Just stumbled across this forum and I’d like some advice please. I have known since I was about 13 that I was gay, now I’m 50. I'm from a very small, God fearing town, population about 1500. In this town (in MS) even with the population that small, there are at least 7 churches in the city limits (2 mile radius at best), and within a 10 mile radius, I couldn't count them all at the moment. Everyone knows everyone and who they are kin to. Where to start? I was raised by parents deep in the Baptist Church. We seldom missed a Sunday, only if one of us was "dying", but the rest still went. There is no way that I could have ever come out, not even today. Aside from all of the "Bible Thumpers" that I know, it would devastate my 70+ year old parents even to this day. Needless to say, the town isn't known for its Gay community by far. I had many friends there before I moved to a little larger town about 16 years ago. (Population about 12,000 and about 40 miles East) I came to know a few younger gay guys through a younger friend of mine who isn’t gay, but doesn’t hate on people who are. I was a mechanic, then, though I’m not now. I was very masculine and didn’t act gay at all. (Not saying that there is a way to “act” gay). No one would have thought it then, and no one thinks that now. Years before I moved, one of my younger friends, (10 years younger, who is married and has children now) came on to me and wanted to “try it”. I was TOTALLY shocked because I had never told anyone about my preference. Not that I didn’t and hadn’t wanted to with him many years before, but it just blew me away. I was shocked, but very happy of course. We did the “deed” and now 20 years later, still do on occasion. I had this happen a couple of other times with a few neighbors there too. Don’t know why again, but totally happy that it did. I still see one of them too and he is married with kids also. I had never been married and didn’t really go out with girls a lot, though I did a few times. I met a few that I really liked, but that’s as far as it went. I just couldn’t “get it up” with them. As a friend they were great, but when we got in bed, it just wouldn’t work. On the other hand, when I saw a nice looking guy, it would “jump straight up”. I tried to live the “straight” life for the benefit of others, but girls just didn’t really do it for me, still don’t. When I moved and met a few younger gay guys through my friend, I had a few of his friends want to “do it” too, though he never did and still hasn’t. (We did do oral though)We (His friends) did and I of course loved it and they have been back. I even had one guy who “wanted to” but wasn’t sure. We got into bed one night and started a little touching. He said that he really wasn’t sure that he wanted to, but thought that he did. I told him right then to get up, get dressed and have another drink. Not to get him “drunker” but I didn’t want to “force” him to do anything that he wasn’t sure about. We didn’t that night, and never have, which is fine. He wasn’t sure and I didn’t try in the least to force him into it. After all, it was his decision to begin with, that’s the only reason that I was in the bed with him in the first place. These guys are about 30 years younger than me. I don’t know what any of them are looking for unless it’s a “Sugar Daddy”. With the exception of a few encounters a year, my life is pretty boring now. I do have a FleshLight that I bought myself for Christmas this year (first sex toy) and I’m loving it, but it’s not the same thing as actually having someone to love. Even though I do have sex occasionally, it’s with people that I can’t really “LOVE”. I say that knowing that I really do, but I’m not sure that they feel the same way. I don’t think they can. I guess for them it’s just “sex” in the “moment”. Even though we both enjoy it, it’s just not the same as having someone in your life. I know someone that I used to work with many years ago when I was a mechanic. He still is. I ran across him a few weeks ago by chance. We still live within 40 miles of each other. I have never known him to go out with anyone (women or men). I asked him if he had ever gotten married and had kids and his answer was no. Not really sure what advice that I’m asking for here. I’m just confused about my life I guess. I didn’t wake up one day and say that I was going to be gay; it just always was and always will be as far as I’m concerned. I find it hard for religious people to label someone as “going straight to Hell” for living that lifestyle. I don’t feel that it was a “choice” for me. As I said, I’ve pretty much known since I was 13 that I was gay. I just had feelings for other guys and not girls. I feel that God made me that way for a reason and I don’t know why, but it had to be him that did it. It wasn’t something that I woke up to one morning and just realized. I guess what I’m asking is: 1: Why am I gay? 2: Why did some of my now married friends have sex with me and still do? 3: Why did they think that I was gay or that I would want to have sex with them? 4: Why did people 30 years my junior do the same thing? 5: Is there any way to find someone who will make me happy and that I can love? If so where? 6: Is there any way to find out if my old mechanic friend would like to “try” something with me? Also, with many live cam sites out there now, there are a lot of good looking young guyz with their bodies on display. Please don’t “diss” us “old men”. When we were your age, we only had 3 channels on a Black and White TV. We couldn’t have even imagined the world as it is now. You are growing up with it and it is the norm to you. Please remember that we never had any of this technology when we were growing up and were the age that you are now. It’s a totally new world for us, and we are trying to enjoy it. I know that you don’t want to come jump in the bed with us, but at least be nice. (I do realize there are a few AHoles out there too. )
