I want to commit suicide. Please help me

Please don't do anything. If you feel like taking action, call the suicide prevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255. You are still young and have a long life ahead of you. You are just going through a rough time and things will get better. Just remember that there are people out there that want you to feel better and live happy.

And God doesn't hate gay people. If he did, why does he make so damn many of us?

 

There are a hundred things I want to say to you right now, but I'll start with just one.

Welcome to EC. (*hug*)

This community here will prove to be a valuable resource for you moving forward in your life. Unfortunately, you've surrounded yourself with less-than-stellar individuals in Lydia and Jane. The community here, however, can actually help you get the support, advice, and love that you need to move forward.

So, let's tackle some problems.

Lies with Lydia - What you've done actually isn't that uncommon. A lot of people lie and make up fake personalities on the internet for various reasons, and when they're in a situation like yours it's sometimes easy for things to spiral out of control. You would not be the first, and you will not be the last to make up a fake boyfriend or girlfriend in order to try and make your ex jealous.

So, how do you move forward? Well, you have two options. The first involves you telling the truth. This will obviously make Lydia angry, and lead to more drama. The second involves just stop doing it. Cancel or delete the accounts and methods you use to contact Lydia. Just have her disappear, and don't ever go back to read anything Lydia may say in response to that disappearance.

Choose whatever option works best for you. The issue with the second option, though, is that you may be tempted to go back and pretend to be the persona once again. The first option ends it permanently.

Jane and Lydia - You're better off without them both. Neither of them were healthy influences on you. Do not be concerned with them getting together and comparing notes. Also, don't be concerned about this somehow filtering out into the wider world. It's easy to let anxiety take control of you, and send you into a panic. ...but think about it rationally. How likely is it that these two girls are going to talk about something that happened with another girl that they knew on the internet with strangers they meet in real life? It just isn't going to happen. There may be a small chance that Jane and Lydia somehow link up and compare notes, because they're both part of the same writing community and both of them know you, right? But if you tell Lydia the truth about the fake persona then there is nothing Jane holds over you aside from the lies that you told her... which she has no way to verify and Lydia can't validate or deny.

Your Mother & the Family - I'm sorry, but I'm going to be harsh here. You give your mother too much credit. You've essentially surrendered your self-worth to her and the rest of your family. That's a choice that you make.

Your mothers issues with "internet people"? Those are her issues. Your mothers issues with gay people? Those are also her issues. Those are her problems, and she should get the help that she needs to get over them. You're an adult now, and those problems don't have to be your problems if you don't want them.

What your mother thinks of you, how your mother feels, all of that is on her. You don't own it. The questions that you need to ask are: What do you think? How do you feel? What do you want?

Whether or not anyone else approves or agrees with that shouldn't really factor into your equation.

Now, I'm not saying you should come out to your parents. Most certainly not at this stage. No, you should begin planning for the future.

Your Therapist - The first step you should take is to ditch this guy as fast as you can. There are a lot of reasons you should do this, and if you want to go over them - we can.

You can find a LGBT supportive therapist by going here. Click on "Find a Therapist" at the top of the page. Type in your Zip Code. Then look on the left hand side of the menu bar for "Sexuality" you'll see "Gay Issues" already listed. Click "More". You'll find "Lesbian Issues" there. Click that. It'll help you find nearby therapists who are supportive of Lesbian Issues, but you can also find a Gay Issues therapist as well - either works fine for your particular situation. What you ultimately want is a therapist that is LGBT supportive.

We can talk about the potential hurtles you'll face when finding a new therapist. For example, will your mother oppose you switching therapists? Are you able to drive yourself? How much freedom is your mother and family giving to you? Etc. Etc.

Finding a therapist who you can come out to is going to be a game changer for you, and a big first step toward getting your life on track toward a positive direction.

Stop Beating Yourself Up - This is easier said than done, but you've taken enough crap from other people without adding your own to it as well. You have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing to be embarrassed about, and no reason to hate or hurt yourself. You're not alone. So many other people have been in your shoes.

You're not a bad person. You're a person who is in a bad situation whose made a few minor mistakes. ...and yes, your mistakes in the grand scheme of things are very minor. The mistakes you've made do not reveal some deep earth shattering flaws about who you really are, they reveal that you're human. Just like everyone else.

One day, I want you to have the ability to look in the mirror and love the person looking back at you. To know that she's a flawed, but good person - someone that is worthy of love and respect.

