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Depression

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Daydream Harp, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. Daydream Harp

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    So as the title says, I am feeling really depressed as of lately. My psychologist told me today she wouldn't be able to help me with anything but listening to me talk, which is at least something but I was really relying on her help to be able to get further into the process of being myself...

    Everything seems really dark and grey as of lately too, I have started fearing people in general and I have started worrying about death, worrying about if there is a afterlife or not (I am Agnostic). I don't want to end up as nothing, the thought of just being nothing it really frightens me.

    As I mentioned in another thread, I like to cry to get out the bad emotions, but due to so many years of mental abuse I don't manage to cry anymore for the most part. Instead I have started thinking about hurting myself, with the only thing holding me back being that I have a phobia for broken skin and my worry about death.

    I am not sure where to even start for things to get better anymore, everything just seem so hopeless. If anyone have anything to say that could help, please, I need some help :icon_sad:
     
  2. Kasey

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    1.) A new therapist or psychiatrist is in order, especially if you have expressed hurting yourself.

    2.) existential questions are ones humans debate about all the time and is not something easily answered. You really might consider religion, seeing as you are worried about no existence after death. You seem to need comfort in something. I'm not saying any religion in particular or even an organized one but something to comfort your soul.

    3.) I know this is often something people eschew, but really, try getting exercise. When I felt at my worst, I eventually felt very good after my workout at karate. It calmed my mind and wore me out. Physical exhaustion often cures mental troubles I find.

    Also just let it out here, people here know how you feel.
     
  3. Daydream Harp

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    1) Well I am worried about starting from scratch again, it took like half a year to open up to her and I imagine it would take just as long with another psychologist.

    2) I haven't found any religions I agree enough with to consider joining, especially due to a lot of them having issues with LGBT people (and if not in the religion itself, often the community surrounding the religion it seems).

    3) I try to, but I don't feel I have any good ways to work out nor any desire to do so, besides I worry if I get thin I will lose the little femininity I have in my body due to being tall and with big bones and muscles and stuff...
     
  4. Girishbbe

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    I have been having the same feelings. I don't want to end up as nothing either. The thought scares me out of my mind. If I think too much about it, I start to hyperventilate and panic. (It feels odd because I am not even close to dieing.) Don't know if I can help you I'm afraid because I haven't found a good solution myself. Crying about it helps. Talking about it seems help a little too. I have been planing on going to church to see it that helps, but I have found excuses to not go so far. (Crazy stupid Idea, but I recall the movie final destination 3 had a extra feature about death and watching it actually made me feel better.) Ga that idea is crazy.

    Crying is good to get emotions out. I some times have a hard time crying. Well I guess I almost always have a hard time doing it. When you have a bad childhood you steel yourself and that helps you through it and through more hard times, but you kind of lose contact with a part of yourself that knows how to cry. I know cutting yourself isn't the way. Maybe said movies?

    I hope it helps to know your not the only one feeling this. It did kind of help me to read about your struggles and how they closely mirror my own. Hang in there.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2014 at 05:06 PM ----------

    My aunt has a church that is very welcoming to LGBT. It's like a church based around being accepting to different people. I don't recall the name right now, but I can find it I think.
     
  5. Noah86

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    Unitarian Universalist churches are very open to everyone. They are kind of the anti-religion sort of church which sounds weird, but I've been a couple times as an atheist and it was really nice; they are really about human rights/kindness, over doctrine.

    Are you on/can you get on some medication? I'm currently trying to find some medication that works for me and it is a harrowing process, but hopefully there will be a good outcome.

    Ice packs are a great way to get your focus off of hurting yourself and to get yourself to calm down. Just hold one in your hand, or place it on your chest/stomach, whatever, and focus on the cold until you feel better.

    What do you find therapeutic? Writing, art, music, drawing, dancing? Try to do more of that or maybe try something new.

    Even just walking is good to help get your endorphins up. So if you can take a walk or do some other gentle exercise like yoga or swimming, try something like that if you can.

    I know everything feels hopeless, but your brain is just a little sick right now; it will get better.
     
