Am I Biphobic and if so help me not to be

Both gay men and bisexual men can be part of "normal society" if they really want to... to do this, one has to flat-out lie about who is is and the other has to omit and allow himself to be assumed heterosexual if not with a male, keep his mouth shut on his true feelings no matter what people say or do, and fear who he winds up loving in the end.

Oh, and don't forget the feelings of others bisexuals face: cheap, slutty, undecided, unfaithful, can't stay monogamous, always craves the gender they're not with, doing it for attention, something hot to ogle because if one woman is good then two is better, creepy and shouldn't hug me anymore, probably has a secret crush on me how weird, doesn't understand what it's like to face prejudice, can pretend to be normal and then everything is magically okay, is gross because she's had a penis inside her, etc.

They can omit and avoid having it directed at them personally, but they'll still hear it and know that people are talking about people like them. On the outside they're normal, but on the inside they're gross, confused, attention-whoring, oversexed, and untrustworthy. That's what the society they've chosen thinks of the real them, and they know the alternative, while much better, still has quite a few low blows to deliver.

Trust me, we understand how it feels to face prejudice and not be able to get away from it. If we have a same-sex relationship with someone we adore we do so knowing that it won't be easy and the only solution (I use that term loosely) is to hide the truth. Hiding the truth is hiding the truth whether you're bisexual or homosexual, and whether you're refusing to date, dating in secret, dating the gender you don't want to date, or avoiding dating one of the genders you want to date for fear of repercussion. Leaving behind someone you want to be with to seek a more socially acceptable partner is about as much of a solution as a sham wedding to divert suspicion.

 

By the sounds of things you've just got a whole crapload of bad information and experience with a handful of PEOPLE you don't get on with. I emphasise people, because their sexuality really doesn't make a difference and I'll explain why in a moment.

So I'll start by addressing this sentence, because as best I can tell every single part of it is wrong:

"they get to be somewhat part of normal society, they get to choose whom they fall in love with and the repercussions of the homophobic society we live in aren't really an issue unless they find themselves in a situation where they want to marry a man"

There are two things that strike me as odd here. Firstly, as a guy in the closet you are also living in part of normal society. Fair enough, you don't want to be in there and when you're not you won't be, but at the moment you are closeted, in other words still 'pretending to be straight', which you may notice is an argument that COULD be made for any bisexual person with someone of the opposite sex. The problem with that argument is that it's completely wrong. Bisexual people don't (usually) date people of the opposite sex because it's more convenient! They do it because that's who they fall for. Which leads to the second part of that sentence which I know to be wrong. They get to CHOOSE whom they fall in love with. No they don't, you know that. Half the problem with coming out is waiting for that one person to tell you being gay is a choice. Why should it be different with bisexual people?

Moving away from that and on to the 'bisexuals treat men as sex objects'. Now you justify this by saying that some men are attracted physically to men but couldn't see themselves in a relationship with them. Now fair enough, YOU PERSONALLY see casual sex with a partner you're not going to be in a relationship as something you wouldn't want, and that's fine. But that doesn't mean everyone else has to. Personally, I agree, I don't think I could ever just have sex with a person for the hell of it, but it shouldn't make me think that someone who could is bad! Some people like sex, good for them. But more importantly, what does it matter if they can't see themselves with a guy?

"it feels like some bisexual men can just have fun, pump it and dump it, and everything is okay"

This is true for everyone. There are plenty of gay men who can do exactly the same thing. Plenty of straight people too. Why should bisexual people be any different?


You've correctly identified the issue here. Basically you appear to just dislike bisexuals because they have the chance to be considered straight. That seems to be the bulk of the argument, is that through a whole load of disinformation, you've just found yourself on the unfortunate side of the fence where someone who might 'get away with it' and not experience the things you are scared of experiencing when you come out is somehow getting an easy ride.

Unfortunately for you, the only way to stop that is to do what I've done in this post. Go through the things you've said and rip them apart. Show yourself as you've started to do, just how wrong some of the things your brain is coming up with are. Remind yourself that actually, it isn't a choice, you fall for who you fall for, and just because a bisexual person might end up with someone of the opposite sex, doesn't make them bad!

