I'm not an attractive guy and I've always known that. In spite of that, one of my New Year's resolutions for 2013 was to try and socialize more with gays, be more of a presence in the so-called 'gay world.' Before continuing I must say I've always been open about my sexuality to my family and friends. In fact, I don't remember ever coming out to them -- they've always knew I was gay and nobody had a problem with it. I've never suffered any sort of prejudice for being gay... until I first stepped my foot in the gay world. Then I discovered that people are judged ONLY based on their looks, and if you are not an Abercrombie & Fitch kinda of guy you WILL be treated as a second class type of person. Once I realized that, I decided to leave the gay world forever and simply accept the fact that I do not have what it takes to being gay. That was until last year, though, when I thought I was being a bit too radical. At the time, I heard for the first time about ******, and then ###### and ######, and I liked the idea of meeting guys online instead of going out for clubbing etc. I'm not much a flerting person, so the online thing is good to me. Worst thing I ever did. The guys on ****** and the other apps are absolutely beauty-focused, so I shouldn't be there. Then I decided to try, once again, the gay clubbing circuit, only to find out that I was not welcomed there due to my looks. Anyways, after spending an entire year trying to find someone who could be interested in me, and being turned down so many times, I concluded that I will never have anything with a guy because I was born gay and ugly. So I simply do not have what it takes to being gay. And as soon as I realized that -- and accepted that -- I will now have time to focus on other things in my life. If you also don't have what it takes to being gay, I suggest you stop trying to be gay and move on as well. Life is much more than that. One last note: I thing it's very hypocritical how gays complain about prejudice, especially when they claim to be victims of religious people. Gays are the most prejudicial people EVER, and in church you at least got accepted by what you are, and what you look like.
Now, I'm not a gay man, and so my opinion might not be relevant here, but I don't think there should be any "I don't have what it takes to be gay". I mean, it's not something you turn on and off, you either are or you're not. And there certainly are gay people who are not superficial and prejudiced (I don't go clubbing much, but really, most of the gay guys I have met have been anything but prejudiced). I'm sorry you've had such terrible experiences, but I'm sure that you will meet other people with whom you have more in common. You don't need to live up to the expectations of those people you met before, because of course, gay people can be as diverse as everyone else . I think it's always a good idea to focus on other things in life than romance, because obsessing over it usually gets you nowhere, but I hope you won't give up on it completely because of this. I'm sure you'll meet someone great when you least expect it
Clubs and apps are not the whole of the gay world by any means. There are LGBT meetup groups, general meetup and social groups that are LGBT friendly, social and political action groups that are LGBT friendly and LGBT friendly churches. Lots of options besides clubs and apps. I'd also suggest that you do some online searches for pictures of LGBT weddings or couples (there are tumblrs and such of these). You'll likely notice that most of the people in them are not underwear models. Speaking from experience, when I was just out of college my friends/boyfriend and I went to gay bars fairly often. While there were certainly some guys who were very good looking in the 'model' sense, most were not. And yet they mostly seemed to be having a good time and getting quite a bit of attention and 'action' regardless. Even here on EC there are a number of people who post about going on dates and finding BFs/GFs and such. Statistically speaking it seems unlikely they are all models either. Putting all this together, I'm not seeing a lot of evidence in support of your premise, I'm afraid. Please explain what you think I'm missing here. Todd
Being gay and ugly sucks and there's no point in keeping a gay lifestyle if you haven't got what is promordial to have in the gay world for anybody who wishes to be treated with a little bit of dignity. That's it.
Being gay is just biology. Everything else is social and cultural in nature. What you describe about clubs and the focus on an idealized masculine form only describes a subset of gay people. Personally, I think trying to be part of a group as arbitrary as sexuality is not the best idea. Even though I'm in the closet, all of my friends, gay and straight, I've met through shared interests or activities, not their orientation.
That's just a re-statement of your original premise, not a point by point defense of it or counter-argument to the points and examples that I provided. Please try again. Todd
Most gay people over here are not "conventionally beautiful", not even the celebrities (our most famous gay celebrity Jan Thomas looks like Donkey Kong of all things), and all of the ones I know about are in a relationship so that can happen. I think what you need to do is to stop focusing on those clubs and apps (which probably focus more on one night stands than relationships based on your description), stop blaming the sexuality, and instead look for places with more mature people out to create relationships, and also know that it takes a lot of work to start a good one to begin with no matter how conventionally beautiful you are. Sitting around and being bitter won't solve anything, so please don't try and push that bitterness onto everyone else by saying we all should give up and "go straight", instead we can try and help you but you need to be open to get help without insulting the entire LGBT community because of some picky club goers in return.
I understand where you are coming from. I do. I used to think the same way, so I was depressed for many years.... then magically I met two friends at work who were gay and totally average Joes, not models by any stretch, and after that I met a friend who introduced me to the world of "chasers" as he was a pretty skinny guy and was dating a 350lb guy... I simply was astonished because I come from a very superficial family where if you don't have the "looks" they'll remind you. It's taken me, many, many years to deprogram my mind of my family's ideas of "beauty", and unluckily society is the same way, very superficial. The stereotypical idea is that the gay community is very superficial, and that is simply not true. Just like any society, ours has a bit of everything. Just stay away from "hook up" sites and maybe even gay clubs and try to meet people in different ways.
Truth is I'd love to be beautiful and to experience what it feels like to enter a room and having everybody turning their heads to see me, having people treating well and wanting to be around me because of my looks. Not having that sucks, and I know in the real world it's the same, but in the gay world that is THE most imoportant thing and looks will certainly determine your status.
Having people around you because of your looks is not the same as having the right people with you. I fall into that category of "good-looking" (I can't write this without some embarrassment) and I have had my share of sexual encounters because of it, but I guarantee you that this is no ticket to relationship success. In fact, I think it has been a problem, because I never know if someone likes me for me, or for my looks. As I age, the looks are fading, what happens then? This is why I insist on being with guys who make an effort to know me beyond the surface, and if they still want to be with me, and if I still want to be with them, it will be because of deeper things. One last point, I like to mention this often. Google Serge Gainsbourg, the French singer from the sixties and seventies. The guy was not at all blessed with good looks, his ears stuck out like a chimpanzee...yet he dated and married some of the most beautiful women of that era. Whatever he lacked in looks he more than made up for in personality.
The gay guys who believe there are standards to being gay and if you don't have those these standards your not gay are pathetic and be who you are and being gay is only a small part of who you are.
Well, to be successfully gay, I'd assume it requires some skill in being able to know how to take a cock up the bum but I disgress. Being gay is what you're attracted to. Clubs? If you hate it, can't relate- forget it. Lot of gay male culture's centered around the club scene but it's not a requirement for being a gay man to be part of it. Got any good LGBT resources in the area? I'd start there. Maybe they've got clubs or socials somewhere, if you're looking for something a bit more relaxed.
I see a problem with the first sentence. "i'm not an attractive guy and i've always known that." If that is what you truly think then you need to change some things about yourself. Maybe your attitude, maybe your self confidence...maybe both. If you are not happy with the way you are, you should make it your first priority to change that fact alone. I am sure there are things you can do to make yourself feel more attractive, maybe going to the gym more or just having more confidence. My advice is to start with learning to make you someone you can love every day.
