you, passing away and leaving you untouched by them. You've had a momentary speedbump, that's true. But that was due to someone else's fuckup (you said it yourself). You were strong enough to get a handle on this before, and I know you are strong enough to do it again. And as part of that you need a good nights sleep.

    If it were in my power I'd give you a big hug and lend you one of my Samoyeds to stay with you tonight and snuggle up to you and make you feel safe (Samoyeds are INCREDIBLY good snugglers). Since I can't do that, just know that you'll be in my thoughts tonight and I wish you only the best.

    Todd
     
  3. Nick07

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    I bet you made Holly chuckle, Todd :slight_smile: Thank you.
     
  4. Data

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    When you say tablets, what do you mean?

    Stopping anti-depressants is bad.
    Stopping opiate pain killers is bad.
    Stopping benzos is bad.
    Stopping prednisone is bad.

    That's all I can think of right now.

    Of those, I withdrew from opiates twice. Very bad. Very bad. Nothing you can do except waut it out.

    When I was younger I stopped my Prozac cold turkey from 20mgs. Bad idea. I felt shitty for 2 weeks. I didn't know back then about how critical neuro-chemistry really is.
     
  5. Kasey

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    Ok, my turn to advise you.

    Being depressive or anxious is not necessarily caused by circustances related to conforming or trying to be defined with in societal parameters, although the anxiety experienced can be exacerbated by it as can any stressor.

    That being said, understand you will come out the other side. I have gone through at least 5 major depressive bouts, One a year ago.

    Here is my advice.
    1.)Therapist and or psychiatrist. Essential. Period.
    2.) The right medicine. I was on wellbutrin and lithium. Didn't do jack. Lamictal is what works. Minimal to no side effects and I'm right as rain even after moving and a new job.
    3.) You already know this because of this post but you need to recognize signs and cut them off beforehand.

    Last, know people understand your pain, it is real. I've been there.

    Know you are awesome (and cute).

    Hope you can take some relief from my words.
     
  6. mermaid

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    Holly, just wanted to send you big hugs: (&&&)Holly(&&&)

    I totally agree with that, you are an amazing person! Please, take care of yourself!
    How are you now?
     
  7. BookDragon

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    Thanks guys, goodness I love the EC community, you're all so lovely! <3

    As it happens I'm much better now...spent the whole day thinking I was going to be sick, so I spent it in bed, then this evening I sang in our first choir concert so I'm still riding the high mood that put me in! :grin:
     
  8. Silver Sparrow

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    THat must have sucked. I'm glad you're feeling better. One time I forgot about my meds for three days in a row. I got soooo sick.

    Glad you're feeling better.