I'm finally going to get help... but need a little support

I'd like to start by saying today has been a rough day. I've cried more today than I have in months, and I just feel sick all over. So, this is gonna be long, so I can get it all off my chest.

I've mentioned this girl on other threads before... Let's call her Sara. She's my ex, and has been sending me weird signals for the past few months. Holding my hand when it's just us talking or if we're sitting together, saying flirty things, hugging me from behind, texting me everyday, putting her head on my shoulder... all kinds of stuff. Later on, I was told by my bisexual best friend, let's call her Bianca, that Sara "wasn't ready for a relationship yet" and that's why whenever I'd ask where we stood, Sara would vaguely say "I don't know". I created a thread when this happened, and I'd like to apologize to the one person who replied to it because I didn't take her advice of distancing myself from Sara. At the same time, Sara and Bianca started becoming really close. I told Bianca I had been scared she and Sara were gonna get together, but she reassured me with "Sara's not my type" and that it was just me being paranoid.

Today, two of Sara's close friends couldn't take it anymore, and they told me to get over Sara. They also said she had a crush on me and another girl. My first guess was Bianca... and I was right. I felt so stupid, and still do... They constantly hang out and gossip and act like best friends all the time. Bianca would also say vague things whenever I mentioned my relationship with Sara. I always found it weird that Bianca would say how I needed to tell Sara to stop leading me on, and then acted like Sara wasn't doing anything whenever she talked to her. When Sara first broke up with me, a bunch of our friends yelled at her for it and were angry at her for hurting me. Why wouldn't my best friend do the same? Something had obviously been going on that I didn't know about.

I came home and immediately started sobbing. It hurt. My best friend was being untruthful and taking away the girl I loved. I trusted both of them. I ended up self harming, something that began in middle school. I don't cut, but scratch up my arms until they're pink and red and burn. When I looked at my arm and saw how awful it looked, I realized that I no longer had two of my closest friends to talk to, and needed someone. I had wanted to see a therapist or someone for years, but never was brave enough to ask. I had been so scared that my parents would be upset and blame it on themselves or be embarrassed of me, but I finally figured out this is too much. I went downstairs to the basement where my dad was working, and asked if I could cancel the voice lessons I'd received as a birthday gift, in exchange for a therapist. Of course, I could hardly get two words out before I started crying again. I ended up telling my dad almost everything; what was happening, the anxiety and depression I felt, the abusive relationship I'd been in, how I feel around others, etc. The only things I left out were the self harm and suicidal thoughts. He was soooooo supportive, and said of course I could see someone, and wished I'd asked him sooner. I cried for a while and he was there for me. He said he was willing to drive me all the way to another city to see someone, since I mentioned I didn't want everyone knowing about it. My mom was told all this when she got home. She gave me a slightly less encouraging pep talk about not storming into school mad at both of them when I don't really know what happened, and a lot of hugs.

The point of this whole thing is that because this happened, I finally got the 30 seconds of insane courage that I needed in order to tell my parents that I needed help. After wondering if I had depression or anxiety, I now get to finally figure out exactly what's wrong. I might even be able to get over the abusive relationship, and live my life without stopping myself from falling in love (something that had wrecked the first time I dated Sara). It's weird that something so horrible would result in this, but I guess it helps me try and keep a positive outlook.

So, for those of you who maybe went through something similar: Anything I should expect at therapy? I've never gone, and don't know much about what it's like. Also, if anybody has advice for my situation with Sara and Bianca, that'd be wonderful too. Again, I was mostly looking for a place to breathe and rant about this. Thank you to all who read it.

 

Yes, I do want to see a therapist. I've had this anxiety and depression for years, since the seventh grade to be exact. I also mentioned the abusive relationship that I'd been in before dating Sara, something that I've never fully gotten over. Like I said, I wanted to see a therapist for the longest time, but was too scared to ask. I'm furious at Bianca for acting like this is nothing, and that nothing is her fault and everything is fine, but I don't hate her. I don't hate Sara either, I'm just mad at her for thinking this is all okay. They both let me believe that I could trust them, but now I don't know what to believe from them. The initial shock has begun to wear off, even though the whole thing has left me feeling constantly sick. I was able to joke around at the end of the day with my friends. I also told one of my best friends what really happened, and when I showed her my arm she almost started crying; something I'd never seen before. So, maybe that will help me get better too.

Thank you for the replies! I really appreciate it.

 

I've never heard of a contract like that before, but it does sound like a good idea. Will definitely keep that in mind.