I guess I am just looking for a little support and someone to relate to. I have been uncomfortably repressed my whole life. I was shy to the point where I couldn't speak at times and I never felt like i could truly connect with anyone. I am 25 now, my sex is male and I am straight so for the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't identify with other guys. I always felt more comfortable with girls but when puberty hit and the awkwardness kicked in girls terrified me. I have always been told I am attractive, tall, blue eyes, slender build, but I felt disgusted whenever I looked in the mirror. For some reason growing up I hated my body and I didn't like being nude even alone in my room. I always had to cover up my manhood, even from myself. I was kind and gentle, I listened to people and felt emotions very strongly. I am sure I could have put 2 and 2 together but I was also dealing with a storm of other issues. I was dealing with ADHD, anxiety, and depression, all of which I swallowed, and denied, and let eat me up from the inside out. I felt incredible pressure to fit the male gender role and all of my emotional issues and identity issues where held back so desperately because when they would slip I would find myself repeating the words of so many American men. Don't be weak, be a real man, stop being such a pussy. It didn't help that I kept trying to be more masculine and even then people still thought I was gay. The more I gave into that expected gender norm the more closed off and cold I became. I was so good at repressing every feeling that it took until I was 23 before I could even say the word depressed and until 25 when I finally admitted my gender confusion. When really drunk one night I had a gay friend telling me I didn't know what it was like to not fit the norm and I blurted out "sometimes I wish I was a woman" I hadn't even allowed myself to say that in my head so it scared the shit out of me. I finally met a bi girl a month ago who somehow I have been able to open up to. The last week has been all research, reflection, and learning my pronouns. I took the bem test and another transgendered one and in both I came up as androgyne. I tend to score slightly higher in feminine traits. A lot is making sense now that I can identify it, the body disphoria pretty much since puberty, why I was so insecure about my manliness and why I began to loath masculinity. I think I blamed my masculine traits and conditioning for suppressing the real me. There are masculine traits i love about myself but all the negative conditioning leaves a lot of bad habits. Truth is though I don't think I would be happy as a lesbian woman, I just don't like being a man often. Now I know more about myself but I still am terrified to express my self. I feel like there are two people in my head and I want them to live in harmony and both be expressed but whenever my feminine mind speaks out or comes out in my behavior, my masculine floods my head with judgement and insecurity. It tells me that I am wrong. It took so long before I built up the courage for small acts of feminine expression like shaving my legs, plucking my eyebrows, and using accessories like scarves. I feel like both genders and I know my body will never reflect that. I feel like people wouldn't understand how I could be both and I am scared to try and explain it.:icon_sad:
It sounds like you are bigender/gender queer (like me!) there isn't just two genders so it's done that you feels this way! Don't be scared or nervous, I think after 25 years of life, it's time to be yourself. Good luck!