 

You're not alone in that, and often the things that so irritate you in bisexual people stem from that same source. I won't try to claim that bisexuals are somehow all poor misunderstood angels of purity and faithfulness, but quite often the things we say are interpreted using a double standard: people are immediately jumping to the most unappealing motive possible, the way they wouldn't even think about when a gay guy says or does the exact same thing.

For instance, "Can't imagine myself romantically with someone of the same sex" isn't really a problem unique to bisexuals, you'd find dozens of threads like that from people that are most likely 120% double gold star gay right here on this forum. And it's usually not a result of some secret desire to indulge oneself, it's partly the fact that they never saw any such thing anywhere, not in reality, not on TV (not its positive portrayals, anyway) and partly from it being the easiest part of one's attraction to be in denial about.

They can choose a "normal life..." Well... Yes, by not coming out to their girlfriends/wives, assiduously concealing any signs of same-sex attraction and generally being in the closet they can. The only real difference with a gay man in the same situation would be somewhat better sex life. (And, while we're at it, gay guys don't need to think about coming out to their boyfriends and facing the risk of rejection...) Is such a life worth it? Probably, for some, but I honestly can't imagine myself tolerating it for any length of time.

"I only date straight acting men.." OK, I'm biased as all heck on this one, but if that's someone's honest preference, so be it. But when I hear it, I never can quite shake that image of a guy so deeply in his closet the mere thought of being seen with an "obviously gay" guy on a street sends them into heart attack and a further commitment to "look normal." But is this something unique to bi men? Hardly. Heck, I suspect that sometime after Adam and Steve discovered the joy of gay love, their first quarrel was about who was the "flaming queen" and who was "aping those straight people" and their spiritual descendants argued over it ever since.

 

There are bi guys who are looking to quickly get off and don't discriminate based on the gender of the other person; they're just happy with whoever comes along.
There are bi guys whose preference goes back and forth periodically.
There are bi guys who lean one way or the other in general.
There are gay guys who say they're bi because they're afraid or unsure about being gay.

Other than the guys who just want to "hit it and quit it," all those guys are perfectly dateable to me (and yes I'm biased).

I haven't dated a guy yet, but I've been in a serious relationship with a girl who knew I was bi and had no problem with it. She knew I was with her because I loved her and wanted to be with her. She wasn't a beard and she wasn't a test subject, and she knew that. She knew I wasn't going to cheat on her or instantly dump her for a guy as soon as the chance came along. I didn't admit this, but I'm sure she assumed (correctly) that when I had some "time to myself" I wasn't always looking at straight porn. Incidentally, we're broken up but have remained best friends and she's been one of my closest confidantes as I've gone through the coming-out process.

That's my story. Hope it helps a bit. Feel free to post here or on my wall if you want to talk more.

 

I think bi people get discriminated against i have dealt with it first had when i use to label my sexual when I actually was not . Most straight men thought i was a slut , most lesbians did not want any thing to do with me i even got ditch on the spot by a lesbian that wanted to dated because i said i was bi . I really feel bad for bisexual people because even if it looks like they can fit in with the society they are on the outs .

 

I've found bisexuality to be somewhat of a complicated orientation. It's not difficult in the sense that it's impossible to live a peaceful life, it's complicated in that...I feel invisible most of the time.

Before I get into anything serious, I have to start out by saying that there are all types of people out there. See, when you're talking about gay/bi men, keep in mind that you're talking about men. Men are naturally promiscuous. Not all of them, of course, but a good chuck of being male is having a strong sex drive, so naturally there are going to be all type of men out there with all types of sex drives.

But back to what I was saying, being bi sometimes makes me feel like a single entity. I feel like I have to come out all the time. With every potential partner I meet I have to have "the talk." I'm out, but I'[m not exactly walking around waving a flag, so I pretty much have to have that conversation all the time and deal with that same "oh..." reaction. It gets pretty annoying, but I guess that's how it goes, and that's okay, but your description of bisexuality sounds like a big wet dream. It just doesn't work that way. For some, yes, they're able to flip flop whenever they want, but for other people out there, it's not so easy.

And I'm with you there, whenever I hear that line "I like men sexually, but don't wanna be with one or kiss one" turns me off terribly. These type of men that do it for the sole sexual gratification of it I try to stay away from. I'm just not into it and into the idea of being used like that, but of course if that's what you're into...that's okay to. No judgement.

