hm, I don't really know how to start. I've been reading here for a while now, different threads; even old ones, and there's one thing that really frustrates me: Do I as a gay guy always have to be afraid that my partner will cheat on me? Reading here just gave me the impression that there's no monogamy in the gay world which I just find more than disgusting, as I would never cheat on my partner. never! Especially when it comes to sex, being in a LTR I would like to have sex without condoms (anal/bj) once we got tested together. I just wana be able to trust my partner. Before I came out I never had any doubts/fears about my girlfriend being unfaithful; we had sex without condoms after a few months. At the moment I'm just frustrated with the "gay-world"
no dont have to be afraid, you can find someone who is looking for a LTR. Alot of the forums you've been reading are from people who use hook up apps, self explanatory really if you think about it.
Hm. Various thoughts here, some of which you'll probably like, some of which you definitely won't. First off, there is plenty of monogamy in the gay world if that's what you're looking for. I've been in a monogamous relationship for 17yrs now. The main thing is to make it clear what you're looking for and finding someone with compatible feelings on the matter. That said... Lack of monogamy is hardly exclusive to the gay world (sorry). I worked for a time in a call center making medical appts for military members and their families. Every time a carrier group came in off deployment the following happened: A) a flurry of women calling to get Pap smears so they could renew their birth control before their husband got off the ship. B) a flurry of appts for pregnancy testing or pregnancy within a few weeks of the fleet getting in. C) a flurry of appts for treatment of STDs, usually from the wife who stayed home and then caught something from her husband that he got while cheating on her while on deployment. However, there were always several in which the roles were reversed and the husband on deployment caught something from his wife who stayed home. In the case of HIV you are basically saying that you are willing to bet your life (or at least the quality of your life) for the sake of some romantic warm and fuzzy notions about faithfulness. Which seems like a very unbalanced equation in my view. Human beings cheat. Human beings lie. Human beings get drunk and do things they regret later and then don't tell their boyfriend because they are ashamed or in denial. You can either decide that acknowledging these facts is so uncomfortable that you'd rather risk your life or you can acknowledge the truth of how the world works and act accordingly. In some ways this reminds me of people who believe in handshake agreements because a written contract implies a lack of trust. The world is littered with the wrecked lives of such people, all of them saying that they just never thought it could happen to them. On a final note, while it's nice that you trusted your girlfriend regarding STDs, you didn't actually completely stop using protection. You just stopped wearing condoms. I'm betting she continued using birth control to prevent pregnancy. Straights are traditionally more concerned with unwanted pregnancies than STDs after all. Which is another reason it can seem that straights are so much more 'trustworthy'. They are mainly concerned with different things. Your girlfriend continued to take responsibility for safe sex after you stopped, she was just protecting against a different condition. I totally trust my partner and, as mentioned we've been monogamous for almost 20yrs now. But neither of us would ever consider barebacking. Todd
Todd pretty much took the words out of my mouth. Here's another piece of the puzzle: It is likely true that cheating occurs more among the gay community, because, as I like to say, gay men have all the same emotional baggage that straight men have, but we get an "extra serving" of baggage as a result of the internalized homophobia we have as a result of the messages we get from the media, society, organized religion, sometimes our parents, and so forth. So the extra baggage often impacts gay men as shame, which, in turn, manifests as insecurity and a sense that we aren't good enough, don't belong, and/or aren't worthy of beling loved. This sense is often unconscious, and can manifest as seeking out "proof" that we are worthy/beautiful/loveable by having sex, or, alternatively, by an unconscous sense that we don't deserve a healthy relationship, which can manifest as an unconscious desire to push the relationship away before the other person does... which can also cause the person to go and cheat. Keep in mind all of this is usually below conscious awareness; it happens in spite of a conscious desire to stay with one's partner and to be honest and faithful. Now, of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but some aspects of it are usually present in most relationships. And that also doesn't mean that relationships can't work long term, but it does mean that in most cases, both parties need to be willing to learn to communicate fully and deeply with one another, to be vulnerable with one another, and to actively do the self-work necessary to grow and heal. And condoms are just common-sense measures. Not only do they prevent the spread of life-threatening STIs such as HIV, but they provide an extra level of protection against urinary tract infections, and they simply make things less messy. And the perceptual difference between using a condom and not using one, if they are used correctly, is pretty much indistinguishable.
yeah...as I said it's frustrating. maybe I'm just overly romantic/old-fashioned. It's not that much about not using condoms. it's more about trust, commitment etc anyway....I'll get used to it. maybe