Hi there, Welcome to EC :smilewave I'm afraid that I don't have any really firm answers to your questions below. but I'll give it my best shot... Nobody knows the reason for why some people are non-straight. There are various theories around epigenetic effects, some sort of 'gay gene', effects in the womb, etc. I would suggest that it is enough that you know you are gay and accept that this is a part of who you are. I can only guess here, but IMHO it could be either: a) They are not as straight as they pretend to be any more than you are. Given where you are located, I suspect there are a lot of closets around. Note also that there are quite a few folks here on EC who, despite being non-straight, go on to marry and have kids and such for various reasons, often based in societal expectations or wanting to be 'normal' or something similar. It is sometimes years or even decades later before they finally end up coming out (to themselves and others), if they ever do. b) That people are very much into sex and orgasm and trying to find new ways of achieving it or achieving more intensity of sensation both in getting to it and during the orgasm itself. Being with you might have started out as curiosity along those lines. Then they liked it and have continued to do it (even if they might never admit to either liking it or doing it). Personally (and somewhat based on personal experience), I have this theory that if we stripped away all the societal taboos around homosexuality, most people would at least experiment and quite a lot more would be either bi or pan (assuming that such terms would even have meaning any longer). No idea I'm afraid. I don't know you and can't get any kind of 'read' on your personality or behavior/mannerisms to see if you give off any kind of 'vibe'. Maybe they weren't so much thinking you were gay as just making a pass or indicating they wanted sex and you went along with it so sex was had? Perhaps this is something the guys in your area do and if someone doesn't react they know they're straight and so don't pursue it? Although if that's the case, it's odd you never got the memo.. If you wanted, you could ask them what led them to come on to you in the first place. See above. No real idea although from what you posted, I got the sense that these younger guys were already gay. You say you were a mechanic and pretty masculine. Without knowing what you look like and what kind of 'vibe' you give off, I can only speculate that you might be pretty good looking or in good shape or otherwise just be a guy who attracts other guys. I had a friend many years ago who seemed to do that. He was really charming and fun and, even though he wasn't in great shape, he usually had a small herd of guys of all ages following him around with their tongues dragging on the ground. He really wasn't my type but we ended up fooling around a couple of times within weeks of meeting, after which we just became good friends. Maybe you're like him? Note that a percentage of the gay male population is attracted to men who are older than they are. There are certainly ways to look and to increase the odds of finding someone. Depending on where you are, you might visit (or perhaps move to) a larger city where there is a larger gay community and look into developing social connections and starting to date. You could look online via sites like Meetup or the like for socialization opportunities for LGBT people, which could again lead to dating possibilities. You could try dating websites, although by all reports those can be haphazard. In all of these, the odds increase of you meeting people and thereby meeting both friends and potential romantic partners. What sort of person do you find attractive romantically? You'd probably need to come out to him, I think. Or, at least come on to him. You could potentially talk to him about some gay relevant issues and see how reacts first or something. Although, given where you are, it's hard to say if he'd be answering truthfully or just 'keeping up appearances'. But you know him far better than I do obviously. Hope this helps, Todd
