1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't feel like I'm "part of the LGBT community"

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by apocalypse, Dec 26, 2013.

  1. apocalypse

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2013
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scranton
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm a 15 year old lesbian. That's all. Some people introduce me like "This is Anya, she's lesbian" like is that all there is to me??? Am I just a lesbian to you???
    I feel like a lot of people identify heavily with being gay, but I don't. I'm human. I'm the same exact person I was before I figured out my sexuality. I don't feel even remotely different.
    There are gay communities but I feel like I wouldn't fit in, because I don't identify myself as a lesbian, I identify as a human.
    There are people who ditched me because my short hair makes me look like a "stereotypical lesbian" to them, but I don't get it. I'm human. I'm the same person you'd talk to daily the weeks before, but because I cut my hair off you don't like me?

    I'm just so confused about this. And I don't really feel like I belong on EC either, because I'm not just a lesbian and like am I supposed to make friends by saying "Hi! I'm lesbian and I see you're lesbian too!" :frowning2:

    Is there anyone else who feels like I do? I'm in a really weird situation now..
     
  2. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    Different people identify with different things, or focus more strongly on different parts of themselves, depending on the situation and context. I suspect that even the most heavily LGBT identifying person doesn't do that 24/7 if for no other reason than that their bills still need to be paid and the house still needs to be cleaned regardless of your orientation (so to speak).

    EC, rather by its nature, is certainly focused on LGBT stuff, but note it also has a number of forums focused on stuff that really any person might be interested in regardless of orientation. If you'd like to focus your attention on those areas and leave the more LGBT focused areas to take care of themselves, that's certainly an option.

    I suspect part (most?) of what you're experiencing is a result of your age (and the presumed ages of those around you) and environment. If/when you hit an age/environment where being LGBT is not such a unique thing to other people then they will stop focusing on that and move on to considering you as an entire person and/or focus on other aspects of you that are relevant to that context or situation.

    In the immediate term, you might see if you can get involved with groups that do stuff you are interested in and focus on that. They may or may not note that you are lesbian, but if the focus of the group is on something specific (the environment, social justice, videogaming, whatever you enjoy or feel passionate about doing), then most people will rapidly move on whatever the group focus is and your orientation will just be one aspect of the person they know. As you get older and the people around you mature, this will also start to happen as well. If you move to a part of the country where LGBT people are much more commong/visible and therefore not really a novelty, you will also likely find that no one much cares or doesn't care for very long.

    Hang in there and stay positive and things will get better.

    Todd:slight_smile:
     
  3. Argentwing

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2012
    Messages:
    6,696
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You don't have to describe yourself as "a lesbian" or anything else in order to reap the benefits of being in a group. Everyone who identifies as GSM is a person first.
     
  4. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,385
    Likes Received:
    162
    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The perfect chance to say this.

    In my high school we had a LGBT Group but they had "if your not part of the solution you are part of the problem" as their mantra. That was something that turned off straight and gay members.

    You don't have to be gay to be in the community. You don't have to wear a dashiki because your grandfather was from Zimbabwe.

    Just be you.
     
  5. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    * Don't feel you need to alter who you are in order to fit into any group.

    * Don't feel that the people in any group altered who THEY are to fit into the group.

    * Don't feel that the people in any group are going to automatically exclude you, even if they all seem to be different than you. They might be looking for somebody different to help expand their base. It may be that you don't "mesh" with them, and that's fine. But feel free to give it a go.

    Lex
     
  6. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,385
    Likes Received:
    162
    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Listen to the wise gargoyle.
     
  7. girlonfire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2013
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    If people are introducing you as lesbian and you don't like that, tell them or ditch them. They have no right to make you uncomfortable. Being gay shouldn't change their view of you, so they're probably just homophobic anyway. Just do what you want to do and tell the others to fuck off. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  8. Femme

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2012
    Messages:
    223
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North East USA
    I feel exactly the same as you do. It stinks.
     
  9. Wildfyre

    Wildfyre Guest

    Urgh, I feel your pain. Any label apart from 'Human' is bullshit.
     
  10. Mogget

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2010
    Messages:
    2,397
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    New England
    Subcultures are weird things. Most of us could belong to far more of them than we end up belonging to. For example, I'm a Buddhist, mentally ill, queer, an amateur scholar, and a nerd. But in terms of communities, I identify most strongly with the mentally il and nerd communities. If all I know about someone is that he's a Harry Potter fan, I'll have a lot more to talk to with him than I will if all I know is that he's gay. There are other people for whom this would be the other way around. That's human, that's normal. It's nothing to worry about.
     
