I felt perpetually cold in winter. Throughout the months that were slowly crawling by I always seemed to feel cold. It was a simple fact that made me realize that I had no home. Nowhere to keep warm and relax, hide from the winter that was coming through, the winds, the rains, the snows of that season. I couldn't stay in that house for longer than a couple of hours, minimizing what contact I had with my "family" as much as possible, thus I was always out, either in the street, or at a friends place, or at a cafe or even cabs and buses trying to find what warmth (physical and not) I could to survive the season. I would sometimes honestly stay in social transport for longer than was my destination, to simply not leave the car. And I always felt cold. It seemed like the cold was coming from the inside of my body making it harder to warm myself up. Tea or coffee would help but there's only so much liquids your body can take in. Staying at work for that same reason became my favorite time of the day, seeing how the place was heated well and there was no such discomfort there, but not in the street... There were times when I would walk myself into a frenzy, going as fast as I could to hasten the blood circulation and warm up. The perspectives of getting my own place to live were fairly grim at the moment. Added to that was the fact that I didn't feel like imposing on any of my friends longer than necessary, true they were wonderful friends and probably wouldn't mind, but I just didn't feel like it. It felt wrong to do. And to top it off I felt responsible to deal with this on my own. This was after all only my problem and it was after me to deal with it as I could, because I was no longer a little girl, though that little girl was still very much inside and was pretty hurt, lonely and sometimes scared, I kept telling her that she wasn't alone anymore, that now she had me and that I would take care of her. And that was a new feeling. Because if before, the bouts of loneliness made me feel panic rising and provoked a desire to die, now I had an invisible defense from it. Namely a simple truth that no matter how alone I would feel sometimes, I accepted that feeling and let it pass through me, reminding myself that I would still always have me. As odd as it may sound, sometimes it felt like there were two of me and one was a consolation for the other. I often wondered what would happen if both of them became depressed. Thus I felt responsible for the protection of that other one. That weak person, that little girl. I was becoming my own parent. Not the parent that my actual parents were to me. But a loving, nurturing, caring parent, the one that I, or rather she never had. I would allow her to cry and mourn and whine all she wanted and I wouldn't ridicule her for it, I wouldn't tell her to shut up and stop crying this instant anymore. I wouldn't tell her to get a grip on herself. Instead I allowed her to wallow in self pity all she wanted, because I knew, she would come back to me after that period and she would be okay. And sometimes, when I could, I would hug her. For a person who's hated herself most of her sensible life, this felt like a big step forward. I don't know where. But it was a step nevertheless. So the winter was cold and I was technically homeless but I gained something instead and sometimes it felt like what I gained, cost more than all the houses in the world combined. I gained my own company.
Beautiful post, SleeplessS! A lot of the problems of the world would evaporate if people could just learn to keep their own company and to love themselves. You are right, you have gained an immense treasure: feeling well in your own skin. This will make everything you do somehow different, and better. I wish you all the best (and central heating)! (*hug*)
A sense of self and self worth is more important than anything else. I used to lack confidence for many reasons, now I don't, and I don't have any good reason other than finding myself and maturing. Now aside from the inner turmoil, 1.) Nice leggings or thermal under layers help, even in a "warm house" sometimes. Layers are always nice because you can take them off. 2.) I'm not a doctor, but SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing, no matter who you are. The changing sunlight and weather has a true biological effect on people. I know because I suffer from it. 3.) Don't be afraid to ask for help, it's not a sign of weakness but of wisdom.
greatwhale You're right..finding myself is what saved me ultimately..and therapy of course.. Kasey thank you, that was very sweet of you. I know quite a bit about SAD, which is I also know I don't have it. It's not really the season, I actually love winter, I am weird like that, I love the wind and the snow and all that I love it. It's just a tough period in life and I don't really have my own place to live to get away from it all. However in the midst of it all that's what I have found and I just felt like sharing..I think it's a precious gift..and I won't take it for granted.
