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So confused..

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by mnlonely, Dec 28, 2013.

  1. mnlonely

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    This turned out really long.. not even sure what I am asking or saying.. just wanted to type I guess..

    I'm a 24 year old gay guy that has never had sex..has never had a boyfriend..has never even kissed anyone before. I have one close friend (girl) who I am out to..but no one else.

    I'm so confused..I feel like I want to be a girl sometimes. My thoughts as far as relationships go I feel like I am more like a girl than a guy. I want to take care of my partner when he is sick, I want to be cuddled like I am a girl, I want to be held or sit in his lap, his arm around me when we watch tv or are sleeping, etc...

    ..but I feel like I am a bad person for wanting this. Even knowing I've typed it out for someone to read I feel really embarrassed for wanting something like that..as well as really selfish. In my head I think, "no..if a guy wanted to be masculine and be the cuddler or dominant one he would be straight and with an actual girl where that type of behavior is expected". I feel ashamed of myself and lose hope.

    In that aspect I am truly jealous of girls. I know 100% that it isn't easy being a girl, but at least as far as relationships go..I truly admire how nice it would be. There wouldn't be any question (usually) about who is going to be held. The girl is! He is going to want to wrap his arms around you and tell you things are going to be ok. There isn't any question about who is going to be the top or the bottom. Proposals, approaches, etc.. the majority of the time will be done by the guy.

    I'm sad I'll never experience that. I'm trying to understand if I am gay or transgendered. When I was very little I would always dress up in my moms clothes. At one point my father got angry and shook me saying "Your not a girl, boys don't wear things like this".

    I was a very outgoing and flamboyant kid.. and then as time went on I became extremely quiet and shy. My personality is basically gone. What was once a funny, caring, outgoing, friendly child is now a boring, shy, bitter person. I have trouble making conversations with anyone now.. I've developed a social anxiety disorder and I can't look people in the eye.

    I see people in happy relationships and get extremely jealous. It eats away at me inside for some reason. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I am very envious of people who know what its like to love.

    I'm damaged beyond repair. I'm not feminine enough for the gay guys looking for that in a partner and I am not even close to being masculine enough for someone seeking a man. I feel like I try to mold myself to be more feminine or masculine depending on what the other persons interests are. I can't even tell you what the true me is..even I don't know.

    I'm extremely paranoid..when I read things like "fem guys are not attractive to me" or "only friend material, I want a masculine guy" I feel like I should be hiding myself or I start to question my want to be cuddled and held.

    I suppose I could at least give one definitive question for anyone brave enough to have actually read all of my pointless rant.. But are there guys out there that like to be more of the "man" in a gay relationship? I seem to be crushing on straight guys lately because I know they enjoy being the "man" at all times...

    And a backup question.. I am obviously oblivious to the way relationships work. I was in college for quite awhile and I would make eye contact with a guy and notice them looking at me a lot in class. I don't know what the rules are when it comes to showing interest in another person. I just assume they think I'm ugly or have a strange look on my face or something. How do you tell if someone is interested or gay?

    Thanks for listening..
    Minnesota Lonely
     
    #1 mnlonely, Dec 28, 2013
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  2. Simple Thoughts

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    Strangely enough I know exactly where you are coming from.

    I don't really have any kind of answers for you though. I'm really not much better off myself.

    I don't necessarily want to be a girl, but the thought rolls around in my head way more often than it probably does for others, and I often times find myself trapped in feminine thoughts. Not to mention my weird habit for always picking 'girl' on any video game that gave gender options.



    Anyways...to the stuff I can hopefully be more helpful with.

    1.) You aren't ugly. You just have a bad self-image. People perceive you most of the time by how you view yourself. If you see someone ugly in the mirror your body language will adjust accordingly and people will get an unappealing impression off you. You need to break this self-image, it's negative in soooo many ways.

    2.) Yes, there are gay men who want to always be top. There are also gay men who always want to be bottom. Then there are versatile men who can be either/or.

    3.) I've only had one gf and no bf's so I cannot help you with relationships. I can give you one piece of advice though. If you want someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first. Until you find that self-confidence and that sense of personal identity you'll have trouble in relationships.
     
  3. mnlonely

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    Tyvm for your response!