If you want to get to that place, then all you need to do is take a tiny step forward. After you take that first step, you'll take another step, then another, and another... eventually you'll look back and realize that you've traveled pretty damn far from where you started. But that journey begins with that single step.

...so what obstacles are blocking your path to getting a new therapist, and how can you overcome them?

 

First of all, welcome to EC. I'm glad you've taken the time to write this all out; I imagine it'll be very helpful and cathartic to you... if not immediately so, then down the line as time passes.

From what I've read, I really can only suggest to you a few things, and give you a few pointers. Ultimately, this is your life and you will have to make the choices... and sometimes the harder choices are the more rewarding ones. I can also let you know right now that while life may seem very difficult at the moment, and while you may feel trapped right now, I think that the truth in some form will be able to set you free.

For starters, regarding your therapist... If you feel he has an agenda, there already is an issue between you and him, and you won't be getting the aid you deserve. For that reason, I suggest that you seek out another therapist... one who you won't feel judged by or pressured by or anything in the slightest. You want to be able to trust your therapist completely, and you want to be able to tell them the whole story so that they'll be able to help you help yourself. With your current therapist, I just do not imagine that happening anytime in the future, and it may even be doing more harm than good to see him.

Now, regarding the tangled web you've weaved... It's messy, honestly. It's something that may seem impossible to fix... but I do think you can handle it in a certain way. I think that, from now on, you might want to try to aim for only being authentic with others and only telling the truth (For example, not giving others the impression that you've been raped or anything similar). That might mean that you decide to stop talking to Lydia as the imaginary person. That might mean that you decide to reveal the truth to her. That, in turn, might mean that Lydia will never talk to you again. It'd also mean, though, that you'll have freed yourself from all this weight. I'm not suggesting to do so anytime soon, or to even do so at all, but I do think it's something to consider in the near future. The short-term effects may be both distressing as well as relieving, but in the long run I think it'd be a net positive.

The first step, I think, has already been taken. You acknowledge you have a problem. You acknowledge that you should stop doing so. The second step'd be to reach out and get the support you need in order to identify what changes you want to make to your life, and what steps you'll want to take eventually (As a step 3). EC is one such place that I hope you feel you could use. You could also PM a staff member on here and we'll do our best to assist you to the extent of our abilities. However, I think that, again, looking into finding another therapist who you feel comfortable with is also a priority and is also something that'd be able to help you very much. Telling this new therapist what you've written here (In fact, you could even send this exact post to him or her) will be very beneficial, too.

Life really may not seem that bright at the moment. I do think that things will look up for you eventually. There are poisons in your life, it seems, but they can be dealt with. I hope that, with some aid, you'll be able to improve the quality of your life. Much of it can be about gaining a perspective shift and reevaluating your self-worth... which is easier said than done. Regardless, you have our support, and we'll be supporting you through this rough patch in your life.

What the others above me have said are also excellent points to keep in mind. I'm wishing and hoping the best for you, and I know you can do it. Remember that all of us fall... and that it's okay to lean on others. The important bit — and the bit that garners most growth — is rebounding back onto your feet.

 

Please don't hurt yourself. It's a permenent solution to a temporary problem. I just had an uncomfortable convo at breakfast with my grandparents about homosexuality. They have no clue I'm gay but I just ignore them because honestly the are Christians from the south and another generation, I don't really expect them to think any different. I guess what I am trying to sayis don't feel guilty or listen to others. You are who you are. Love yourself and others will love u back

 

Pour your heart out. A lot of us have been there. Things look dark but will get better, I've been there before, not because of who I am but for other reasons. The point is that you WILL get better and look back at this and be like "oh man things weren't so bad".

I did that when I recovered.

And unless you're uncomfortable doing it in person, having a real person in the room provides that true human interaction you might want from a therapist. Not saying your therapist is bad, just saying meeting in person might be good for you.

 

I think you should tell Lydia. This is your chance to be honest, it will take a huge weight off your shoulder rather than just leaving things hanging by deleting your account and disappearing. Both of you are equally responsible for this situation so there is nothing to be ashamed about.

 

Well I'm glad you feel better, EC and any other truly supporting place should make you feel better and have people wanting to.support you.

 

Just tell your parents you want to talk to a therapist in person and Skype won't cut it.