  6. Kasey

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    Well first of all... A therapist is supposed to be confidential if they are at all professional. Second talking to someone new with a clean slate is like talking to essentially strangers like on here. And if it doesn't work out you can just go elsewhere.

    Second you don't have to follow a religion, perhaps find some sort of spirituality. You seem like it's the LGBT hate more than the concept. I'm not suggesting a judeo - Christian religion if any at all. Just saying to me you seem amenable to the idea of wanting to believe in something more.

    Third, cardio and ab work look good on anyone and promote health without bulk. I'm not looking to get into huge bulky masculine shape either so I stick to core and cardio workout.
     
  7. Rakkaus

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    Sorry to hear you're struggling with depression. I've struggled with depression (and anxiety) my whole life, you're not alone. (*hug*)

    It's good that you're seeing a psychologist, though her comment about not being able to help you I find questionable, I second the suggestion that maybe you should find another therapist. A good talk therapist is definitely the most important factor in tackling depression. It's great that you feel comfortable opening up to this therapist, but if a therapist ever told me "I can't help you", I'd say "then what the hell am I seeing you for?"

    I think it's important to work with your therapist to try to find out what the root cause is of your depression and addressing that case in order to overcome the depression that it has created.

    In terms of medication, well, that's a tough decision to make, but maybe it's worth a try. Anti-depressants can be rough with the side effects, especially since I gather you are male in terms of body, lots of negative effects on libido and ability to orgasm, not to mention weight gain. And there's no guarantee of efficacy either, I was on Zoloft for years and never got anywhere. I was on Paxil for a few months, it also did nothing for my depression and it had the worst side effects, and then even worse withdrawals when I stopped it ("SSRI discontinuation syndrome" they call it because doctors like to pretend anti-depressants are perfectly safe to hand out like candy, but really, it's like withdrawing from a bad drug.) If you do decide to see a psychiatrist I would suggest trying something dual-action that affects both serotonin and norepinephrine, either a tetracyclic (like Remeron, which I'm on now) or one of the new SNRIs (like Cymbalta). I've been on Remeron a few months now, and I think it has actually helped a bit with my depression (though it hasn't done shit for my anxiety).
     
  8. PalestrinaMX

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    If you're not already, maybe it time to start thinking of taking medication. A little more than a year ago I felt similar. I was just always sad, and felt hopeless, and I honestly just wanted to die. I made myself a appointment with a psychiatrist, and I started to take medication. It took a while to find the right dose, but it was so worth it. I'm not feeling so hopeless like I did before. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  9. Mogget

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    I'm going to second the recommendation that you see a new therapist. It's your therapist's job to help you learn how to manage your symptoms and hopefully alliviate them. Even if your therapist is working with an "abandon all hope of fruition" model of therapy*, they shouldn't be saying that they can't do anything at all.

    In the meantime, I recommend using grounding to manage your symptoms. Grounding will return your focus to the experience of the present moment, which is helpful for anxiety. It won't cure you, but it will leave you feeling better.

    *this is a model used primarily by Buddhists and Buddhism-influenced therapy. It can actually be quite helpful, but only if the reasons for using it are very carefully discussed and spelled out
     
  10. Daydream Harp

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    Sorry to hear you are going through similar problems. And well I live in a small town in Norway so I don't know how many "special churches" we have around these parts, nor am I sure Christianity is a religion that I can truly believe in even if I think Jesus was a cool guy.

    Do you know if these Unitarian Universalist churches exists in Norway and how LGBT friendly they are in practice? No I am not on medication, and I really don't want to be, my ex was on heavy anti depressant medication and it did things to him that I don't want to go through myself.

    I tend to make music to let out bad emotions, but I am too tired to be creative, and just too depressed and without any strong feelings to have anything to put into the songs. I wish I could do more kinds of artistic expression, but I am really terrible at everything else.

    I kinda feel "working out and doing fun stuff" isn't doing it anymore, I feel I have to get out of the hell I am in and I feel those only distract from the reality that I need to find a way to change.

    Okay I think there is a misunderstanding here. What I meant to say is that she says she can't help me further directly with my gender identity and coming out and starting transitioning.

    Well I am not sure where to look, I find it harder and harder to believe in good forces in the sky or whatever by the day, even if I think there is more between heaven and earth than we can see.

    Will cardio and ab work affect my breast area any?

    Sorry to hear you are also struggling (*hug*)

    Well I know what the root cause for my depression is: I have been bullied my entire life and when I finally find out who I really am after so many years of hiding behind a facade to survive, I find out my family are not accepting or tolerant at all despite talking about being the most tolerant people ever and shit, so now I am living a lie essentially all while being very lonely in the process and missing having a special someone every day.

    It seems my psychologist have no special training in helping with LGBT things, so that is probably why she feels like she can't help me further when everything revolves around my gender.

    I don't want to use medication, I want to find a way to take the depression by the root and not use medicine and side activities to look past it.

    Happy to hear the medication helped you, though I feel uncomfortable with the medicine myself as explained above in this post.

    I'll check that blog out, thanks.
     
  11. KWDBM

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    *HUGS*

    I too battle with depression, and sometimes it can feel like a battle unable to win.

    As hypocritical as it is for me to say this, I also encourage some sort of exercise. While it may not work in the long-term, it does get your heart-rate up and chemicals flowing, and will most likely help you feel a little better even if just for a short while. I take walks with a friend at night 3-5 times a week, and just the cold air, the fast pace, etc helps me to not overthink about my problems.

    Your psychiatrist sounds taught in general psychiatry, nothing specialized. If you really want to move forward, no matter how much "starting over" it means, you need someone specialized in LGTBQ issues. I live in a small town and there are three such psychiatrists here; Hopefully you can find one in your area.
     
  12. Kasey

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    Well like everyone said find a therapist you think can help further your goals.There are LGBT specialists out there.

    Also, cardio = running. No that doesn't affect your chest at all.
     
  13. Daydream Harp

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    I appreciate your advice, I really do, but I am tired of hiding my depression under a rug of vitamins, I want to roll up the rug and clean the floor underneath to say it in a bit of a pretentious way. Everything wrong in my life comes back to me having to hide my real self to the world, and I want that to change.
     
  14. Girishbbe

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    Have you tried talking with your family about your depression?
     
  15. Daydream Harp

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    Gah sorry, didn't see the new replies before I posted last night, so tired my brain doesn't work properly...

    Sorry to hear about your depression *hugs*

    I guess I will have to bring it up to her next time I go there.

    I guess I will have to try that then, though I have no idea where to do that. I don't dare run outside on the street, and I don't want to go to a gym due to the locker rooms and such.

    I am not out to my family (except for my mother who is in denial), so no.
     
  16. Girishbbe

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    Your not out about your depression? You could talk with your family about being depressed and the parts that don't involve your closet. It might help. I know the feeling when you want to hide yourself. You hide about one thing and you start hiding about everything.
     
  17. Kasey

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    Some of the problem is the stigma still associated with mental illness like true depression. I agree to keep discussing it with a therapist but if ones parents don't accept depression then being transgender will be very difficult to express.

    It has to start somewhere though.
     
  18. Girishbbe

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    Oh ya. I forgot about the stigma. My family is kind of open about depression and I forgot other families likely have different dynamics.
     
  19. Daydream Harp

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    Thing is, all my depression seems to be rooted in me being in the closet about my gender as of now, so I can't talk to my family about it. Besides, whenever they notice I am depressed my mother just goes on about how I need more C vitamins and how I need to go find more "real friends in the real world".
     
  20. Shy825

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    Just remember there are other things in life. Try to be happy. Did you know smiling uses less muscles than a sad face?
    I hate depression and feel it at the moment too. But I have been trying my best to snap out of it. Just think depression is temporary. You will be happy again. I like to listen to music as I find it helps and cheers me up.
    Try listening to "Smile" :slight_smile: that song by Charlie Chaplin that loads of singers have done covers for like MJ's version.
    just try smiling :slight_smile: