Internalized Homophobia

Well atleast you know its internalised homophobia

I think you're on the right track, especially if you're making an effort, and this is a good start.

The more comfortable you become the better. Personally I still dont have my parents approval and I dont care, at some point you'll probably have to tell them, especially if you begin dating, and hopefully thats when you're ready and prepared, the last thing you want happening to you is getting kicked out if you're still living at home.

 

I was going to send you a private message including the following, but I suppose I'm not a full member and don't have the privilege of doing so. Here's what I wanted to send you:

I just read your post about internalized homophobia and can relate to you. First I want to say that you sound intelligent and like you've reflected on who you are and what it is to be gay. I do this a lot, probably to a fault, and I'm having trouble finding answers. I probably have a good bit more experience being "out" than you do, or at least identified as gay in the midst of other gay people. But I still struggle to understand what's going on and why I'm so uncomfortable with things. Internalized homophobia is tough. I don't know how to get past it. I'm sure it afflicts a lot of people with non-traditional sexual orientations, although it doesn't seem like many talk about their own issues with it very often. Makes me feel alone and strange in my feelings sometimes. I theorize that a lot of gay people feel obligated to defend the born-gay argument, and so they don't voice their doubts, confusion, pain in this area.

Anyways, I just wanted to say hi, and that I got some comfort from reading your post.

About your post, I relate to feeling like sometimes I'm not "one of them" and feeling like a weakling when I think about how I'm "gay-identified". It's hard. I've gotten to know a good number of gay folks and have seen aspects of their personalities that made me realize they're just normal people, just in different circumstances than the majority. A lot of the extreme feminine behavior displayed by some gay males is caused by their identifying with a pre-existing gay role, I think, and I think it brings people comfort to go down a path that's already been worn (at least it is for me...which is why I've played the pseudo-flaming gay role at certain points). This helps me make sense of partially why (some, not all!) gay people act so differently than your average straight men.

That said, I think I, and other non-straight people, experience life very differently than do straight people. I find myself angry at all these differences and hardships that exist merely because, for whatever reason, we prefer the same sex. I'm a bit depressed at the moment, have been dating a guy off-and-on for two years who is much older, more experienced, and from New York (thinks being gay is much more normal, run-of-the-mill than I do)... and he doesn't understand a lot of my difficult feelings about being gay. There's lots of tension between us and much of it has to do with my ambivalence about being with him and a number of aspects about myself. I'm searching for answers, clarity, and comfort, but can't seem to achieve any of it.

Anyways.... I hope you find some peace with yourself and find yourself on a path that brings you fulfillment. I'd love to talk to ya sometime about things if you want.

Take care,

-M

 

I think if you did go the the LGBT group you may be surprised at how many "normal" looking people there are there. It is not necessarily going to be full of outrageous people whooping it up .. I'd give it a chance !!

 

Here's my simple response. Take it or leave it.

You must unlearn everything you have learned.
- Yoda

You've been probably indoctrinated that gay is wrong. Its not and you need to realize that it isn't. I know it takes time, but really, you will recognize that fact, hopefully we can get you to realize that sooner than later.

 

In my experience, a good way of dealing with negative feelings of any kind, but especially fear, is to analyze them and determine why you are having the feelings you are. Then attack the reason for the feeling with logic and reason.

You mention feeling that dating a guy makes you weak. To that I would point out that there are many gay soldiers, athletes, construction workers, etc. who are quite tough - and who date other guys, or are in committed relationships with other guys. A bit of online research can turn up various examples.

If you like sports, you might also check out Outsports.com, which is sort of like a gay Sports Illustrated. From there you can also often find listings for various gay amateur sports teams, including rugby, flag football, etc. the idea being that seeing that there are gay guys who routinely do pretty tough stuff while being gay may help knock down the perception in your mind that being gay = weakness.

You might identify and attack the other sources of the negative feelings you associate with being gay in a similar fashion.

Hope this helps,

Todd