So I just finished up my temporary job that i've been doing for a year and a half now, and in the process fell in love with my boss. He's a 57 year old married man with 4 children. It never mattered to me, I've always been obsessed with him. I always looked forward to seeing him everyday just to converse with him about work stuff. He just simply made me happy (and he was obviously so attractive in my mind). He always made me nervous (kind of in a good way) and I always was out to impress him (why I thought I was in love). I had no personal relationship with him outside of work (obviously, he's 35 years older than me and straight), but I seriously felt in love. I know it's bizarre and you may say just let it go, but it's almost as if I don't want to. I don't want to forget about him. Now I'm done working for him and know I'll pretty much never see him again. My last day was yesterday and I cried for an hour the moment I left the office. Now I'm just really sad and don't know how to move on. Some of you may have read my first thread, but I'm solely attracted to middle aged men at least 50 years of age (no joke, don't even bother suggesting trying to date men my age, I feel nothing towards them). As if this isn't difficult already, I've found a sort of love that I never thought I would, with my boss who is happily married. This is so goddamn depressing. It makes me wonder if I could ever find someone like him again, who isn't settled in with his life (who wouldn't be at 50 years of age?) and if a relationship with such an age difference could ever work (I don't think it would). Not only do I have those problems, but I personally can't accept myself. How can I confidently be with a man my dad's age in public? I've always been so self-conscious of dumb things my entire life just to be as socially acceptable as possible. At this point I don't have a lot of hope and really think about suicide on a daily basis. I don't see happiness in the future with my fucked up mind. I'd appreciate any advice.
Hello, Jimbo23. Your sadness is quite evident, and I'm sure things seem hopeless right now, but harming yourself is not the solution. Would you be able to talk some more about not being able to accept yourself? It sounds like there are several things you are struggling with, and perhaps discussing them one by one (kind of like untangling a yarn) might help.
Sure Aquaman. I certainly have accepted the fact that I'm gay, and attracted to older men, and understand that quality of mine will never change. I have come out to may family, who have been nothing but supportive, but they don't know I'm attracted to older men. I think the whole attraction to middle-aged men is what I truly struggle with. I've accepted it, but I don't want to embrace it. I think it's one thing to be confidently gay and dating someone your age, but I don't think I'll ever confidently date men 30-40 years older than me. There's no compatibility, we are from different generations. Plus, I'm very submissive, so I think any sexual interactions with older men will be a very degrading experience (although I've never tried). Thus, I'm not really into experimenting with dating. Even though my family has been so accepting, I can't imagine bringing home a boyfriend who is as old as my dad. I want my brothers to like him, just like I like their girlfriends. But if he's way older than me, that's just really weird in my mind. I think in this society, different sexualities are becoming much more accepted in general, but the ageism aspect is still looked down upon. Hell, I would think it's fucked up if I saw one of my friends dating a 50 year old women. t's just really fucked up and I think this problem is very unique compared to most closeted gays. As I grew up, I was always a worrier and very anxious. I would worry about what others thought of my clothes that day, my haircut, etc. Really dumb fucking things. I managed to have a pretty normal high school life (obviously closeted), but once I wen to college, I knew things would have to change. That's when I spiraled into a depression and came out to my family. After coming out, I just was numb and tried to ignore the fact that I'm gay. But once I took some school off to work this job, it's like everything changed when I met my boss. I loved him the moment I met him. To actually feel something towards someone like that was very new to me. And it made me think, I'll never find anyone who isn't settled in with their life at that age. Now that he's out of my life, the depression has amplified for sure. I'm just trying to hide it from my parents until I go back to college, where I see myself being a complete loner. Appreciate the response aquaman
Not trying to be insensitive, but have you tried socializing with gay men closer to your age? Not dating necessarily, just meeting new people. That way, if you fall for someone, your problem will be solved, and if not, you won't be any worse off than you were before. You might even make some good friends. Have you thought about the reason for your exclusive attraction toward middle aged men? Is it purely because of their physical appearance (in which case you could find slightly younger guys who look older than their age), or do they make you feel safe (younger guys could do this as well), or is it because of their maturity (there are younger mature guys out there)? Also, what is it that you seek in a relationship? You said you're not interested in dating, does this mean you're mostly interested in the sexual aspect (I just want you to elaborate on how you feel about this)? I'm sure you could find an older man who's interested in a sexual relationship with a young piece of meat, but anything deeper than that would be difficult to achieve.