    I seem to do that as well.. in my younger days I was (and still am I guess..) part of a trio of guy friends. I always ended up creating a female character if there was an option for it while the other two created in-game versions of themselves. I guess I felt more comfortable and seemed to make the other two laugh a lot more when I was this "female".

    Even in games like Street Fighter I tend to go with the female choices like Sakura, Ibuki, and Cammy. I dunno why I am always drawn to them.

    Good advice. I'm not even sure who "me" is though.. Am I a feminine guy deep down or am I average? Is wanting to be the "girl" meaning I want to be an actual girl? If so I doubt I'll ever have that self confidence in a guys body.

    I know I am a strict bottom even though I have never had sex. The thought of topping has never appealed to me..ever. And for that I feel very selfish. I would never be able to keep the interest of a versatile guy and I very much doubt I would ever be able to satisfy a top. I'm sure there are a LOT of bottoms out there who are loads better than I could ever hope to be.

    I am envious of the fem guys in that regard as well..there is probably no question who is the top or bottom. Unless said otherwise I assume they are the "girls" in the relationship who get cuddled, held, etc..

    If someone is looking for a more feminine bottom..I doubt I'd be their first choice. If someone was looking for a manly man bottom, no to that as well. I'm just this weird pile of mush that tries and fails to be either one.
     
    #3 mnlonely, Dec 28, 2013
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  4. Kasey

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    I'm so in the same boat.

    It took me a while to figure out who I am. Gay straight is just a thing. Male and female are biological sexes for procreation. Gender is a social construct. You be how you want. Do soul searching. It takes time.

    As far as being "ugly" you need self confidence. That can be gained through trying new things and for improving what you are good at. Try to dress nice. That helps too.

    I get called handsome sometimes, but that ls when I'm dressed nice. I also happened to be cute as a girl :slight_smile:

    I had two girlfriends, one I lost to college distance, the other... well she cheated on me. Still hurt from that. Relationships are hard. Sex is easy for some as long as they don't care.

    I don't have enough experience in the gay arena, but not all gay guys want feminine partners.

    I try this with everyone.

    List three positive qualities or talents you offer the world.

    Go on, do it. I'll check back in.
     
  5. Simple Thoughts

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    I always picked the girl in the pokemon games from the moment it was an option. In my rpg's as well, and I was addicted to Tomb Raider when I was younger. I dunno why I'm that way really. Hell i watched lizzy McGuire and Power Puff Girls as a kid. Oh well, I'm either weird, feminine, or a girl and don't know it :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I never got into Street Fighter, but I always pick Sonya Blade in the Mortal kombat games.

    I cannot tell you who you are. No one can. You have to find that out for yourself. I'm always here to talk and you can even message me if you'd like. I'd be more than happy to give you a listening ear, and maybe if you just talk some things out you'll find out for yourself who you are.

    Again with the self-confidence thing. You don't have to be perfect in bed. Sex and relationships are two different things. They are inter-weaved together, but they're two different things. If you want to be bottom and cuddled find a guy who's okay with doing that. Trust me, there are plenty of people in the world, and you'll find someone who can care for you in exactly the way your heart desires. Don't let doubt, fear, and a bad self-image ruin you before you've even given it an honest shot :slight_smile:
     
  6. mnlonely

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    I want a masculine guy I guess. Is it weird I want to be more towards the girl side of the gender role? I feel so uncomfortable saying that.

    Thanks for the kind words.. :slight_smile: I don't dress up too much.. I try to be invisible as much as possible I guess.

    Lucky! That must be nice. I doubt I would look any good as a girl.

    Sorry to hear that.. I don't think I would like sex without care and love attached with it.

    I figured.. makes me nervous about my prospects of finding someone.

    I'm friendly.. but then again. Almost everyone is! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    Uhm.. I used to be able to make people laugh. I still can sometimes when I'm not paralyzed with the fear of judgment and ridicule.
    I like to give without asking for anything in return..I'm a loyal friend. Although I don't have very many.
     
  7. Estraven

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    Hi,
    I always go for being the guy in most stories.... but some girl characters appeal sometimes. I always felt that most people have a vulnerable side; even really macho men. I never really felt bad about identifying with the male characters, because I didn't realise there was anything queer about it. I didn't realise it was meant to be important. I felt I was just a person and people could be a lot of things, not just a try and fit themselves into a very small box with labels on that suit a very small number of people.

    It's probably more important to find things you like about yourself and in other people that you find you get on well with.
     
  8. Kasey

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    Well, I've always been lacking confidence. In college, my professors would tell me, 'You will go far, just have confidence in yourself". Easy to say, hard to do.

    Took me many years to realize life goes on, and that I need to be confident. I joined a karate club, made a LOT of life long friends, and I got my black belt. Branching out, especially among new people who are not judgemental because they "know you" is a wonderful way to start.

    I always questioned myself in terms of gender and sexuality since middle school. My parents shut it down. Only when I was more independent at college did I start acting a bit more feminine. Only very recently have I had the courage to go out into the world as a female, and start presenting myself as one to some people. It takes a LONG time to accept yourself, especially if you have been programmed in heteronormativity.

    Also I always pick the girl in games. I noticed you said Sakura from Street Fighter. Funny thing, I have her costume (Which I cosplayed for my first karate halloween party). Even my instructor who barely knew me then thought " I looked good as a girl".

    Point is, don't feel awkward. Find yourself, then worry about finding others. Finding love is a tough journey. The relationship is the destination.

    I was taught the 3 positive technique by a mentor of mine, and she told me that while its hard, it makes you see the brighter side. It makes you see what impact you have on the world.

    You are a self admitted joker and can make people laugh. Laughter is good for the soul, and an abdominal workout. Don't give up on that. Loyalty goes a long way. Trust me. Oh and not everyone is friendly.

    Now that you see those, tell me more. Are you good at art? Sports? Music? Are you a good cook? You have to be good at SOMETHING. Don't sell yourself short.

    (I can't figure out how to quote and separate tags... someone tell me, see you're better at something than me right there).
     
    #8 Kasey, Dec 28, 2013
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  9. mnlonely

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    lol

    I've kind of made a home on playing World of Warcraft..as sad as that is. I find it a place where I can be who I want to be and not be judged like I do in the real world. I even tried roleplaying servers. It always seems that if I roleplayed as a female character people would be much more interested in what I had to say and forgiving of mistakes.

    When I roleplayed gay male characters with other gay roleplayers it was the exact opposite. They got bored or don't care for what I had to say. Usually resulting in them going to find someone else that holds their attention better. I couldn't articulate a feminine guy and I wasn't a convincing "manly" man. I guess I just make a really lousy guy in general.. I hope thats not how it is in the real world..

    I hope so. My thoughts are so scrambled. I'm constantly wondering if what I say or think is "too girly". On the male characters I roleplayed that was a constant thing with me. Is what I am writing too girly? Do they want me to butch it up? What is it they are looking for? I feel like that translates quite well to my thoughts about real life as well.

    I had a long-distance relationship that eventually fizzled. He was really sweet early on and continued to be. But eventually sex started to become a frequent topic. I always figured sex was an important component to a relationship...and so many other bottoms out there could provide the flirtatiousness guys seem to look for and bottom better than I ever could. I just kind of give up hope that I'll be able to find someone and keep him interested.
    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  10. Simple Thoughts

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    Not everyone is friendly, it's a really good trait to have. Even feels rare anymore these days.

    That's good. Laughter is a very important thing to have in life, and if you can make people laugh you have something desirable to others :slight_smile:

    Loyalty, that's an exceptionally grand trait to have.


    You have plenty to offer the world, and I bet if you think about it you'd come up with even more things to like about yourself ^.^
     
  11. mnlonely

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    At the moment.. I don't like myself very much. I definitely need to get over it and move on.. but it's difficult. I've always felt really boring with nothing worthwhile to say. If being boring was somehow a trait people looked for in a relationship, I'd have had a ton by now..
    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Your avatar reminds me that I really need to see the new Hobbit movie! :grin:
     
  12. Simple Thoughts

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    Interesting...

    I'm not an expert or anything, but it sounds like you feel more comfortable and thrive better when you identify yourself as female. I have a similar experience myself in the Role Playing world. I sort of thrived better under a female identification of myself, and got more lack-luster results playing male xD

    I feel like I'm talking to myself today 0.o


    Sounds like you really just need to take a deep breath. Try to relax as much as you can, and when you feel calm just think about everything. Lay it all out on the table, then ask yourself who you are. Maybe you'll find your answer that way :slight_smile:

    Don't ever give up hope. There are billions of people in this world. If you keep looking you'll find someone who'll make you happy ^.^

    ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2013 at 12:37 PM ----------

    Yupp...I'm talking to myself today. Don't feel bad, you can join the boring people club with me. I just sit around all day watching Youtube videos anymore xD

    I so need to go see that movie too, I'm way behind on movies.
     
