I'm a 17 year old male and have suspected that I was gay since I was 14, but have been in denial up until recently. It has been extremely painful for the last three years because my mom was very homophobic, and used to say horrible things about LGBT people; but then she died so I will never know how she really felt about me. I was finally able to get a boyfriend which gave me the illusion that things just might turn out okay after all. It even gave me enough confidence to come out to my family and friends. However he just broke up with me out of nowhere and now I am back to my original predicament. It is just so hard to accept that I may never find a soul mate because of my mental problems which turn people away from meet all the time. I try sooooo hard to be normal and it pains me so much and I pray so hard every night to God that I will find a soul mate, and I cry every night thinking about the possibility that I will never find anyone which is my worst fear. ;( People just don't understand how hard and painful it is!! I try to convince myself that it will get better, but then when I look at people like Bobby Griffith it makes me think otherwise. I have minimal functioning in society due to my mental incapacitating, and even my psychologist doesn't help. What did I do to deserve this? Why did God choose for me to be gay and psychotic? So that everyone can hate me and so that I'm miserable my whole life!? I need someone to tell me for certain that things will get better and that I will be happy someday.
First off, why do you say it like God made you gay like it's bad? If God made good people then why aren't you one? Second I don't know your particular mental problem so I can't even begin to advise you. Any more info you want to share? About your mother I'm sorry you never were able to come out to her and that's she's gone. However about your mentality. Here's one thing that's easy to say but hard to do. Live to make yourself happy. Don't let others dictate how you live. I was "told" what to do my whole life. I was too worried I would fail. Eventually I adopted the "fuck it life will go on" approach. It takes a while but you will find your way. It does get better.
I don't mean that being gay alone is bad, but rather being gay and having psychosis; which answers your other question. I guess I'm just like any other person who is looking for the "easy way out" by wanting to be straight, but can you really blame me? It's as if being gay alone isn't hard enough so God had to make me so mentally ill that my functioning in society is around zero. At least if I wasn't mentally disabled and my executive functioning was just a little bit higher I might actually be able to find a soul mate; which rarely happens by online means.
I think you are being too hard on yourself man. You're only 17, and a guy liked you enough to call you his boyfriend. Hell, I'm 22, and I still haven't had a girlfriend or boyfriend. But I'm curious, what is your mental disability? You write well and seem pretty normal to me.
Maybe I am too hard on myself, but I feel like if I stop being hard on myself, I will never have enough motivation to find a soul mate and will be lonely and miserable for my whole life. And the mental disorder (actually I have more than one) but the most debilitating is Psychotic disorder NOS in which I have difficulty accurately perceiving certain aspects of reality, and causes very poor executive functioning, which is ones ability to plan out tasks, and have motivation to do anything. My doctor says that I am mentally unable to handle the responsibilities of life like applying for and getting a job, doing what I have to do to get to college, and things of that nature. This is the most distressing aspect of my condition because I want so badly to be able to function normally, and I just feel like even if I can ever be in a long lasting relationship, it won't last long because I always misinterpret what people say and do to me, and then they hate me because of it. I was even put in the hospital once because of myI urge to self harm. I just don't know what to do anymore man. :/
Contrary to what you said in your "mental state" description you sound very lucid and eloquent at least in digital mediums for conversation.
I'm not lying, my condition is very real, but does not hinder my ability to read an write. My thought process is impaired, but not to the point of incoherance. Once again, NOT lying.
Different areas of the brain control different functions. The area of my brain controlling speech, writing and reading seems to have been preserved at least for now. The prefrontal cortex of my brain is the defective area, which has caused significant defect in my executive functioning. I just hope that antipsychotics or some sort of medication can help with that.
I just wrote a long post about my struggles with mental illness and my computer ate it. Oh well... Short version: It gets better with age and a good treatment team. I have a lot of friends with psychotic disorders who are doing fine now that they have found the right medications and ways to deal with their symptoms. Some are even very high functioning now. Don't lose hope! Even I'm doing better than I was now that I'm in the right therapy. I'm going back to school and have been out of the hospital for a while. Please PM me or write on my wall if you want to talk about this more. I have a lot of connections in the mental health world and would be happy to talk with you about resources if that's helpful. I'm also happy just to listen. I know when you're in a lot of pain sometimes it's just nice to vent.