Also these existential questions are not unique to anyone. Take your time. Just know things get better once you accept it yourself.

 

Both the "Skype thing" and the therapist not working best for you (which is more Important of the two) should provide a good reason for anyone for any circumstance to switch. Go for it girl.(*hug*)

 

First, it's great that you're in college and live out of state from your parents. You're actually in a very good place as a result. This gives you way more freedom than you would have otherwise - imagine trying to sort this out while living under your parents roof. Much harder. Your college isn't ideal, but that's a minor issue in the scheme of things.

I figured that you were in this situation. A lot of people who come from really religious families have a tendency to try and keep everyone (particularly their children) "in network" - making sure they see therapists that agree with their religious beliefs (anti-gay), making sure that they attend the proper colleges that agree with their religious beliefs (also anti-gay). It's almost like they build a bubble around themselves, and do their best to keep alternative view points and ideas out.

...the good news is that you have the ability to go around them now and reach for help outside their little network.

So, let's talk about how you ditch your therapist. Like you said, you obviously can't be 100% truthful with your mother without coming out. So what do you say? Well, you tell her the truth while leaving out the lesbian parts.

But first... you have your insurance card, right? Your mother isn't setting the appointments for you, is she? If you have the money and your insurance information, you can just go ahead and find a new therapist in your area. I wouldn't even bother to alert her on the change, unless it comes up. Act like it's no big deal. You don't even have to notify your current therapist that you're leaving, just call and speak to the receptionist and tell them that you need to cancel your next appointment, and that you'll call back to schedule a new one. (Then just never call back.)

If your old therapist calls you and attempts to find out why, just tell him this, and this can be the same story that you told your mother...

"I didn't feel that I was making any progress on my problems, and I feel that seeing someone in person might be more helpful, in particular someone who specializes in the issues that I seem to be having."

That's it... That's all you really need to say. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. You're an adult. You are allowed to make these types of decisions.

If your mother pressures you, point that fact out to her: "Hey, Mom - I'm twenty years old. I didn't realize that I still needed your approval for my doctors. I'm out of state, and I didn't feel like what I had going with <therapist's name> was working for me. I wanted to see if seeing someone in person would be better. It didn't make sense to keep seeing someone when I wasn't getting any real improvement, it was just throwing good money after bad money."

None of this is untrue. If your mother attempts to pressure you, then at that point it's a good time to begin setting some more healthy boundaries. You -ARE- an adult. You don't need her permission, consent, or approval. You have the ability to make decisions on your own without even consulting her.

In fact, you can do this without your mother even finding out. You can just be straight up with your therapist, tell him it isn't working out, and that you're going to start looking for someone new nearby. You can specifically tell him that you'd prefer him not to talk to your mother about the fact that you're leaving, and to keep all of your information confidential. He's obligated BY LAW to do this. If he does it anyway, you have methods to punish him via the law - starting with filing a report with the mental health board of your state. Violating your confidentiality is a serious issue.

If you have your insurance information, and the money for a co-pay you can seek out a new therapist right now without telling anyone. In fact, I highly recommend doing this BEFORE telling anyone, as your therapist has a financial interest in preventing you from leaving him and your mother has a personal investment in keeping you seeing the same guy. Both of them may attempt to pressure you into staying.

Making the decision on your own before you tell them won't have the same type of impact on you, because you've already taken the action. You're in a fragile emotional position, and it would be SO helpful to you to have someone who you can be honest with and get real help.

I'm speaking from experience here. I've been through two therapists of my own before settling my current one, and my second one was doing exactly what yours is doing. I made the early mistake of including my mother in a list of people she could talk to, and literally after every visit she'd speak with my mother. Was I ever honest with her about anything? Hell no.

I learned from my last two therapists so I laid down strong guidelines with my current one. I don't even have emergency contact information with him, so he can't get in touch with anyone but me even if he wanted to.


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Now, should you tell Lydia the truth? Emotionally, I think it would be better, but if she's made threats about contacting your parents in the past - that's a decision that you're going to have to make yourself. You're going to have to weigh the pro's and con's.

Obviously, you want to end it. So long as you stop, it doesn't really matter how it happens. You can also make the decision right now to delete the accounts permanently, and if you can't delete the accounts for whatever reason then there are other options. One of them is to change the password and for the new password type in a bunch of gibberish that you aren't going to remember. That would prevent you from getting access to the account again.

