My boyfriend and I have been living together for ten yrs, he has a "best straight friend" who does not know my boyfriend is Gay, and my boyfriend does not want to and won't tell him,okay, so here is my dilemma, My partner and I have been living together in a gay relationship for 10 years, in these ten years, he will not come out to his friend or stepfather, I have said that if he wants to go out or away it can be with his mother or sister or friends that know of us and we can share great memories together. He on the other hand travels on his own when he wants. Only this time he said his straight friend who apparently does not know he is in a gay relationship or is gay, wants him to go to malaysia with him and his wife for 9 days. Therefore I cannot go with him. I am upset at this because he is going, I have not been to Malaysia and we had agreed to travel together from 2014, I wanted to do a trip their with him but he is going with his straight friend, he did say I could go with him to singapore where he would be for a day but then he would be going further on his own. I think I look and act more straight than he does and wonder what is in his head about this. He has said he wants to go to Brazil with me, I said no,….we will not travel together again, ever, if he is embarassed about me or being gay there is nothing, I don't need a relationship where I am the loser. Am I wrong? I want to leave him because of this. I am tired of being on the back burner. I personally think I am not in a relationship anymore. I personally feel I do not want a relationship with him. I do not know how to get out of this friendship. I do not like being treated this way. I am beginning to dislike him immensely and need to get away I am looking to move but it is so expensive and I will not be able to afford it on my own so I think, but won't know till I try. If I move he can have his friend, it is not jealousy but a matter of being respected. And …. being proud of whom he is. If your friend does not accept you for whom you are then they are not welcome as a friend and if you want to hide it from your friends and hide me then I should leave……am I wrong? Am I being childish? This friend has been friends with him for 13 yrs Should I just let it go and let him carry on doing whatever without me
Hi BGD, welcome to EC! This kind of thing is an issue for a lot of people so hopefully I'll be able to say something to help you along with it a bit. What a relationship needs to be able to work is a compromise. A compromise between what you want and what your partner wants. If he is in the closet, then that is probably because he is uncomfortable or he thinks that there will be a negative consequence if he comes out (like his straight friend might not want to be with him anymore). It's a tough situation to be in because you both seemingly want different things. Personally, I agree that he shouldn't deliberately hide your relationship. It is fine not to tell everyone (I haven't come out to everyone I know, for instance) but sometimes it is important to tell other people because you clearly feel bad about it. Have you talked about how you're feeling with him? Have you told him that you are looking to move away? Obviously, he is a free person and so, if he wants to go on a trip on his own occasionally, that is fine but he should also make an effort to be with you. Otherwise, how will your relationship develop? He needs to respect this. But also you need to respect that it is difficult to come out to people (especially someone you've known for 13 years!) and try to be patient with him. However, it has been 10 years since you started dating! That's a long time and I think it's perfectly reasonable that your patience is starting to wear thin. Sorry, I've kind of rambled on but the point I'm trying to make is that you need to work together to find a solution here. I think you two need a very serious talk and that he should find more time to be with you. It would be a shame to ruin your relationship because being together for 10 years should be something to celebrate and be really happy about. Good luck.
Hi and Thanks for the reply, yes I have spoken to him about it on many an occassion, just seems that he wants to do what he wants and to heck with the rest, if this person calls he goes out of his way to please him, last year october he flew to arabia to be his best man at his wedding then the guy calls him two weeks after he had been there with them for three weeks and wants him to go on honeymoon with them and the matron of honor. dunno, maybe it is time to move on for me. Heck I came out to my best friend in Africa after 20 yrs he has not spoken to me since, but I did it so I could have my guy and him meet. To me if someone cannot accept then they should move on he did not accept and we both moved on. No need to be sorry for rambling, just did not know who to talk to about this. Once again Thanks for the reply.
I was just reading this interesting article about the pitfalls to cohabitation before marriage (obviously geared to straight couples, but still useful), and what you describe is very similar. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/o...ting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 I think you need to be firm and just set an ultimatum that things have to change, starting with your boyfriend acknowledging you as his partner to his best friend. 10 years is a very, very long time such that you two seem more like roommates or friends with benefits than a loving couple. Probably one of the most concrete things you can do is move out, so you aren't constantly reminded of this dysfunctional relationship. It may seem expensive, but right now your boyfriend has no incentive to do things differently. You're like his mistress, a "kept woman" who does not have an independent life. Also, is his friend homophobic? If he's not, maybe you could come out to him (assuming he is trustworthy) and say that you are upset that your boyfriend is so scared.
