I need weird advice, please.

This is just me .... Nobody special .... But I think your mother should know how this man has treated her daughter .... Regardless of money or any other issues .... He's a waste of skin ... In my opinion ... Really want her attached to a man that can do the things he does to you? Will he abuse grandma after you leave? Then when only your mon is left... Then who? Not sure what your best action is .... But follow your heart ....

 

That doesn't make it OK for him to abuse and sexually batter you.

 

Hmm.... I really don't know .... Perhaps opening up to your music teacher face to face would give you some better insight .... The sense I get from your moms b/f though ... He's a terrible person ... Untrustworthy and mean hearted ...

 

Hmm .... I really wish I could be of some help in this difficult situation you're in ..... I feel for you ..... On one hand ... Do nothing ... Nothing changes ... But not knowing the out come of doing something is sketchy ... I'm sorry ... I'm no help am I ... I sure hope it ends well for you though ...

 

Do you really think you are over reacting? Reading what you have typed gives me the impression you are under reacting. The things he did to you are unacceptable.

 

I don't know if I can tell you what to do. In a perfect world, you would tell people they would believe you and he would end up getting the help he needs. They have programs for abusers to help them change. You could tell your mother, but there is no assurance that they will believe you. Your professor will likely believe you and be compelled to help. If you don't tell them, then your lie can eat at you. The police may or may not believe you. They tend not to believe it unless they see it themselves.

If you are sure he wont abuse your mother or grandmother, you could just completely avoid him till you leave. It's by no means ideal because you would be more or less exiled from home and he would never get the help he needs.

 

Rocket89, I'm sorry to hear you are in such a terrible situation. Your mother's boyfriend's despicable behavior is inexcusable. He has sexually assaulted you, used extremely bigoted language against you, and physically abused you. Any level of violence against you is wrong. In your language, I can hear you excusing him: "We just used to get along so well, for years" and "I just don't know if I'm overreacting or what?" You are a human being who deserves the utmost respect; ANY kind of disrespect and abuse against you is wrong. Just because he helped you in the past does not give him any license to disrespect you and your body Ever. After reading of your circumstances, my Main concern is that I hope you know that you don't have to excuse him in any way. He does not deserve it. You are a human being who deserves more than this, and I am so sorry that you have to put up with his atrocious behavior.

I am glad to hear that you will be moving out soon. And I can see why you don't want the authorities to be involved. You want to protect your mother and everything she has built with this man. I respect this wish, because we don't live in a perfect world, and terrible people get away with terrible things, and terrible people are also capable of good, which is what makes it so confusing. It is your choice, and only your choice, who you want to involve in this situation. As I said, my main concern is that I hope that you know, truly know, that you don't ever have to feel like you need to excuse his behavior. There is no excuse whatsoever. If you are excusing his behavior now, I am afraid that his behavior will escalate, become much more worse over time, and because you're excusing his behavior now, then what if he passes a line and you're not able to recognize it or don't want to? What I'm saying is that there Has to be a line, and only you can draw it. And I think a good way of drawing that line is to never ever excuse his behavior. Perhaps acknowledge that his behavior is wrong, and that you are helpless to change it, but don't make excuses for him. Please understand that I'm not trying to prescribe how you should think; rather, I'm just worried that you have lost a bit of your sense of self worth.

And lastly, I'm not sure what to say about telling your professor the truth. Ultimately, it's up to you. If you tell him not to tell anyone else, then perhaps he will respect your wishes. Also, I wonder, from the language of your message, if you really needed to share your story with someone, anyone, and if your guilt derives in part from this need. Perhaps I'm reading too much into the situation, but this is my impression: You're in a really terrible situation, and maybe sharing relieves some of the burden of keeping this big secret from the people closest to you: your mother, your grandmother, and your professor. I can see that you have many reasons for not wanting to tell any of them. But in the end, only you can be the one to decide who to tell.

Wishing you the best.

 

Tell your mom about it!!! Him touching you IS NOT OK. You have no idea if this inappropriate behavior will escalate over time. If your mom doesn't do anything, tell the authorities about it. Move out!!

 

Sweetheart, you're being abused. Both sexually and physically. And your making excuses for him. I know it's hard, but you're not alone. Domestic violence is becoming very common. It is not OK for him to touch you, no matter how well you used to get along. Many abuse victims go to their graves without a soul hearing about it. The abusers often get away scot-free. Be the brave one and break the cycle, this is not a person that you or your mum need in your lives.

 

The way that man touches you is not okay. I advise you to tell your mother, and then get out of that house. Stay with a friend or a relative. Abuse doesn't just go away, it usually gets worse. Trust me, I had an ex who used to touch me and I would tell him to stop, but he didn't. At the time I made excuses for him and blamed myself. The abuse only worsened. This is not your fault and you are not overreacting. The most important thing you can do right now is protect yourself.

 

Option 1, Move out, as you have planned. This is how abusers work- they abuse one victim at first, and they do it in seclusion and leave no evidence. Then, they act as kind and sweet as can be to everyone else around, and even to YOU every now and then so that you WILL feel like you're overreacting. And then, they just get even more abusive. Then you try to tell someone, they don't believe you, the abuse intensifies, and the cycle continues.

