I was looking forward to coming home for the holidays, originally. Four days in, however, and I wish I could be back at school already. A semester at school, and I was finally starting to figure out who I am and what I'm doing with my life. I get back home and all of the old negativity comes back with me. I'm starting to feel like the person I used to be again, the person that I always hated, even when I had no idea that I could be anyone else. It's like he's completely taking over. I feel like I've been stuck in a cage in my head while the old me interacts with everyone. Somebody says something stupid about me being a stereotypical guy, or even something negative or ignorant about LGBT people in general, and old me just laughs along and gives out the "standard guy responses". Meanwhile, I'm in my cage screaming at the top of my nonexistent lungs. I know now's not the right time for everyone to know, regardless of how badly I want it, but I feel like even if it was, I wouldn't have control of my tongue long enough to let it out. At school, I still haven't told anybody, but I corrected people when they stereotyped me, and I always felt comfortable regardless. I felt like I was getting somewhere. Now I'm sliding backwards. I won't have access to the counseling center for a month, and I can't afford to pay for anything. Not that that was doing a whole lot, anyway. Here, I don't feel at home, I feel like an impostor. And I don't feel like I'm even in control of myself right now. I don't know what I expect from this post. I think maybe I'm just venting because this is the only place I've got left. The next month cannot possibly go fast enough.