Trooper, I haven't really attempted to meet other gay men. I'm still closeted to all of my friends and just don't have an interest in doing so. As far as my attraction is concerned, it's definitely based off of physical appearance. I can't even explain how it works, it's quite strange, but it has always been that way. I'm not sure if "interested" in dating was the right word. I guess I'm just scared and therefore uninterested. I'm just really depressed because I guess I do want to have a normal relationship someday, but I can't even embrace who I am. I don't think I'll ever get past the stage of self-acceptance. I guess that's why I don't try socializing with other gay men. Plus, I fulfilling relationship doesn't seem possible with older men.
Hi Jimbo23. I'm sorry I couldn't get back to your earlier. I have limited access to a computer right now. You mention that you have accepted yourself as a gay man. I hope you can see what a big deal that is, and as a starting point, it gives you a great advantage. You have also talked to your family, and you have their support... that's another HUGE thing in your favor. For many, those two things are almost impossible hurdles, and look at you... you are already past them, and quite successfully, so yay for you! Now, about your specific preference, to be frank, I can see why you are struggling so much with it; that's a tough one! But rather than fighting it, you can try to dig and figure out WHY you feel that way towards much older guys. Perhaps having a better understanding of the why, will help you either fully embrace it or leave it altogether, but more important, help you stop the thoughts of harming yourself. Other people's opinions. If you were worried about that when you were younger, that makes you the most normal person in the world. What teenager does not worry about what everyone thinks? Even the tiniest things seem mortifying and like they are the end of the world. Now that you are a bit older, you have grown out of that. Everyone worries about that at one time or another; as long as it doesnt become the driving force in your life, there is absolutely wrong with you. Back to the main issue, a 30-40 year age difference is quite a lot, and conflicts are for sure going to be a constant in a relationship like that, not only for the things you mentioned (compatibility, generational difference, family, intimacy, etc) but it must also be hard for the older guy. But as I said before, you can try to manage your emotions better if you have a better understanding of them. Taking your boss as an example, would you be able to share what are the things that make you like him so much? Kind of like making a list of everything in him that caught your attention? In the meantime, lots of positive energy coming your way!
Aquaman, I appreciate all of your advice, but I really don't know how to approach understanding why I have my attractions. I've always had my father throughout my entire life so I wouldn't attribute it to anything like that. I've always felt something toward my teachers ever since like 6th grade, and it hasn't changed ever since. I have a very submissive fetish when it comes to sexual activities (wrestling, dominated, controlled,etc.) but never really knew why. I suppose I'm a very scrawny kid, which could contribute to those feelings. Perhaps someone of with same preferences can help explain that, but as far as a preference for older men, I really have no idea. Concerning my boss, for one, he is very attractive to me. Short and stout, muscular, relatively hairy, but also just very good-looking in general (facial qualities, smile, hair), regardless of my weird fetishes. He is unbelievably smart, and a typical role model for me. He studied the same major as I am now and he is a professor outside of his work at this particular job. Thus, he was always a great mentor to me, always showing me the ropes and open to all of my questions. Just a very genuine and approachable man. Not only that, but has a great personality. Very friendly and funny at the same time. Everyone around the office loves him for his personality but also for his incredible work ethic. I guess I respect him a lot as a professional role model, but I think his general personality and his people skills are what I really loved about him (and of course very ideal for my physical preferences). So a combination of multiple aspects really made him seem larger than life to me. I'm really struggling with moving on from him. If I had the choice, I would have stayed at that job as long as possible, just to see him everyday. I don't know how i'll get over him (which is fucked up to say cause I had now personal relationship with him outside of work, hence why I kept this "love" to myself). I guess I just legitimately miss him. I suppose only time will help me out with that. ---------- Post added 5th Jan 2014 at 12:12 PM ---------- I had no* personal relationship with him outside of work