And lastly, you shouldn't be insecure. You are normal. There's nothing abnormal about you. Your sexuality isn't something that defines you and you shouldn't let it define you. There's more to life than being gay or straight. It's not easy, and I'm not going to pretend that it is, but a general sense, in a "this is life" kind of way, just because it's something that people don't understand don't mean that you're a freak. It means that you're different, but not that different. Regardless of who you are or how you define yourself, people are ALWAYS going to talk, so why not give them something to talk about? You're okay in my book. Cheers.

 

Bisexuals do Not get to choose who they date or fall for, and they Can't just act straight either...... !

Just because I like some men does not mean I like straight men, as they are too macho for me! So I usually fancy bisexual men.... Who don't want a committed relationship with a girl!

Every person I fancy has to have a blend of traits which are masculine and feminine...

 

Yeah, bisexuals definitely don't choose who they are in love with, I know that from first hand experience. I fell in love with an impossible relationship and I wish I could just squash those feelings but I can't. Emotions aren't wishey washey just because you are attracted to more than one sex.

 

Why are you asking us the question when you could just research your way out of this prejudice?

I'm only asking because generally speaking, when people make threads called "help me work through prejudice X" they just want to argue with everybody and rehearse their prejudice and get validation for it rather than actually work through it.

Maybe you're the magic one (and only one) who really means it?

 

I disagree with your assessment, but not with your observation.

I believe the reason people do this is because they honestly want to get rid of their prejudice, however, like anything else that's been stuck in your head for long enough it isn't easy as 'Oh I was wrong, oh well moving on' sometimes people need to have that debate and battle because it lets them walk themselves out of the prejudice in a weird kind of way.

 

What you are doing is throwing all bisexual men into one generalization and saying "They're all the same! They all want to use me for sex!" When that is absolutely not true. I think you're actually feeling a bit jealous because you wish you had the option to live a "normal" existence, which you feel Bisexual men can lead since they can be with a woman. But bisexuals deal with the same discrimination and hatred that you do. You need to step back and remember that a bisexual person cannot help the fact that they are bisexual (just like you can't help that you are gay). You should also keep in mind that a bisexual man doesn't automatically prefer women. Many bisexual guys actually prefer men or are 50 50 in their preference. Many fall in love with guys just as easily as they fall in love with women.

 

qft

 

I have never seen that happen a single time. I have tried to entertain some of EC's most frustratingly biphobic users for months (and in fact, my reporting led in part to the ban of one such user), and it's literally never happened a single time that I'm aware of. People make these threads to rehearse their prejudice, not to reason through it.

 

Yes, you can help it, but choose not to. It's not up to us to overcome your prejudices for you, regardless of how many bad experiences you've had with bisexuals, since that's not a valid reason to hold it against all of us. I don't judge another person's experiences through my own lenses, expecting to "come around" and "see the light" eventually. Stop projecting your own insecurities onto all bisexuals.

And I don't have a problem with "camp" gay men, necessarily, but with drama, insecurity, and condescending behavior that some show towards bisexuals does get on my nerves. What's there to figure out? We experience different sexual attractions, but we're still capable of enjoying sexual activities, falling in love, and trying to understand accept each other.

Suppose some of us are on the way to accepting being gay... does that make it right to stereotype, pressure, and exclude us? No, it doesn't. Essentially, you're saying, "You're different, and I don't trust you because of that," which is really not much different than what heterosexuals do to all of us. We (bisexuals) don't have our own community, culture, role models, or history like gay men and lesbians, and need others to stand with us instead of "gay, straight, or bi" and "bisexual men don't exist". You're only feeding into traditional power structures by doing so.

Oh, and before you accuse bisexuals of being sexist, homophobic, and promiscuous, maybe you should look at a few of your fellow gay men, first, since there are quite a few guilty of the same exact things. That's all I've got to say for now, and hopefully it gets through to someone out there. Peace.

 

No, you're not, and your rehearsal of prejudicial statements proves it. Why are you expecting to be coddled here?

There's no point in saying you know you're wrong if you're going to continue believing what you do. You act as though you're not in control of your thoughts, and that doesn't make any sense at all.

 

With all of the homophobia still plaguing this world it's just outright silly and pointless for there to be prejudice in the LGBT community.