  11. Soleil

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2013
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sweden
    Gender:
    Female
    I can at times feel very frustrated by the human attachment to putting things in neat tidy boxes and deciding ahhh. .. yes. .. I found the right box to put it in, NOW I know all I need to know about it. We love this game . .. . pick a label, any label. This is Anya she is short, white, studying xyz, works for ABC, has 2 kids, drives a this or that. Basically, this exists anywhere we look so hi! I see you are a person who wants to be truly seen and truly see others as they ARE. I like that. ^_^ Glad to meet you!
     
  12. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,385
    Likes Received:
    162
    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You know that this is a problem in both the hetero and queer worlds.

    No one is simply viewed as a homo sapiens anymore.
     
  13. MrAllMonday

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2013
    Messages:
    770
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm not part of any community. No big deal. Just eat, sleep and have fun!
     
  14. photoguy93

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2012
    Messages:
    1,893
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Olaf
    I definitely don't feel like I fit in, either...in the traditional way, that is. I don't really care for Pride - I won't be hanging out in the community, it's just not my thing!

    However, you have to realize...this isn't how the world works. Yes, you are human, but I look at it differently. I mean, it is true. You are a lesbian. It just happens that you're a lot of other things, too.
     
  15. phoenix89

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,121
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Youngstown, Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am sorry Anya, I know you feel. I do not feel like I belong either because I am demisexual.

    Anya is who you are, being lesbian is just part of that. It is not the end all of all about who you are. There is so much more to who you are, embrace that. You are not just a lesbian, you are Anya.
     
  16. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    5,415
    Likes Received:
    387
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Your attitude is a good one, actually. You are a unique individual before you are a label. Many people pin their identities on their sexuality - that ranges from being in porn films to being realtors who work in gayborhoods and market heavily to a gay clientele to being stereotypically camp or butch in stereotypical occupations. If you're not comfortable with that, then you're not. Trust your gut. What you like to do between the sheets and who you like to do it with does not define you. In a workplace, you might hear talk about past employees. You might hear "We had Brad, and he was from Boston" and then you'll hear "We had Gil, and he was gay." Being a Bostonian defines one guy but being gay defines the other. While it may be true, it's so reductionist and just wrong. The reality, I think, is that there are more men and women who are GLB folks who are conventional and not stereotypical, but not easily accessed or identified, than there are on floats in Pride parades and cheering from the sidelines. Using a Pride parade to display performing or artistic talent, various athletic groups having a banner they walk behind, different religious groups having a banner they walk behind, entertainers, and such is what it should be about ... a pride in making a positive contribution and that you're just as good as anyone else, when a different message is what society sends out. When I once saw a float on TV with an effigy of a giant penis bouncing up and down, it was time to hit the remote, as in "off." Not on the city's main thoroughfare. I think that those invisible people don't feel like a part of the community either, except in having their sexual and affectional urges, and the struggles that go with that, in common.
     
    #16 Tightrope, Dec 27, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2013
  17. juliegt6

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2013
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MI
    I'm a lesbian, a computer programmer, a makeup artist, a rabid diy auto and motorcycle mechanic, a half Russian half German person who is more than any sentence can describe. Most people are like that! Yeah, I'm a lesbian, but unless it's relevant, it doesn't really come up.

    Being a lesbian is a facet of me, far from my defining characteristic. It sounds like that is how you view it. I'm a girl who likes girls.

    I'd be telling my friends that unless they are setting me up with someone or a situation involving a partner, introducing me as their lesbian friend is so not cool!

    The way I look at sites like empty closets is that they address my needs in regards to this one facet of my life. Just like jaguarforums and Audiworld address some of the car needs of myself. This is a nice site, please enjoy what you like and leave the rest!
     
  18. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,083
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    "This is Anya, she's lesbian" ... thats pretty rude of them.

    "This is Anya" is all that's needed
     
  19. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I think they were wrong to introduce you that way they should have just said this Anya and leave it at only you should decide to say if your lesbian or not .
    This is kinda of the reason i didn't come out because i don't want that label slapped on me all the time . I'm more than just a lesbian
    and what is up with people being upset with people for being a or looking like a stereotypical lesbian , don't they know that there are different types of lesbians out there some fit the stereotype some don't some are a bit of both can't people grow up and give this crap a rest .
    >.< and just let people be people
     
    #19 stocking, Dec 27, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2013
  20. greenshadow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2013
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think it's really inappropriate and rude for your friends to introduce you that way. I doubt they introduce themselves by including their own sexuality. I have kids your age and if they told me their friends were introducing them that way, (once the enraged mom rant stopped) I would tell my kids to talk to their friends and make them understand that it's not appropriate and hurts your feelings. Introducing someone by describing their sexuality is basically breaking a trust; you trust your friends to know more about you than total strangers, and by your friends giving out private information to people who are strangers to you, that trust is broken. It is your decision when and whether to tell people you meet about your sexuality, whatever it is. If your friends cannot respect that, then they don't respect you. If they don't respect you, they're not your friends.