  13. mnlonely

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    I've always wanted to just..move away and start over somewhere. Delete my facebook account and just be out at the very start so I didn't have this fear of someone I already know being upset or rejecting me.

    Congrats on that! Awesome choice of character to cosplay as too. Your avatar reminds me of her...is that her? lol

    That must take a lot of courage. If I were to do something like that I would have been nervous about negative comments. It must help that you are really pretty as a girl. I think even straight people are more accepting of dressing up like a girl if you are more..believable. Bonus points if you make them question their sexuality! lol

    Going to be tough! Awkward is my middle name! ^_^

    Thanks. To tell the truth I really struggled to find 3 things. I feel like I don't have much to offer the world.

    My interests are pretty limited I guess. When I was really little I LOVED art and music. I was a great dancer (disco! as a 7 year old lol), etc. But my parents basically stamped it out of me. My father in particlar was always making remarks bashing gay people, making sure I didn't dress up in my moms clothes, etc. I felt ashamed and slowly grew away from it. I am now indifferent to art/music/and dancing.

    I do love computers, but that's kind of lame..and boring.

    I press the quote button and then copy the first [] part. Like [.QUOTE=Kasey;1814568] without the period. I paste it at the start of where I want the quote to begin and then close it with [/QUOTE.] without the period. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2013 at 11:47 AM ----------

    That's nice of you to say.. I had trouble coming up with them. I really don't think I could think of anymore.
    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2013 at 11:52 AM ----------

    When I roleplayed I actually wanted to be on a male toon. But the problem was when I would roleplay as a male I might as well have been on a girl character because of how girly he always seemed to be.

    Will do. :slight_smile:

    Hope so! I'd be awesome to actually know what it feels like to hold someones hand. Or how it feels to be cuddled.. or dare I say.. -kissed-!

    lol, I just finished watching some neat sloth videos. Sad life.
     
  14. Simple Thoughts

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    You could think of a million if you wanted. I can tell by the length and thought put into everything you've posted so far that you could be a writer if you wanted, and that's a talent :slight_smile:

    Yeah, I had the same problem. Just something that happens sometimes I guess...

    Haha! We'll have to promise to let each other know about it when it happens for us cause I'd love to find someone to hold hands with and kiss myself. It'd be nice :3

    Have you watched the videos about drunken monkeys? :slight_smile:
     
  15. Kasey

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    Facebook sucks.

    My avatar is Minako Arisato from Persona 3. If you go look at my album pictures, I'm in the process of making an Aigis costume (athough I'd like to make a convincing Minako, but the hair... thats the most difficult part about her). That is me, just without makeup. Take a look and see if you think I look at least possibly female. Well, I know I'm not quite at making people question their sexuality, but they definitely wonder if I'm female or not.

    I can't do the whole Sakura thing anymore, I'm not as "cut" as I used to be (I'm still quite fit but...), so I need to have some more coverage.

    Don't be ashamed. I used to just "like" music. I love it now. Go to concerts, listen to it all the time, bump it in my car loudly and proudly, everything. I'd love art, but I am artistically challenged.

    Are you away from home? Branch out. College is WONDERFUL for experimenting.

    And as far as computers go, technology is doing nothing but expanding. There are always tech jobs. Trust me. Even if its not "tech", you like art, and I assume might know a little bit of programming and such? Why not get into design?

    But no one can tell you what you like. I'm just trying to help tease it out and expose it to even yourself.(*hug*)
     
  16. Trooper

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    To be quite blunt, I think you need to work on your self esteem. You need to come to the realization that you are a GREAT and LOVABLE person who deserves to be loved for who you are, whether that is feminine/masculine, gay/straight, male/female. Knowing that you deserve love and can share it with someone else, is a major realization which I came to recently, and it has helped a lot with my self-esteem, to accept my sexuality, and eventually come out.