Finally home! I'm sorry for the delayed response, Jimbo23. I'd like to point out a couple of things that quickly jumped at me on your last reply, and I am saying this from an outside perspective, so, please, please forgive me if it comes off as patronizing, ok? You are certainly head over heels for this guy; your description of him is enough evidence of that. Aside from his looks, and his overall personality (people skills, friendliness, sense of humor) the qualities that you were most emphatic with, were those regarding his intellect and mental maturity. You mention he is super-smart, has the same major as yours, he is a professor, with a great work ethic, professionally respectable, and you see him as a role model. You also said that as a kid you noticed your teachers a lot. So this is my perception: A mentally mature guy, intellectual (not just smart, but "diploma in hand" intellectual), who has his act together, with a defined and successful career, stable, responsible, and someone who offers a lot to learn from; in all, someone to look up to. Let's be realistic, these qualities can't be used to describe an 18 year old, a 25 year old, or even a 30 year old and beyond in some cases. These are words that usually describe someone who is probably in his mid-30s and above. Anyone at any age can be physically attractive and a nice person, but the intellectual and mental traits above to the degree you talk so passionately about, are very specific to an age group. What are your thoughts on this paragraph alone? Now, for all I know, I could be just projecting, because I do have very similar preferences on that front. Making a long story short, about 5 years ago I had this crazy crush on this guy who works in the same building I do, and all stemmed from the fact that he is exceptionally brilliant, and I mean genius level. I can tell you more about it if it helps. I'm sure it is hard on you not being able to see and interact with your boss anymore. Having to quit cold-turkey is never easy, but at the same time it is the best thing in the long run; you just have to give yourself time. Allow yourself to go through all the phases of this "separation." Cry if you need to, be in denial if you have to, be angry if you must, just run with it to speed things along. YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT. Funny that you quickly mentioned having your dad with you your entire life. I was almost sure someone was going to say something insensitive in that regard. I'm glad you know this has nothing to do with your situation. Hope to hear from you soon, and again, sorry for the late reply.
Aquaman, don't feel bad about the delayed response, I don't expect anyone to be refreshing their page constantly for me. Your responses regardless are much appreciated. You make a good point about the intellect and mental maturity. I'm not sure if that explains the whole deal, but it does make sense. I'd like to add that my attractions to my teachers early on in my life really had nothing to do with their maturity (unless of course it was a subconscious thing, I never really thought of it that way), but were just based off of physical attraction. I have a general attraction to a lot of "coaches" I guess (nick saban is at the top of the list for example). Maybe another clue? or maybe they just consistently fit my physical desires (typically middle aged men with athletic background). I also find a lot of my friend's fathers attractive as well. Perhaps it is a subconscious need for someone stable and self-sufficient? Who knows. I still will never understand the specific physical characteristics I see in attractive men regardless of a potential subconscious desire for mentally mature men. I'm very picky when it comes to things like that (maybe that's normal?). There could certainly be some very successful 30-40 year old men in the world, but I can't feel anything for them based off of physical characteristics. I swear to god, I haven't masturbated to an image of man under the age of 50 in my entire life (fucking weird huh?). I'm not sure if any of these questions are answerable, just kind of rambling. Thanks for all your help aqua man. ---------- Post added 5th Jan 2014 at 05:35 PM ---------- Also Aquaman, I would like to hear a little bit more about your crush at work. Was he even gay? If not was it a depressing scenario for yourself, having feelings towards someone you know you can't have?
I'm sorry, but Nick Saban cannot hold a candle to Urban Meyer I just had to say that, don't be mad. LOL.
Lol urban Meyer is certainly on my list of attractive, but he doesn't compete with mr. Saban. Like I said, I have some pretty bizarre preferences/fetishes.
Oh, pretty much all of my crushes have been towards someone I cannot have. I brought this guy up particularly because my crush on him was somewhat similar to what you described with your boss. I met this guy at work about 5 years ago. He is an Executive Vice President of IT and for some random reason he ended up in my office helping me one day that the network crashed. Not even 30 minutes into working with him, I fell inevitably in love with this guy; as I said before, he is absolutely brilliant, and the way he managed himself during that "network crisis" was unbe-freaking-lievable. He is about 8 years older than I am. I quickly found out he was straight and married (story of my life) , which was heartbreaking, of course, but I just could not stop thinking about him. Physically he is an average guy (I realize now) but in my eyes he was just perfect. And people's opinion of him just fueled my feelings for him... there was no one in the entire building who had something bad to say about him. I was in HELL! For the best part of the next year I could not stop thinking and fantasizing about this guy, who I could only say "hello" to once in a blue moon when we came across each other in an elevator or a hall. One time I even sent him an email (corporate email) saying something like "you should come upstairs and say hi one of these days." Jesus H Christ, I don't know what I was thinking... how dare I talk like that to an executive VP? he just replied "haha!" Anyway, about a year had passed, and I saw him coming into the building, so I said "good morning xxxxxx" he nodded and smiled, and then a few seconds later he said "I'm sorry, what's your name again?" My heart sank, I felt sick, and I wanted to drop dead! And that was the beginning of my falling out of love with him. Don't get me wrong, even now, I still get a little nervous when I see him, but now I dont find him attractive any longer. His intellect, though is undeniable, and I think that's why I still notice him. I was more attracted to the IDEA of him than to the guy himself. Besides him, I have had other 3 big crushes in my life. One with my best friend at the time, but he is 150% straight and with a family. One with another close friend, who I thought was bi (but turned out he wasn't and I found out the hard way) and it was during this crush that I reached a very low point emotionally, depressed, and feeling completely lost. And one other crush with a guy from college, who was indeed gay, but he turned me down, but at that point I was able to manage my emotions a lot better. The most recent was this guy from work I talked about before. Everyone -gay people and straight- go through things like this. It is not exclusive to one group. What is important is to learn from those experiences and be better prepared for next time.
Wow that story with your coworker is pretty relatable to my story. It does make me feel better knowing others go through this kind of pain. I think it will certainly take some time for me to get over my boss just because I was really close with him and worked with him on a day to day basis. It's just really hard for me to let go. Part of me just doesn't want to get over him. I feel like I owe it to him to keep him in my thoughts cause of how good he's been to me as a mentor (feel really fucked up saying that, but I guess that's the only way to describe it). Not to mention this is the first time I've ever had a crush of any sort. This time in my life was inevitable as it was only a temporary job, but I wasn't prepared for it. I still have the issue having hope that someone is out there for me with this age difference. I guess I'll just have to wait it out and hope something comes to me. For now, I guess I'll be alone.
You are definitely not alone in this. Many, many people go through things that feel just as bad as what you are going through, and even worse. Here's an idea, I don't know how likely it is for you to do something like this... Now that your job there is done, maybe you could send a very professional letter or e-mail to him thanking him for the opportunity to work for the business and explaining that you learned a great deal working with him, and you will apply all those things to your career going forward, that you considered him a mentor and a friend, that you admired his work ethic, and hope you get to work again with him one day in the future. Include your contact information (phone number, e-mail, etc) This could serve a double purpose: You never know when the business might offer a permanent opportunity, or you might need a recommendation letter or something like that. It will look very classy of you to send something like that. At the same time, you leave a tiny window open, who knows? maybe he will reply back, or call you back, or email you back, if anything just to say hi or thank you. The point is that a channel would be left open. Does that make sense?
Absolutely. I was planning on writing this email tomorrow anyway. He is in fact writing me a recommendation for a scholarship this week. But i like your suggestions regarding the wording of the email. I was putting a lot of thought into how I would word that email without sounding like a homo lol. Thanks a lot for the advice. Really appreciated.
Aqua man, I sent a very nice email thanking him for the opportunity and so and so. He never responded... Not really sure if it was necessary to respond but l think he could've said Something about my performance at work and wishing me luck...but nothing. Kind of pissed me off ---------- Post added 9th Jan 2014 at 06:10 PM ---------- Pissed off May be the wrong word. It more so saddened me. Made me think he doesn't really care about me or what I contributed to the company. I know I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help it, as I have feelings for him.