I'm worried about your mother and your grandmother, I really am, which would be my only reason for hesitating to move out. So, this brings me to Option 2, raise your defenses. Buy yourself an easy to conceal taser or some pepper spray and the next time he tries something, get his ass with it... well, not his ass, you probably wanna aim for the face, but you get what I mean. Now, with this option, you'll have to play your cards right with when you use the mace or taser. Let's be honest, if he grabs your butt and you taze him, as justified as you are, he'll too easily be able to squirm out of that situation as the "victim". You probably only wanna use these tools if he's getting physically abusive.

Whichever option you choose, in addition to it, you need to tell your music teacher and probably some friends. You're going to need people on your side. It's hard to prove abuse when the abuser is always getting you when you're alone, but just make sure your story is consistent with everyone you may share it with.

Good luck, and don't fall in to any of his bullshit. Like I said, he WILL probably try to soften up on you and apologize and be nice and crap, but that's just a facade to make you feel bad about accusing him. Right now, he is your enemy until further notice. Do NOT trust him.

 

It's a shame that your mother didn't believe you. It's rather common too I'm afraid. I will tell you that no amount of button pushing justifies his treatment of you. It is no excuse. Your not over reacting. It really doesn't matter if other people have had it worse. What is happening is at the level of unacceptable.

I can't agree with staying with him for another four months. That is four months of sexual assault and abuse. That's not the kind of thing you should subject yourself to.

 

Verbal and emotional abuse is soul destroying. The fact that he has escalated that to physical and sexual abuse is a terrifying thing. You need to stop making excuses for his behavior and recognize that what he is doing is all abusive.

As for your mom not believing you, I am so sorry to hear this. I know you say that he has never abused her but are you sure? How does he speak to her? Is her verbally nasty to her? I am asking because when I was 15 and staying the weekend at my sister's house she made all kinds of excuses for what her boyfriend did. I was sitting on her sofa and he real quick knelt down in front of me and grabbed my boob. I leaned back away from him, got a foot on his chest and kicked him across the room. I started screaming at him and cussing him out for a dirty bastard. My sister ran in the room to see what was happening and he said "you sister is being mean to me, she kicked me." I was still screaming and told her that he grabbed my breast. She said "oh he didn't mean anything. He was being silly." I never stayed at her house again while she was with him. It turned out later that he had been abusing her for ages and she was scared that if I kept yelling he would beat me up too. After she finally got smart and broke up with him he came to her apartment, kicked in her door and raped her.

Your mom sounds like she is totally in denial because she might want to be. Her boyfriend sounds like a royal ass that is escalating his aggression towards you. When you said he grabbed you and threw you down on the bed my thought was it was lucky that is not the point he went ahead and raped you. He just comes of as a dangerous person for you to be around.

You said you only really get along with your mother. What about your grandmother? Do you get on with her as well. Has she witnessed any of this? Could you talk to her, or if she has seen what he does would she back you up telling your mother? How does he treat your grandmother?

If no one in that house is going to listen to you, then you really need to be careful because he sounds very dangerous. The fact that he calls you faggot, makes sexually inappropriate comments, and is touching you sexually kind of sounds like he is some kind of bigoted pervert who finds your sexuality a challenge to his masculinity or something.

Please take care of yourself. Please, please, please realize that you deserve better than this. Don't worry that it might feel like over-reacting. If you ever feel threatened, call the police. Just lock yourself in a room and call them. You keep you safe above and beyond all else.

As for telling your professor, if you feel the need to be honest with him then do so. As you are not a minor that will probably take a lot of the reporting rules off of him but I imagine with some searching online you could find out if college professors are required to report such things to anyone. If you feel like you don't want to risk that then please go back to your counsellor or even better get a different one that you might feel more comfortable with. Tell someone and also realize that YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE BEING TREATED THIS WAY.

Good luck to you. Be safe.

 

Everyone else has said what I would say. Just want to say again that you are *not* overreacting; Too many people think that if nothing "serious" happens it's not worth mentioning. Which is exactly how things end up escalating to more serious abuse.

I'm so sorry that your mother doesn't believe you, and often it's more that she doesn't *want* to believe you because she doesn't want to believe that he could be capable of it.

I really hope you can move out soon, even temporarily, and maybe find somewhere more permanent during that time.

 

Rocket89, it sounds like you had a psychoanalyst for a counselor, which is kind of amusing. I mean, I like psychoanalysis for the theory, but when they apply such ideals like the absentee father during childhood causing your problems, it's laughable. Glad you didn't take that seriously.

In regard to your question of not sharing with your friends: I think I sort of understand. Often, when I go through something terrible in my life, I won't tell my friends until After it's over. They say that true friends will be there for you through everything, but I'm often afraid of burdening friends with the truth. It's difficult to sit down with them and say, Here's what's going on in my life. And what could friends do anyway? How would they react? I'm sure friends could be really caring and helpful, but when I am in a terrible situation, I use all my strength to get through the situation, and I might want to share, but I'm so focused on getting though the situation that it worries even more when I think about telling a friend.

It is often much easier to tell strangers, because if we're not helping you with the situation, you could shut us out. If you told a friend, the friend would know Forever, and might make you do something (get help) that you're not comfortable doing. Please understand that I'm Not discouraging you from talking with a close friend; rather, I just wanted to show that actually, there are lots of reasons why you might not be entirely honest with your friends, and these reasons make a lot of sense. We at EC now know and we all support you and we hope the best for you, and I hope that makes you feel a bit better.

I am really glad that you have plans to escape your mother's boyfriend. It seems that you've been sort of homeless for awhile, because we can't call that abusive place your "home." It's definitely not. It sounds like you have many exciting plans in four months, and I'm happy for you! Just have to make it until then!