    Most of your "flaws" can be seen as self-induced. I see myself as having a mixture of masculine and feminine qualities. Others see me as more masculine, but occasionally I definitely get that feeling of wanting to be held by another guy. I did also try out women's clothing when I was very little for fun. Fortunately, I didn't receive the same negative response as you did, and grew up to feel comfortable as a man.

    I can't really relate to the transgender experience; a lot of other posters could help with that (and you yourself probably know best what you feel), but having feminine or passive qualities doesn't necessarily make you transgendered. Regarding shyness, I'm very attracted to shy boys. But you do need to open up on some level so that other guys can get in touch with you.

    I see myself mostly as a top (haven't tried bottoming but willing to try at some point if it feels right). It's true I wouldn't prefer an overly feminine bottom, but I definitely wouldn't feel confident enough to top a very masculine man, either. So in fact, there's nothing wrong with being somewhere in the middle. And if you would like to be more feminine, there's definitely nothing wrong with that either! You will surely find someone who loves you for you, and if you ever meet anyone who doesn't appreciate you for who you are, then he isn't worth your time. Besides, many of the guys who say they aren't into feminine guys, I would classify as being quite feminine themselves...

    But you've already taken a major step, you're even out to one person! Why don't you ask your friend to go socializing with you to a place where you might meet LGBT people? Of course, this requires that you've done some soul searching and feel ready for such a task.

    I hope things turn out well for you. EC has a ton of useful reading, I would advise you to check on some other threads to find useful tips by readers you can relate to.
     
  17. AKTodd

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    So, just to throw my perspective into the mix here...

    Hmm. Let me give you a little background on myself - I'm 5'11 (180cm), 220lbs(100kg). I work out regularly, am a pretty stockly/muscular guy and grew up in Alaska in an environment in which I've used some tools, fired some weapons, and raised animals which I later helped to skin and butcher before eating them. I did martial arts in college and reached a mid-range level such that I probably had learned half a dozen ways to kill someone with my bare hands and about the same number of ways to break bones, rupture organs, or put someone down with a severe case of self-pity. Based on what friends have said about my behavior, I gather I'm something of a Type A personality and that its possible I make people afraid I will physically hurt them if I get pissed off or even severely annoyed. My best friend once described my management style as 'do it my way or I'll kill you'. Don't know if all that counts as 'masculine' in your eyes or not. The point being...

    I love to cuddle, both holding someone and being held. Always have. About the only thing I probably like more is kissing. Refusing to cuddle or kiss is a deal breaker as far as I'm concerned. Virtually every guy I've dated or had a relationship with, including my current partner of 17yrs has been into cuddling. In fact, I have a hard time imagining any guy who wouldn't want to do this, although I suppose there are some out there, just on the basis of raw statistics.

    I take care of my partner when he's sick and he takes care of me when I am. We tend to do more holding hands or giving each other back or foot rubs while watching TV, but get in plenty of hugs throughout the day and spend a good chunk of each weekend morning just talking and cuddling in bed before starting the day. We don't actually sleep together (we both snore, he kicks in his sleep, I sprawl and take over the bed, we usually get up at very different times), but that's just because that works out well for us.

    The point being that there is nothing bad about cuddling and nothing to be ashamed of about wanting to do it. It's not even what I would consider all that feminine. In fact, in my experience, the more masculine and tough and 'take charge' a guy is, the more he will often like cuddling or being more receptive (or if you prefer 'submissive') in terms sex/romance simply because when you spend all the rest of your time being 'large and in charge' it can be incredibly relaxing and pleasurable to just lay back and let someone else 'drive' for a while. Assuming he can get past the nonsense that society pours into everyone's heads about what a 'proper' role is anyway.

    Also, enjoying cuddling (giving or receiving) has nothing to do with my orientation. I'm gay. I like sex with men. Women might as well not even exist as far as my libido is concerned and they also lack several parts that I am very attracted to (such as chest hair, beards, and penises.).

    You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about in liking or wanting any of the things you mention.

