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Lost myself

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Lewis, Jan 1, 2014.

  1. Lewis

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    Wasn't sure where to post this because it is related to being gay, but not coming out. Let me explain the title.

    As a child I was a bright, bold, confident and creative person. I loved dressing up, putting on shows and making things (usually little spell books because I believed in magic - not sure if that's cute or weird). I wanted to be an actor; I made sure always to audition for the main parts in the school play/musical (which I often got), I went to a drama academy and it was all I thought about. I was one of those kids that was friends with everyone and liked to make people laugh. I (sick of the I's) always made up imaginary scenarios and in my head and generally just loved life.

    Cue high school. The bullying commenced! I use the term bullying loosely since I know people who have gone through much harsher cases than my own. Slowly my sexuality became evident. Am I gay? Am I bi? WHAT AM I? I began to change myself. Keep my head down and act how you would expect a straight person to act. Slowly but surely my personality was chipped away and I became emotionless. No more imagination, no more acting (because that's so gay!) and no more smiling. I became paranoid, anxious and cried myself to sleep at night. I was depressed and eventually dropped out of school.

    I am going to cut out a huge chunk and get to were I am now. A much better place. I no longer care what people think and live life the way I want to - but the lasting effects have never been lifted. I have severe social anxiety and still lack the confidence and passion for living that I once had. It pretty much restricts me from being able to do any of the things I want to; learning to drive, getting a job and meeting somebody to spend the rest of my life with. People think I'm being ignorant when I don't speak to them - I simply can't find the words to.

    How do I get the old me back? Now I'm out, surely there should be nothing to fear? I just want to be able to be myself (without alcohol!) and enjoy life again. On my death bed I don't want to think 'what a waste' - I want to know I made the most of life. I appreciate any posts...hopefully even from somebody that can relate. Sorry to be depressing on New Years day! :rolle:
     
  2. BookDragon

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    "Now I'm out, surely there should be nothing to fear?"

    Forgive the following outburst of uncontrollable laughter.

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Now that's out of my system I can be serious. See that sentence right there basically sums up your problem and vaguely alludes to the solution as well.

    In your own words "I was depressed". The thing about depression is that it builds up and it takes stuff from everywhere. Your sexuality may have been a huge factor and coming out might have helped, but that doesn't make depression go away. Brains don't work like that!

    You've just told us you were bullied and as a result watched yourself turn away from all the things you loved out of fear. Now you can't get them back.

    Depression is an absolute BASTARD to deal with. Get some help, go see your doctor about it. It's not quick or enjoyable but it WILL help.
     
  3. biggayguy

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    It sounds like you just need to give yourself permission to enjoy life again. Maybe you could get your diploma. That would build your confidence to go for other things like driving lessons. Maybe you could do community theater. Does that sound fun or scary?
     
  4. Lewis

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    When I said fear, I meant that there's no reason for me to hide away in fear. I no longer fear people finding out about my sexuality. In my personal situation there literally is nothing to fear - in general, maybe.
     
  5. Lewis, I can totally relate to you however I'm not even out yet. As a kid I was full of life, happy, had dreams and just generally happy. That all went to hell when I turned 12 or so, I started noticing that I actually liked guys more than girls. I fought really hard to be straight, had a gf and all that. By the time I was 14 I had no idea what I was anymore, I lost myself... turned to booze, lost the gf and pretty much my personality. By the age of 17 I was an alcoholic and dropped out of school and lost most of my friends except a few.

    Today at 25 its better for me, no longer drinking myself to death, have a decent social life but I still haven't gotten my personality back. I'm only mere shadow of my former self. Not that I have any useful tips for you since I'm still trying to figure it out. Just know that you're not the only one
     
  6. BookDragon

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    " I meant that there's no reason for me to hide away in fear."

    And yet here you are. I've spent most of my life hiding away from nothing, probably knowing full well I didn't really have anything to fear but knowing full well that knowing that wasn't enough to make me do anything. That seems to be where you are.
     
  7. myownuniverse

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    I am not exactly in the same place as you but not that far.
    I am pretty good at keeping things inside of me, so it eat me alive but it doesn't show.
    Anyway, I know we all want to enjoy life now that we understand who we are, and what we are suppose to do.

    But I came to realise that coming out is not only on others, it is on ourselves too, and for that process to be complete we need to give us time.

    I know that nobody knows what tomorrow would bring, but unfortunately we can't just go head first, without being completly ok with who we are.

    And now you also have to face others with who you are, it is like starting new, and so it is hard to make the first step and start a conversation with kind of a new personality, even if you knew who you are for quite a long time, it doesn't change the fact that we have to face the hole world. It is scary.

    I think your "old" personality is still there, you just have to wait and not push too much to make it come out again.
     
  8. resu

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    I can relate. When I was young, I was creative and loved doing arts and crafts things. I liked gardening, cooking, and had lots of girl friends. I was quite independent and my best friend (a boy) in elementary and high school was like me. I remember one time we used to do crochet on the bus.

    Actually, I never thought I was gay until middle school, which was a tough time. I, and my best friend, could see that being gay was "bad" because the only out boy was a kid who was quite flamboyant, even in the face of a lot of homophobia and ridicule from other students. Sadly, my friend moved far away in 8th grade, and I was quite lonely in high school even though I still had many friends.

    I remember slowly giving up a lot of my interests for fear people would suspect me, and I focused on "fine arts", things that were "respectable" and that men might do. I could never bring myself to date a girl, so I became withdrawn, especially in college when I was even more separated from long-time friends. One of the saddest things I remember is my mom asking me how I became so serious when I grew up, but I was afraid to tell her the truth. I often coped by having crushes on guys and saying to myself I would come out if they told me they liked me. Well, I was too scared, and nothing really happened (the only guy I actually contacted was most likely straight).

    I'm still in the process of getting comfortable externally with my orientation, but I would say the best thing for me was starting afresh in a new location far from my family and all the baggage of my hometown. Here, while I haven't come out, I at least feel safer that I know have some financial security and complete independence. I'm still a little nervous because everyone assumes I'm straight and I got sucked into in my local church's student activities, even though the church doesn't not approve gay sex.

    Maybe you should go out to see a play or musical. It might get you more interested.
     
  9. WhiteShadows

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    (*hug*)

    Maybe meet some other gay people? You could go to an LGBT group?
    I go to one and there are some guys who are just like your old self. If you met some of these people you would surely feel more comfortable with who you are :slight_smile: