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(Death) I don't know how I'm supposed to react to this.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Necromancer, Dec 24, 2013.

  1. Necromancer

    Necromancer Guest

    Last night, somebody I went to Job Corps with died after being struck by a car. I'm still in contact with people from the center, so people are going to ask me how I feel sooner or later. The problem is, I don't really know. To be honest, I had some issues with the guy, and we didn't exactly get along. He wasn't bad or mean or anything like that, he just didn't fully understand how other people perceive things, and therefore had a hard time not acting offensive, irritating, and unhygienic (He was a trainee chef, so we hounded him hard on this. In retrospect, probably too hard.). He had good intentions, he just lacked the skill to carry out those intentions, which wasn't his fault. He certainly didn't deserve for anything bad to happen to him. I don't want to say anything that even sounds negative when people ask me about him, though, so I can't say that. I don't want to lie, either, because that won't sound very genuine.
     
  2. emkorora

    emkorora Guest

    I understand your position. I am uncertain how decisive you are that lying is not for you, but let me give you an example (from one of my favorite movies-- Harriet the Spy) of the potential deception can bring.

    If a friend was near to death, would you tell them so? No, most people would say they look beautiful.

    "Does my butt look big?" Classic lie most men, and women, provide!

    Santa Clause is another instance. There endless other examples but lying might help the deceased be remembered as someone who did not carry so many flaws as you are suggesting.

    Alternatively, I am certain he had many positive qualities. Was he friendly? Funny? Intelligent? Intellectual? Creative? Instead of focusing on what he didn't bring to the workforce, focus on what wonderful things he did carry with him.
     

  3. there is NO "proper" way to react to death, everyone takes it different. You are going to handle this different than everyone else in your life and his. Over seven billion people on the planet all unique with unique reactions.


    even though you may not think so you might need this
    7 STAGES OF GRIEF

    7 STAGES OF GRIEF


    the stages are not always sequential nor do we have to spend much time in them if we are not close to a person, but we still hit them.


    as far as reactions to the people you are going to encounter who also knew him, just offer the simple things that everyone does "it is a shame - he was so young" - you never have to go into details about how you feel about a person. If anyone presses you just say the subject bothers you - which is the total truth (it may not be death in this case that bothers you but talking about HIM due to your relationship with him, they are just going to assume death bothers you and drop the subject). Having done this you will have told the ABSOLUTE truth and not offended anyone. :eusa_clap


     
  4. Necromancer

    Necromancer Guest

    Thanks for the advice. I'll just try and say it shouldn't have happened, then.
     
  5. Argentwing

    Full Member

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    There is a strong social pressure to speak well of the dead, even if nobody did when they lived. I rationalize it because they can't defend themselves against accusations anymore, but there's no sense in lying to prop up a dead person's image. Case in point, Michael Jackson. Talented and influential as he was, he was a weird guy--the butt of a million jokes and the center of appalling claims of scandal. But when he died, everyone came out of the woodwork to call him a "legend." Granted he was, but I think it's important not to gloss over reality.

    It's the same for your case. You're allowed to say you don't feel bad. If anything, express sympathy to his family for their loss, but nobody's obligated to like somebody once they're gone.