Thank you Issl, it means a lot to hear that! My biggest fear is the loneliness that goes along with the psychosis, even though I try very hard to be social, and I am constantly disappointing myself and others who expect better of me.
Hey Issi, thank you for commenting on my post and offering your help! :icon_bigg I just feel so depressed about my current predicament because with my particular case of psychosis, I have mostly negative symptoms, which are very hard to treat with medication. My executive functioning seems to be the most affected, and for awhile everyone thought that I was just lazy, but I really try to do what I have to do to function! It's just soooo discouraging when you put everything into something and it just won't get any better! :bang: I don't know of any medications that improve executive functioning, and I'm beginning to loose hope.:icon_sad: Btw, how do I send private messages to you? I tried to and it told me that I wasn't allowed?
You need to be a full member (and the recipient also needs to be a full member) to send private messages.
I'm sorry, I should've clarified about the PM thing. I'm about to send in my request to become a full member so hopefully they'll aprove that soon and then after 2 weeks and 50 posts, you can request to become a full member as well. Until then, my wall is always open and I'm happy to keep talking here on this thread as well. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been dealing with so much. (*hug*) I know things can seem hopeless most of the time. I go to that place pretty often. When I take a step back however I realize that I'm learning to manage my mental illness more effectively as the years go on. From what I've seen, that applies for any mental illness; you might never get "better" but you can learn how to manage and eventually even how to live a life that you can enjoy. I can also relate to negative symptoms. While I don't have the same diagnosis as you, the presentation of my illness seems to take practically the entire list of negative symptoms and none of the positive ones. While a lot of people with my condition experience rage or an excessive startle response, I'd just kind of sit around like a vegetable and stare at the ceiling, unable to feel anything or even do anything. I think a lot of times treaters are more concerned with positive symptoms which is unfortunate because negative symptoms can be just as devastating, if not more so. Do you feel like your treaters take you seriously? I think that's a good first question to ask yourself. If the answer is no, it's time to take a good look for some new mental healthcare professionals. It's a huge sign of strength that you're posting here and the prognosis is always good for people who are dedicated to getting better. Try to keep that in mind.
Thanks Issi!! And I share many of the symptoms you described especially the excessive startle response and lack of feeling anything. It just gets so discouraging and hard to get out of the darkness that I'm in. By the way, is it okay if I ask what mental illness(es) you've been diagnosed with? I've got ADD, OCD, BDD, panic disorder, a severe phobia of vomiting, major depression, and then the psychosis. ---------- Post added 14th Jan 2014 at 02:57 PM ---------- I also think that my treaters don't take my negative symptoms seriously, and are only concerned with the very few positive symptoms that I have. But psychiatrists are hard to find, and I'm not even sure medication can treat negative symptoms.
I have had a tricky time with diagnosis actually. I was initially diagnosed with depression and then bipolar disorder then bipolar with psychosis. As it currently stands, the doctors think I have depression, PTSD, and traits of borderline personality disorder. I don't really know what I have anymore as I've been through practically every diagnosis in the DSM. I even had one clinician suggest schizophrenia so I'm a bit of a mixed bag of symptoms. :dry: I also did a bit of research on negative symptoms of psychosis and it appears that there have been studies done that show that atypical antipsychotics are more effective for negative symptoms than their predecessors. A lot of treatment of negative symptoms however seems to be targetted primarily in therapy. I hope that gives you some hope that things won't be this way forever. There's definitely research being done on the topic and they seem to be finding more effective ways of treating what you're dealing with. And don't forget - you're not alone in this even if it might feel that way sometimes!
Wow, that definitely sounds like a mixed bag of diagnosises! :eek: And I really hope that things do get better soon because I don't want to live this way forever and I just feel like psychological trading won't help me because it's never worked for me before.