    You may be hurt (because someone seems to have taken a hammer to your self-esteem), but I don't think you are beyond repair. Nice thing about humans is that we can heal. I had a really not fun childhood. My dad sexually molested my sisters, emotionally abused my mom and I, defrauded a couple banks, raped his business partners granddaughter. My mom had some nervous breakdowns that put her in the hospital a few times. I was a severely messed up kid in many ways. But I got better. So can you:thumbsup:

    That all said, I don't count how masculine or feminine you are or aren't as being 'damage'. You are as you are and somewhere out there are guys who will find your particular mix of masculine and feminine 'just right' or even incredibly attractive. And if they don't...they aren't worth your time. I've fooled around, dated, and had relationships with guys who were very masculine and guys who had distinct feminine qualities. Whatever they were was just part of the overall 'package' that I was attracted to, not the be all/end all of who they were or why I liked them.

    As far as finding the true you...perhaps its time to start exploring yourself and finding (or building) the true you that you are happy being? Just a thought.

    I love Brussels sprouts. I hate guacamole. I mention these because they are statements of personal taste, really no different (and no more important) than somebody expressing a preference for fem or masculine traits. You probably wouldn't judge your worth as a person based on what foods you like nor should you judge your worth as a person based on how fem or masc you are or what activities you prefer to engage in with another consenting adult.

    Yes, there are guys like this. Almost any sort of 'type' or preference you can think of, there are probably guys like it out there. In reference to your later mention of being a dedicated bottom - there are plenty of guys who are dedicated tops and there's nothing selfish about being a dedicated bottom. If you're dealing with a dedicated top, then you are giving him pleasure by being a bottom with him. Also, there are lots of other activities besides anal that two guys can engage in and most can involve either mutually giving pleasure or trading off. Basically, you just kind of need to try different things and see what you enjoy.

    As far as being good at sex - no one is born being good at sex. It comes with practice. Mostly (in my experience) it comes from being willing to pay attention to what your partner likes and caring enough about their pleasure to then do what they like and also experiment a bit (while paying attention) with variations that might feel even better. If you notice that doing X to your guy makes him breath harder, or moan/grunt/gasp in pleasure, or start grinding or thrusting almost without being able to control it...you're probably doing something right and should consider doing it again/more (!) Good communication (talking to each other honestly and with mutual respect and desire to make the other feel good) is also a major component.

    Don't be afraid of not knowing what to do your first time(s). Everyone has been in the same boat, and if a guy is worth your time, he'll not only be happy to show you how to do stuff, he'll consider it an honor and also want to make sure that he's giving you as much pleasure as you're giving him.

    I very much doubt you're ugly. As far as telling if someone is gay...this question comes up here all the time. Truthfully the only surefire way is to either ask them or have them tell you. If you go to a gay bar or Pride event the odds are high, but not 100%. As far as if they are interested in you...flirting has never been something I've been really good at so will defer to others on that one.

    In any case, you are not a bad person and you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about, whether that is your orientation, your mix of masc and fem qualities, your preferred activities, or being happy and spontaneous and such. In fact, I'd suggest that you own these and be proud of them and work to rebuild any of the positive qualities that you say you've lost. If someone has worked to make you ashamed of these things and to lose them, then they are the sick and perverted thing and THEY should be ashamed of themselves. Not you.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  18. mnlonely

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    Thanks very much. I have my doubts about that based on how others received my roleplay. I always figured I was a literary dud... heh

    You'll have to let me know what thats like. I'm positive you'll experience that looooong before I do.

    I haven't seen the drunken monkeys lol!

    ---------- Post added 29th Dec 2013 at 05:57 AM ----------

    I don't use it often at all. I don't have many friends..but the ones I do are pretty close. I'd sooner delete it than let those people know I am gay.

    That's really cute! Kudos on the costume, I did a google search for Aigis and its strikingly similar! ^_^

    Also good searched for Minako and there was a person that was cosplaying as her. Dat hair looks like it took a really long time to make >_>

    My taste in music is awful, usually listen to weird things like street fighter songs..heh.

    This kind of makes me feel awful. I just graduated two weeks ago... All that time in college wasted being afraid and shutting myself in. I made like one friend..I was just paralyzed with fear the entire time.

    They say college is supposed to be the best time of your life..and I feel like I missed out on all of it. I didn't experiment or meet new people, date and make mistakes/learn from them. It was just this huge..blur. :frowning2:

    I'd love a tech job.. computers are extremely interesting to me. I graduated with an accounting degree though...in which I can't stand accounting. lol.. >_>

    Thanks for trying. :grin: I see you picked up the quote thing extremely quick!
     
