This isn't something I've consciously thought of as a problem up until now, since the number of times I've had sex I can count on one hand, just about, but lately have been wondering if it's possible to be able to be intimate with someone without the help of alcohol. It's not that I get plastered every time, just a beer or shot to relax the nerves. The issues come in when I consider how detached and defensive I'm normally around others, and it's difficult to let my guard down, even with those closest to me. On one hand, I'd like to, but on the other, experience has shown that people take advantage of that, and I end up getting hurt, more often than not. It will probably be a lengthy process, but one that should be well worth the effort in the end. I don't want to become reliant on substances just to be able to express myself and let others in, but don't exactly have the knowledge or motivation to change that right now. Old habits die hard, but if I can nip this problem in the bud, it would take a load of potential future relationship troubles off the mind.
Perhaps the issue doesn't lie with trying to have sex while being sober, but trying to relax yourself without consuming alcohol? The latter sounds like a better road to success in the long road, at any rate.
Yes, its more than that, I just decided to use that as an example since its probably the most prominent example right now, and has caused major problems between me and my exes in the past. Either way, it comes down to the same goal, trying to relax without alcohol, like you've said. It seems even when I'm not trying, I repel people... So in the end, I either want to be close to someone, and don't know how, or someone wants to get close to me, but I won't let them in. Any other ideas?
Oh wow, I have to admit that I'm in the same exact position as you. I too have a hard time letting my guard down. I seriously think that it just boils down to trust issues and afraid to get hurt. That we obviously agree on, but how do we overcome it? Obviously my post isn't that helpful but just know you're not alone!
Sometimes I'll give the other person "tests" to prove their trustworthiness, or wait for them to reveal some soft spot or vital piece of information. It isn't full proof, not by a long shot, but it's one way that others have gotten me to lower my guard. Usually, they're those people who know the ins-and-outs of manipulation, and can easily weave through interactions. It's draining, and I don't usually become fully comfortable with most people until months later. And yeah, in the past, I was a lot more naive and trusting of others. A lot of early childhood memories revolve around trying to become friends with someone, or making extreme changes just to fit in. Being jaded and solitary isn't much of an improvement, is it? We're just switching one extreme for another.