Thanks Todd for taking time to answer my questions. 1. I do know that I'm gay, and I don't deny that to myself. I just can't be to open with it if you know what I mean, and that tears me apart. It keeps me from being myself and from being happy with someone. 2. A) That is probably very true. I'm sure that the must have at least had some gay in them in the first place. I just couldn't see it probably. I just can't see people getting married and having kids if they are gay just to satisfy someone else. I guess that's probably the reason though. 2. B) I guess that you are correct. They do like orgasms and they love sex. I don't see how being with me might have initiated it though. I'm certainly glad the it did. The main 2 that I see now though, do admit to liking it and are very verbal during sex. (How good it feels to them and etc.) You theory is most likely correct. 3. Not sure that I understand the "Memo" part. I guess that I may have the "vibe", but I'm not sure. I'm very straight acting and masculine though. I wouldn't think that anyone would think that I was gay. Even the people that I work with to this day don't think that. I can tell by the remarks they make about gays, which depresses me more. I guess that would be the easiest way to find out is just to ask them. Strange that I've never thought about that before. There is one guy that I think had brothers that did things with him, though I can't swear to it. I saw him 2 weeks ago. We had a good time as usual. He was already planning on leaving his 3rd wife when I stayed at his house. Maybe I should "pounce" on that again. 4. I'm certainly no Adonis. I'm 6.0 and weigh 190. I do have a little gut from "old age", but I'm not a lard ass. I have a small cock too, about 5" on a full hard and not too thick. Most of the guys are gay already as you say, but one encounter I had the guy supposedly wasn't. He was at my house with his GF and my gay friend. I was kind of messing around with him (light play spanking) and stuff. He sent me a text and told me not to do that in front of his GF. Other than that he was fine with it. It was a few months later when he came back and we did it. He was adamant about me not letting our mutual gay friend know about it. I asked our mutual gay friend (who's pretty honest about what and who he does) if he had ever done anything with him and the answer was a firm NO, but I'd love to. I have pretty much had a lot of younger guys "following" me as your friend did, but I have no idea why. I may give off a vibe that I'm not aware of. 5. I've tried dating sites with no success. I've contacted guys and they have replied, but it always ends up being a "dry run". 6. I'd like to come out to him, but I'm scared to. I have made passing comments, but I think that he's feeling the same way as I am. We are both scared to converse further about it. I really would like to get with him though. I've known him for 20+ years. He's never gone out with girls as far as I know, with exception of a few "flings" like I have had. He's a really hot guy in my opinion. He's gotten sexier with age. It's my dream to be with him. I really think that we could have a great life together if he's "game" like I am. I really don't see him a lot. We just happened to "bump" into each other a few months ago. That's the first time that I've seen him in 5 years probably. Kind of hard to break the ice in that length of time, but I feel that I did my best, even invited him over but haven't heard from him since. Thanks so much for responding to my questions Todd. That really means a lot to me. I hope that you and yours have/had a very Merry Christmas.
Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I know it's a little long, but I'd appreciate it.
Is it possible that you could move to another part of the country that would be more accepting? Figured I'd just throw the thought out there... Is he someone you would be interested in forming a relationship with? If so, and you already know he's not going to have a problem with the whole 'sex with men' thing, then it could be worth pursuing. Actually, based on things I've seen here, 5" is pretty much average. And it's not how much you have, it's what you can do with it Also what you do with the rest of what you have (fingers, tongue, just skin-on-skin contact). But I bet you know that already. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he'll show up on your doorstep some day soon. And end up in your bed shortly after If it eventually feels right to come out to him, perhaps you can. Happy to respond and hope you had a Merry Christmas as well. As mentioned above, if you are able to move to a place that is more accepting and that you could be your true self, that might be a thing to consider. Best, Todd
I've thought about moving, but both of my parents are still living and I'd kind of like to stay fairly close to them. I guess New Orleans would be close enough though. I was there at the friends house that you commented on next a few weeks ago. We went to the French Quarter and had a great time. I'm sure he would be open to it as we have had kind of a relationship for the last 20 years or so. Always stayed in contact. I guess I can use it ok. No one has ever complained yet. I'm certainly used to using the rest that you mentioned too. Hopefully the other guy will show up one day and we'll live happily ever after. I can only hope and try to make it happen I guess. Thanks again Todd, and Happy New Year.