    #18 mnlonely, Dec 29, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2013
  19. mnlonely

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    I agree. I'm really hard on myself for some reason..kind of tear myself down when I am alone. I have to get over the pity though..its just tough because I don't think I deserve to be loved.

    I think a big thing lately that has really hurt is my duo of friends that have hung out with me since the 5th grade have been..excluding me for some reason. One of them is back from the army so he seems to be a bit different. For example, on Halloween I'd text the army guy if he'd like to go out to the bars with me and his reply was "just wait till tomorrow night, I'm going out then" then the next night rolls around, I call him/text a few times and no reply.

    I'm not sure why they exclude me. When they talk about the ladies they have had sex with I get uncomfortable and almost jealous. Is that strange?

    I dunno how I got it into my head that feminine is bad. I suppose my dad being so vehlmently against crossdressing and gay persons that I repress it. It probably also doesn't help in my age bracket. It seems I get along with guys who are older than me when I end up actually talking with someone.

    Extremely shy. When I went out to the bars with friends I would basically be a wall flower, listening to everyone else and looking up a few times at guys I found cute. If they actually returned eye contact I'd blush and look at the floor again with a smirk on my face. I always figured that was a turn off.

    In right there is sort of where I feel selfish. You say you classify as top, but would like to try bottoming. I surly would try topping if I was with a partner that wanted to try being a bottom, but the idea doesn't excite me at all.

    I told a very close friend that I have known since high school. She lives in the same town as me and went to the same college. She's been busy lately with her boyfriend and job. When I told her she said she had no clue as I seemed and appeared completely straight. She did give me a hug when I started balling telling me it was ok and that didn't change her opinion of me.

    However, I can't shake the feeling that although she says its ok, she doesn't particularly mean it. Things are fine but when I start talking about guys the atmosphere starts to get..awkward. I have a feeling she is fine with me being gay..as long as I don't talk about guys?

    I'd be very interested meeting LGBT people in person. Maybe that would be extremely beneficial as my straight buddies seem to be neglecting me at the moment.

    Thanks very much for you response!
     
  20. mnlonely

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    Congrats on the partner of 17 years! Thats really sweet that such a rough and tumble guy would like cuddling and kissing. I always figured it was for sissies or something. My idea of most masculine guys was sex and then done...

    lol! The snoring thing sounds really cute for some reason. I'm still in shock that such a masculine guy would be into cuddling. Pleasantly surprised..maybe there is hope.. :slight_smile:

    As I read the description I got weak in the knees and wanted to melt. The description of masculine guy actually wanting to cuddle sends butterflies into my stomach. I have a fear in my thoughts that someone would say they want to cuddle and then take a look at me and their facial expression would change and they would change their mind about wanting to cuddle. My heart really yearns for someone that would actually want to cuddle with me without being asked and just..do it. I have my doubts that will ever happen, there are much cuter guys out there to snag up. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Dunno why I have it engrained in thoughts that cuddling isn't for gay guys. I remember watching a girl and a guy one night down at the bars. He was sitting on a brick wall which was short enough to where his feet could hit the ground. His legs were spread far apart so the girl who was standing could fit between them. They would have their hands together sometimes as she leaned into him laughing, other times he would grab her playfully and wrap his arms around her waist and pull her in close. Other times she would have his back to him as he held her close to him as they listened to their friends talk.

    It really made me sad. I wanted to be her. I don't know if I necessarily wanted to be a girl, but I wanted to be in the position she was in. Having someone to hold onto her must have been such a nice feeling, but I know the likelihood of that happening for me is next to zero.

    Sorry to hear all that, glad your doing alright now though..

    I figured if I was a special person worthy enough to be loved I'd have been approached at least one time somewhere in my life.

    I dunno who that is. Obviously if this is the true me I am screwed as no one has shown any interest yet..

    For some reason I have been given the impression that the gay community is really..vain/superficial. Finding a masc top that likes to cuddle would be rare? And certainly if there are any out there they aren't looking for an average looking shy guy. They'd be looking for a cute as a button bottom that is very outgoing.

    Thanks for the tips.. I'll keep those in mind if I ever get to use them..heh

    I'm guessing they were only being friendly. I still like to fantasize they were actually showing interest though.. heh

    Thanks for the insightful post Todd..
     
    #20 mnlonely, Dec 29, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2013