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Choosing never to come out.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by EverRose, Dec 21, 2013.

  1. EverRose

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    I am posting because I desperately want to talk to someone. I'm a woman married to a man and I have two young children. Taking them into account, I have decided it would be selfish for me to come out. I am a stay-at-home mom and we are working toward homestead self-sufficiency and will be homeschooling. These things are really important to us. Obviously the life we want for our children requires one parent to stay at home while the other works outside the home. The kids deserve a stable, two-parent family. I am not willing to take that away from my children for my selfish desire for self-expression or romance.

    As for teaching them to be true to themselves, I think there are ways to do that without taking the family apart. Besides, my husband and I are a good team but we would make terrible parents if we were apart. It just wouldn't work. Divorce is not an option. We have to stay together. I'm stuck.

    So, I'm trying to get on with it. Still, it hurts a lot sometimes. And I hate the fact that I have to have sex with my husband. I also hate kissing. It's really sad and not fair to him, but it makes me so angry and annoyed and I just hate the obligation. Not that my husband is pushy - the opposite, but it's not fair to ask someone to be understanding and sexless for a lifetime. I'm trying so hard though. I need to make it work. Honestly, I have to.

    It's one stupid thing inside my head that's keeping our family from being exactly as it should be. I refuse to compromise so much of the way we want to raise our children just because I'd prefer sex with someone else. If I did that to switch to another man, it would be terrible - if I just broke up our family because I was attracted to another guy, so why does it matter if my imaginary "someone else" is female instead of male? It's still selfish and wrong to ruin a family over something so petty and unimportant.

    Ah and it's driving me crazy! There must be a way to make this work. Or at least someone who understands.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Had you considered that there are other ways to ruin a family than breaking it apart?

    Kid's are perceptive. They can't tell you WHAT is wrong, but they can tell you when something is wrong. How long do you think you can go on in a marriage you are having to force, having sex out of obligation without them realising that you are stressed? REALLY stressed.

    There are a couple of things to consider. First, a split family isn't necessarily a bad one or a ruined one, I know just as many 'stable' families who are FAR worse than those with split parents. Obviously I'm not telling you to go get a divorce, but your situation at the moment means that you are going to get more and more stressed, your husband will eventually receive some of the backlash because you feel obligated to have a physical relationship you don't want. Eventually your children will get that.

    I don't know what to say really, just consider that there are worse things you can do to your children than splitting your family. Trust me.
     
  3. Kasey

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    Simpler question to address:

    Are you just in a loveless relationship? That's not restricted to heterosexual couples.
     
  4. Pete1970

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    EverRose,

    I struggle with this every day. My kids dont know i am gay or that we are propbably getting divorced, but they definatley know something is wrong. Not that we fight or are hostile, but they see that we dont really talk anymore and there is alot of tension.

    Does your husband know? or does he ask why you dont want to have sex? Is he ok with that? im just asking because when me and my wife stopped having sex is when the problems really started surfacing.

    One thing i have learned at least for me is that the feelings will never go away, in fact they only got stronger until the point where it really affected my mood and in turn the mood in the whole household.

    It is a tough situation, i cant tell you what to do, someone once said this analogy to me. Think of it as a tree, the parents are the trunk and the kids are the branches. The branches cant thrive unless the trunk is solid and healthy.
     
  5. skwiggs

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    This may sound a little ridiculous but what if you were to come out to your husband as BI? He may find this to be a turn on. He may be ok with you having a friend with benefits and maybe take part? This would be rare in a case where a man is struggling with your problem but a large percentage of straight men are turned on by bi / lesbian women. I do believe you would have to find a women that you are sexually attracted to but not romantically / emmotionally attracted to.


    A side note and not to steal the thread..

    gaymarried42, you mentioned;

    I am 24 and established, business, house, etc etc and all my friends are getting married and the pressure is building. My biggest fear is what you just mentioned or me being outed on accident years into a straight relationship / marriage. My face already turns red when the subject comes up. Can you emphasize a little on your comment. Maybe explain how long it took before it effected you, how serious your depression got, if you could go back XX years what would you do differently. etc?

    Thanks, And again I hope Im not stealing the post, just looking to ad more to the original post.
     
  6. Kgirl

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    Just be careful that you're not just persuading yourself that this is the right thing. After all, being true to yourself wouldn't just be to have sex with another person. We all know that being in love is about much more than that. I spent nearly 8 years telling myself how lucky I was to have such a carig and kind man, but eventually I had to accept that it was unfair to both of us to stay with him. He was devastated at the time, but now we are both in truly complete relationships where the love is equal between both people.

    As for your kids, don't underestimate them. They will adapt, especially if they are young. Also, having a lesbian mother would likely help them to grow into open-minded and accepting adults.
     
  7. Pete1970

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    Skwiggs,

    I knew I was gay when I got married 22 years ago, but for many reasons got married anyway hoping it would go away. Although it never went away I was able to manage until about 2 years ago. It just started becoming overwhelming for reasons I'm not really sure maybe because I was getting older and felt it would be too late? Anyways I got really depressed and didn't really eat and would just come home and sit in my chair not talking to anyone. I became nasty to people at work and just overall miserable. This lasted a couple of months . Eventually it got a little better but about 2 months ago it started coming back and I didn't want to go through that again. So now I am left with the struggles of trying figure out what the best thing for everyone is.
     
  8. mermaid

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    Hi EverRose,
    it could have been me who wrote your text.
    For two years ago, I was struggling with exactly the same issues as you are now.
    I had feelings for women which I didn't bear to ignore anymore so I finally came out to myself.
    Married for 11 years with two small kids whereof one with special needs, I couldn't imagine to divorce from my husband and tear the children from their dad and their home plus that we are doing a lot of training every day with our youngest to help him. And I still love him deeply because he is a wonderful person.
    I couldn't imagine a way how to resolve this and got depressed. there was no way for me to go.
    Then I decided to talk to my husband and to be totally honest to him.
    Though it wasn't easy for him, he reacted very understanding and supportive.
    It was a process and it took us over maybe two years when he went through all stages of grief but now our relationship is better than it was the last ten years.

    I started a relationship with a woman because I needed to confirm that it was what I really wanted ( yes, it was :icon_bigg ) and this was of course not easy for him neither, but now he says that he loves me and that he wants me to be happy with her.

    You seem to be sure about your preferences, did you ever have a relationship with a woman or is it all in your head?
    For me it was all in my head until I met this woman and it felt so good and so right as it never did before.

    Did you talk to your husband about your feelings for women at all?
    How do you think he might react? Are you feeling discomfortable about his possible reaction?
    This is a huge step but I really think that you two need to talk to each other.
    You do not have to have sex with him if you don't want to neither do have to kiss him, please, don't do this to you!
    Being lesbian is nothing that you chose yourself neither can you remove it from your attributes. It's not only about sex, it is much more than that.

    You can choose to live with your husband to raise your kids but this requires communication and respect for each other.
    My husband and I have chosen to live and raise our kids together. We live in the same house, for the kids and outward as a couple. One day we have to tell the kids but not yet, they wouldn't understand.
    I do feel so much better since I'm able to be myself (a bit at least) and I am a better mother to my kids, too.

    Lots of love!(&&&)
     
  9. pinklov3ly

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    I used to think that if I started a family and married that my feelings for women would just vanish. However, they only got stronger after I had kids; I never married the father of my kids because I knew it would be a huge mistake. Everyone here has given you some great advice and I understand how difficult things are for you at the moment. And perhaps, you should discuss things with your husband because he deserves to know.

    I know that it isn't going to be easy, but it will give u a peace of mind. And like gaymarried42 stated...
    Great analogy...