I have never blogged myself before but have read some of Joe Kort's information and conversations. Here goes - I have been dating this guy for a year. We had an incredible connection, get along well and share common interests but a month into our relationship things begin to get complicated. Now let me put a disclaimer that I am a very open individual, not homophobic at all nor am I judgmental. I just need helping understanding what I am dealing with and whether I should give up or stay. I initially found a text on his phone (had a gut feeling) and at the time I was only focusing on texts from women. He was flirtatious with one even though he had professed his love and dedication to our relationship. Naturally I was hurt and upset but he told me how sorry he was and that he was "looking for attention". I won't bore you with every indiscretion that I discovered and the longer it went on, the more obsessed I became trying to discover the "truth". I discovered an email to another man making plans to meet in a park to have sex (which he states was only conversation and he wouldn't have acted on it).He stated he was not gay, danced around being bi-sexual and then admitted he again was "looking for attention". The more I discovered, the more I realized that he had been very involved in sexual relations with men when he lived in another state. He even tended bar at a gay / bi-sexual club and became involved in a gay rights parade or some form of activism. I found dozens upon dozens of responses to craigslist posts to men (and very few to women). He was involved in another relationship with a woman at this time. Despite me bringing this to his attention, he denied it - vehemently. He stated I was "creating drama", and it was I that needed therapy. He agreed to go to couples counseling and would cry stating he wanted our relationship to last, but never really explaining this behavior. In therapy I found out the extent (that he was willing to share - I am quite sure there is more) of his trauma history and upbringing. He had raging alcoholic parents, his step-father beat him and sexually molested his sister and cousin. He denies that his step-father molested him but does admit that he brought a friend's wife over to "de-virginize" my boyfriend - at age 11. I have always felt that as our relationship has become more intense (moving in together, intimacy, etc.) the more he acts out sexually, even though we have a very healthy sex life. I have discovered four pages of craigslist addresses on his phone, texts, emails, phone calls, web sites (mostly gay). I even talked to several of the men - at least two of which state they had sex with him. One of which states he was sleeping with my boyfriend until August of this year (7 months into our relationship). It came to a head and I couldn't take the constant investigating all the time. It took time and energy away from work, my kids and myself. He has not taken responsibility for his actions and in fact told me the other day (after I kicked him out) that I was "making things up", "delusional" and in "denial". I am a therapist so very familiar with defense mechanisms and my own issues. I gave him an ultimatum last night about going to a trauma / addictions specialized therapist, attending SAA, living apart for awhile and some other things. I also said (for the hundredth time) that if he was gay or struggling with his sexuality, I would help support him in any way that I could. He denies being gay adamantly and in fact has denied most of the sexual relations or indiscretions I have discovered. My friends (many of which are therapists themselves) do not feel that he is lying about loving me, that they do not see him as gay but feel as though his compulsive behaviors are deeply routed in early childhood trauma (of which I only provided a snippet). I love him with all my heart and am not sure what to do to help him (as well as myself). I would really appreciate any input that anyone has to offer about their own experiences, advice, etc. I know he is the only one that can answer whether he is straight or gay but I am at a loss of what to do to help
Ouch. This is tough for you. I have a few thoughts; One, there is a difference between being a gay person and being a person who engages in same-sex activity. To take an analogy, a woman who gets great orgasms from a vibrator has no illusions about falling in love with a vibrator and marrying it. Likewise , men who are emotionally straight (in the sense that they fall in love with women only) can still be capable of objectifying other people -- male or female -- for purely physical gratification. Second, based on his horrific traumatic history, it would not be hard to imagine that he has difficulty in attaching his sexuality to love. He might very well have a sex addiction problem. He may very well be angry and defensive with you as a way of not facing his own pain. That's what sex addicts use sex for: instead of alcohol or drugs, they use sex to medicate their pain so they don't have to feel it. And then the cycle of addiction kicks in: the trauma I have known hurts, so I will engage in unhealthy sexual behaviors to shield myself from the pain, but then I feel shame because of the behavior I just engaged in and that hurts, and I want that hurt to go away, but the only way I know how to make pain go away is to turn to sex, so I do it again and then it hurts again .....and on and on it goes. There are 12 step programs for sex addiction. I don't know if we are allowed to give web sites on these forums, but I can suggest that you do a google search for an organization called Sex Addicts Anonymous. I wish you well. I know it is hard.
I dont believe in sex addiction, to me it doesnt exist Its only a symptom of an underlying problem, a serious one. Im just curious, but how many times have you had sex with the guy, and would you say you actually enjoyed it? To me it sounds like you're either already emotionally invested or you're seriously sick of this bullshit, and I wouldnt be surprised, if I were finding out the so called bf was sleeping around regardless the gender, I would have beat him by now. As for the other stuff, you probably have the answers to your own question, if anything I think its important to be a friend first.
Hello kimpelina, and welcome to EC. (*hug*) After reading your post, I'd like to make a couple of observations and give some advice. It seems like you've gone to great lengths to assist him, and help him to come clean about his behavior and his actions. He is still in denial about much of it, which is no doubt, as I am sure you realize, likely a result of shame. You've been to counseling where he's given you accounts of some things that have happened in his childhood, and you know some things about his past. You've confirmed that he's been having sex with men while in a relationship with you. From what you've written his behavior seems to be compulsive, but it's impossible to know whether that is linked to early childhood trauma or whether it's linked to other factors surrounding his sexuality. He could simply be deeply in the closet, and unable to face the fact that he may be gay. However, as you said yourself, only he can tell you whether or not that's the case. Sadly, if he doesn't want to face it - you can't force him. Until he's ready to get help all you can do is leave the door open. All you can control in this situation is yourself. I believe you understand that this situation is toxic. You seem to have taken some very positive steps in asking him to move out, and I would encourage you to continue setting strong and firm boundaries. It's very important that you focus on your own emotional and mental health, and not get pulled into his dysfunction. I understand that you love him, and that you want to help him. This is not a bad thing, this speaks volumes of you as a person. However, it's important to be empathic and compassionate from a distance. The level of that distance depends entirely on the amount of space you need to prevent his problems from negatively impacting your life and circumstances. Only he can help himself, and only when he is ready. All you can do is hold the door open for him. Finally, although this may be a troubling thought, it's something that I feel I have to bring up. The fact of the matter is his behavior seems to be self-destructive, and someone in this mindset is less likely to use protection while having sex. He's had sex outside of your relationship through sites used by other people for casual sex, which means that they've likely had numerous sexual partners, and he has likely had numerous sexual partners as well. You've also been sexually active with him. Have you used protection every time you've had sex with him? I would encourage you to get a full STI screening just for your own peace of mind and health. Unfortunately, this is necessary to bring up as it may be something you haven't considered in the midst of the drama playing out. I hope this has proven helpful to you, and my heart certainly goes out to both of you in this situation.
