1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't know what happened to me...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TheQuietTreader, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. TheQuietTreader

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2012
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Over the Rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I used to be a nice person, everyone would tell me I was nice. I even got votes for homecoming prince (sophomores vote for a guy and girl to represent their class) somehow even though I'm kinda awk awk.
    Anyways, ever since then I've felt like I've had to try to be someone who I'm not. And it's killing me inside. Anytime I don't succeed in a conversation with someone I feel like a total failure. This social pressure passed on to the rest of my life, but luckily I managed to get that under control. I can't be perfect. But I still get depressed and I can't negative thoughts out of my head when I mess up. I've became more awk awk since I've been trying fit in well since I don't know what to say and it just comes out as blah bleh. It doesn't help that I hangout with pretty negative people but I don't want to hangout with the "perfect" positive try hard popular people because I'd probably get kicked out of their group because I'm pretty awkward at socializing when I'm not with good friends or feeling safe. Besides, my friends are funny and keep me in a facade that I am actually happy, any they're true friends. I doubt any one of them would think much differently of me if I came out to the. (I already came out to most of my friend group). I know I would get kicked out of the "perfect" try hard group, or at least it would cause a divide. I'm not worth that.
    I've been trying to develop a skill that I have some talent in (unlike running, which I enjoy tons but have no natural talent at all): the pianosimmo! It's like whenever I'm not doing anything productive for half an hour I start to get depressed as well. I should be doing something when there are people out there in the world like Gabe Newell and Bill Gates.
    Obviously, this mindset causes lots of anxiety. Therefore, it affects my grades. When I am doing anything times I get really nervous and think about almost anything but the essay or test due at the end of the period. I still manage to finish, but I could do better. Also, when it comes time to take my AP World exam I'm pretty sure
    I'm not gonna be able to handle the stress. I know I'm gonna feel like a total failure if I don't get a 5 cause history is my best subject by far. I have a high A in the class. I know I shouldn't feel like this but I literally can't stop! It's gnawing at me from the inside and I know I'm gonna eventually collapse from everything. It's infuriating. And I can't stop thinking really mean jokes about people either. Just negative thoughts and jokes. If I really force myself I can get in a positive mindset for about half an hour but it soon flips to negative again and I don't even notice. I've stopped really caring about other peoples issues and urgh it's just frustrating! I feel like I am just an emotional wreck, but no one knows. I have a facade that I keep for my friends. Luckily, my friends are dealing with it but I'm still being mean to them.
    I really need advice! I kinda went on a tangent, so I hope it makes sense. Thanks EC!:icon_wink
     
  2. resu

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2013
    Messages:
    4,968
    Likes Received:
    395
    Location:
    Oklahoma City
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That was a little hard to follow, and I'm not sure what you want to fix, so (*hug*)
     
  3. Byron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2012
    Messages:
    457
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arizona
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    First, calm down. collect your thoughts. Trust me, it will help.

    You say that you want to be a writer? Ok. The first thing that you need to in order for us to help your is to take what you have written down, and organize it. Treat it like a pre-write. Organize everything that is bothering you, break it down and present each issue on its own. Find out what kind of advice you want, figure out how we can help you with each issue independently. Then we can help you and hopefully address the overall issue if, there is one.

    (*hug*)

    On a side note, I'm sure you will do fine on that AP World History test, especially because you have an A in the class. If you have a great teacher who made you work hard for that A, you will be fine. I passed that test, and I'm majoring in an engineering field in college.
     
  4. TheQuietTreader

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2012
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Over the Rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Ok lol. I realize that was a Tl;dr kinda deal. I was really upset and just getting that out helped me calm down, I probably should've just wrote that in my journal. Anyways, pretty much I lost myself after feeling pressured to fit into the normal mold after becoming homecoming prince, and it's making me too judgmental of myself and others. And now, since about November, I couldn't stop getting negative thoughts out of my head since I wasn't being myself. I've finally decided that I don't give a poop what anyone thinks about me, but I don't know how to act like myself since I feel like I've changed so much since then. If I acted like myself I would be a grumpy, cynical, unforgiving old man. I don't know how to stop being so negative, as well. I hope that simplifies everything.
     
  5. Byron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2012
    Messages:
    457
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arizona
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So it sounds like you are feeling negative because you felt that you were being pressured to fit in to begin with and now you have decided not to let others opinions affect you but you feel that you can't be yourself because of of the negativity spawned from the aftermath of becoming homecoming prince. So the first thing you have to do is focus on the source of the negativity, what is it that at this time causing you to be negative? Then you should try to figure out how to remove that source of negativity. If your negativity stems from the way you acted or felt that you had to act after becoming homecoming prince, that is the past, and I would suggest letting go of it and trying to focus on the positive things that are currently going on in your life.

    So what is it that has caused you to change so much since then, caused you feel that you have become a grumpy, cynical old man at the young age of fifteen?

    I apologize if I am misinterpreting this. To be honest this reminds me of what I went through in high-school. I became grumpy and detached because of my own paranoid perceptions and felt that I had to put on a face. Eventually when I realized what I was doing wrong I had become so used to putting on a mask that I couldn't tell if I was cold and detached and wore a mask to hide it, or if I really was just a nice person but felt that I had a dark side to hide.

    I hope something in this post was at least remotely helpful.
     
  6. TheQuietTreader

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2012
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Over the Rainbow
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Dude, you completely understand me. That helps a lot. I've also found that a lot of my negativity spawns from the procrastination monster. I'm gonna focus on fixing that for a while. I didn't procrastinate much at all today and felt a lot better for some reason. I think I just spend too much time pondering stuff I can't change, and being busy helps me focus on other stuff. Thanks man!
     
  7. Byron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2012
    Messages:
    457
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arizona
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Your welcome. I'm glad that I was able to help. I sincerely hope that you overcome the urge to procrastinate while your still in high-school. It is not something you want to be dealing with in college, believe me.