You might agonize over how to tell her the truth, but you can make the decision right now - in this second - to get rid of the accounts without telling her anything. Her emotional state is not your responsibility. Besides, this is a person that believed that you were dating someone, and encouraged her to leave you and get with her instead. The level of remorse you should have for someone that devious and backstabbing is fairly low.

Understand the type of person you're dealing with, and realize that you aren't responsible for her. You're only responsible for your actions. You don't have the power to control other people - how they feel, what they think, or how they act. Realizing this truth is so fundamentally important that I don't think I can emphasize it enough.

I see so much of myself in you and your actions. We've fallen into similar traps in life, the difference between us is that I'm a little bit further down the line. I have the advantage of 20/20 hindsight.

Just as an example, we're both people pleasers. Now, I can't speak for you, but I'll speak for myself. I used to look at my people pleasing as some type of noble trait. "I'm putting other people first." "I'm just not selfish like other people." Meanwhile, as I put other people first my own life was in shambles, and I did the best I could to hide it. I had horrible, crippling anxiety issues, which I did my best to hide. Basically, I walked around in the world with a giant smile on my face, doing things for others, treating people with kindness and respect... meanwhile, everything about myself: hide, hide, hide, hide. If there was one word to describe my life hide is the word. I made my life about everyone else.

Why did I do that? Well, first of all by doing that it conveniently gave me an excuse not to address my own problems. "I can't do X because so-and-so needs me right now." Is always a wonderful excuse that made me feel better. By allowing myself to be immersed in other peoples lives, it allowed me an excuse not to have one of my own.

...but all of this was even more insidious. I made it out to be a noble thing, and I legitimately saw it that way. However, the truth is that I had hidden motives that even I didn't really understand.

The underlying motivation was this thought: If I looked perfect, lived perfectly, and did everything just right, then no one could judge me. If I could be the best friend, the perfect son, the perfect brother, and the best neighbor possible - then no one would ever have to know what a <insert negative self-talk here: what a worthless person that I am, how much of a pathetic human being I am, that I was gay, that I was an idiot, etc.>.

Basically, that was my mask - my shield. It's how I tried to protect myself from the world, and it's entirely based off perception. It had nothing to do with me being authentic to who I really am - quite the opposite. It had everything to do with how OTHER PEOPLE perceived me. I would change who I was, what I believed, and whatever else was necessary to make other people comfortable and happy.

At it's core it was about manipulating what other people felt, thought, and how they acted. I wanted to avoid situations where I felt shame, judgment, and blame. The unfortunate truth is that NO ONE can avoid these situations, and so when I inevitably encountered them my immediate reaction was to begin blaming myself. I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't nice enough, I did the wrong thing... and this in turn actually fueled me to be even worse.

It was like being trapped in an endless cycle, even though I didn't see it that way at the time. This cycle is actually hugely addictive because EVERYONE wants to avoid the emotions of shame, judgment, and blame. We are social creatures by our nature, and as a result we want to avoid doing things that would lead to us being outcast from the group. Sometimes this can be a good thing, but in many cases - especially in our modern world, and especially for me - it was a bad thing.

It was hugely destructive and it was destroying my life. I managed to start breaking out of this cycle by first realizing what was actually going on. After that, I worked to figure out when I was doing it, and looked for ways to stop it. I worked on my negative self-talk. Over time (and it does take time and persistence, you don't erase years of habit over night) I was able to get better little by little. I'm still not perfect - no one is - but I'm much better than I was just two years ago.

Now, maybe I'm off base and you can't relate to this at all, if so - that's okay. You know yourself better than anyone else. However, if you do see a parallel in what I am saying with yourself, then realize that I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who has 20/20 hindsight, whose traveled the road that you're on and who has made it to the other side. As a result, I can say that it's not as hard and not as scary as it might seem.

I highly recommend watching these TED Talks by Professor Brene Brown.

[YOUTUBE]iCvmsMzlF7o[/YOUTUBE]

[YOUTUBE]psN1DORYYV0[/YOUTUBE]

 

If you think she would do that then it's probably best not to tell her. You just have to assess the situation as best you can.

 

CME,
Well I had a few ideas for you, however, Aldrick has covered most of them. I would read and re-read his posts a couple times. Some very good advice there for you.

I don't think you did anything evil. What you did with Lydia was wrong, yes. (We all want to be liked, we've all done things like that before...the main thing is to recognized it and trying to live a better way when you can). Thats something you might want to speak with your future therapist about. You're a human being, you're going to make mistakes, you're going to mess up from time to time. When that happens, you can beat yourself up as much as you want, but self-punishment won't fix the problem and won't really atone for anything. When I mess up, I try and look at things from a more useful problem/solution perspective. Everything is a problem to be worked a step at a time until the best possible solution is reached.
Example:
You show up late to work, its the 2nd time this week, you're boss is mad at you. If you beat yourself about it, give yourself a lot of negative imagery, you'll only get yourself more down about it, you're not working on the problem, you'll probably lie in bed worrying about it so much you end up waking up late for work a third time and essentially you're setting yourself up for failure. Instead, you can tell your boss, I'm sorry, I'll work on being on time from now on. And in your mind, work the problem, what can you do to be sure you're on time. And its good to look at things from a neutral perspective too, -like why are you late? Maybe its not just a matter of you being irresponsible, maybe it is, but try and looking at things from a more adult perspective, whats the best option for you? Get a different job? Can you talk to your boss about coming in an hour later everyday? Do you just need to set two alarms and set them ten minutes earlier each day?

Also, I would talk to your future therapist about your lying both with lydia and your parents. It seems from several of your posts, when you encounter a tough situation your first impulse is like aldrick said, "to be a people pleaser". I think you'll find thats where most of the anxiety in your life stems from. You're trying to live up to someone else's expectations and not your own. Its impossible. Now that you're 20. The time for that is over. Its time to start living up to your own expectations and not worry so much about what other people think of you. Trying to be who you think someone else believes you ought to be WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY - and you don't have to because you only have to be yourself, for the people in your life that really love and care for you, that will always be enough. Take the old cliche to heart, You can't please everyone all the time, but you can always please yourself.

Quit obsessing/get your mind off your problems- do you like listening to music? do you have hobbies? Is there some activity that you really enjoy that you have the ability to do on a daily basis? Thinking about all that you wrote about constantly (basically thinking about your problems all the time) is enough to drive anyone nuts. Slap some headphones on your phone and go for walk, paint, draw, meditate, building oak furniture, whatever random thing works best for you-do something to get your mind off things for a while. Not just watching TV, you need an activity that keeps your mind focused on something else. We all have busy, busy lives these days, work, school, friends, family, just remember to put YOURSELF FIRST on whatever busy schedule you have so you'll have the right energy to deal with all the rest of it.

My opinion on your relationship with Jane - thats a toxic relationship for you - get away and stay away. And I forgot what you said exactly, and I don't have time to quote it but the way wrote how she said she'd give you another chance...I didn't really care much for her demeanor on that. I'd be cautious of that in the future.

Lydia and your parents
Here's an idea for a starter on your conversation with Lydia:
Lydia,
I have something to tell you which is going to upset you. Please know that words cannot express how sorry I am. I did something wrong, I've hurt you and it has to stop now. I can't continue to do this anymore. Lydia, I am really <your real name>. I realize now what an unhealthy thing it is I have done to pretend to be this person. I was lonely, I was hurt because of the way you treated me and most of all, I liked you so much I didn't want to stop talking to you. So instead of being myself, I became the person you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I lied to you. I hope you don't hate me and I hope that one day you can forgive me.

Now on worrying about your parents and them finding out about Jane and Lydia and in being assertive of your feelings,
Mom,
I love you very much. There are some things I need to get off my chest. I need to tell you how very lonely I feel. With all the people around me, I don't really feel I have anyone I can truly connect with. A best friend. This is why I sought out friends on the internet, I needed someone to talk to you who I could relate to and feel emotionally connected with as a friend. I didn't feel like I had anyone in my life to do that, so I looked toward the internet. Please know I've been very safe about it. I would never give out my address, and if I ever sought to meet someone it would be in a public place.
For the time being though, I don't think you'll have to worry much about that. As the people I reached out to didn't work out the best for me. I'm no longer speaking to them.
The therapist I'm seeing now, I don't think any real progress is being made. I feel like if I try another therapist, it might work out better for me. I know I have a lot of issues to work though. Its really hard for me right now trying to get through school and everything. Its so hard for me I feel helpless in my life sometimes and I get very depressed even to the point where sometimes I wish I were not here anymore to deal with it all.

Or something to that effect, if nothing else, since you wrote how worried you were about your mother finding out things you've told Jane/Lydia. I would turn that on its head and just tell her about jane/lydia yourself. (omitting lesbian issues if you aren't yet comfortable with that).

GOOD LUCK I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

 

Trust me when I say, I understand where you're coming from on so many different levels.

I wouldn't say that you might not be able to pay for the therapist. Many therapists have a sliding scale. My advice is to create a list of LGBT supportive therapists in your area, and figure out how many of them take your insurance and whether or not you'd qualify for their sliding scale if they have one.

Once you have an idea of those that you can most afford, you can then make a determination on what to say to your mother. After all you've already done all the leg work. It would just be a matter of making an appointment and filling out the paperwork.

I don't know your mother, obviously, but my concern (and you can tell me if I'm off base here) is that she is the controlling type. And she's probably going to want you to specifically see a particular type of therapist that does some type of "Christian Based Therapy" - or some other such nonsense. Basically, in short, ensuring that you go to an anti-gay therapist that you can't come out too.

This concern may be completely unfounded on my part, as you know your mother better than me. However, one of the primary goals here is to cut ties with this guy and start going somewhere else SPECIFICALLY because you want to ditch the possibility that he may be reporting back to your mother.

If your mother wants to somehow be involved in your therapy sessions, you can always tell her that you'll talk to your therapist about it. Then when you get there do what I did - make sure you don't put down any contact information for anyone aside from yourself. That way they won't be able to get in touch with anyone but you. Then in your first session (which usually includes some bits about how confidentiality works), you can pointedly bring up the issue you had with your previous therapist.

That way you aren't lying to your mother. You did bring it up with him, and you promptly told him that you wanted him to keep his mouth shut.

If your mother asks about it you can always tell her, "Well, he/she wants a chance to get to know me first. I've only had a few visits and we're just feeling things out right now." Then as time passes, she'll ideally start to keep her nose out. However, if she doesn't then you can talk to your therapist about how to handle that.

Once she starts shelling out the cash for a new one, you're in the clear. It's unlikely that she's going to try and send you back to the old one, and if she thinks you're making better progress with the one you have... well, she'll be hard pressed to find a convincing reason to force you to stop.

My advice is to make a list of names and numbers of LGBT supportive therapists in your area using the link I provided. Then call them to find out if they take your insurance, and whether or not they do a sliding scale. Once you've narrowed them down the next step is to pick one that you think you'll be most comfortable with.

If you really want to be proactive you can even call your current therapist up, and essentially break up with him. Flatly tell him that you don't think things are working out, that you don't feel like you're making progress, and that you think it'd be better to see someone else in person. He may want to discuss some things with you, and at the end of that thank him for his services (assuming he isn't rude or anything), and inform him that you don't think you'll be coming back. If he attempts to be pushy about you staying with him, just flatly tell him that you've already started looking into other therapists in your area.

This way when you have the conversation with your mother, you can kinda put her in a hard place. She can't pull anything on you like, "Well have you spoken to him about it, yet?" You can come back with, "Yeah, I've already told him that I won't be coming back."

That's not going to give her many options, as the best argument she can put on you is to talk to him first before you ditch him. If you've already taken care of that she isn't going to have many other threads to grasp onto without seeming desperate, controlling, or just silly.

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As for how you deal with Lydia... that's entirely up to you. If you do type gibberish in for the passwords, you don't necessarily negate the fact that you can't (at a later date) come clean to her. It's not necessarily an either / or choice.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd go ahead and get rid of the accounts right now. Since it's a decision that I can make at this very moment. The issue with waiting is that your resolve may waver in the future while you're still trying to make up your mind.

If sometime in the future you want to be honest with Lydia for your peace of mind, you can totally do that. In fact, having your fake persona go dark and waiting awhile to tell her may actually lessen the blow to some degree, because once she's gone it gives her a chance to go ahead and move on with her life.

As a result, if at some point in the future you want to come clean to her, she's had some time to get over things and she might not be as emotionally raw. It's also less risky as she has threatened to call your parents in the past and out you to them. This is something you can talk to your therapist about, and there is no reason you have to make that decision right this second.

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I'm very glad that I've been able to help. (*hug*)

You will find EC is a very supportive community, and I think if you stick around here for awhile, you're going to experience a lot of emotional growth. It takes time, but each day things have the potential to get a little bit better.