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Was this borderline rape?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Rakkaus, Jan 27, 2014.

  1. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

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    Alright so last April, I posted this thread about an emotional rollercoaster I went on with an online "date" that turned out really badly. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gener...6-went-emotional-rollercoaster-yesterday.html

    Just now I got to thinking about it again in response to a thread on online dating where I posted it as a warning...but my mind lately really has been flashbacking to that whole episode a lot.

    Not to rehash the whole nightmare, but to sum up, I'll repeat what I said in the Online Dating thread:

    One of us was barely 18, the other was 22. One of us was very confident and outgoing, not to mention very sexually experienced and promiscuous, while the other was shy and scared and inexperienced. One of us manipulated, verbally and physically abused, and basically forced sexual activity upon the other...and I was the other, aged 22 and being taken advantage of and preyed upon by a teenager.

    It was to be our second date, after a first date that had gone seemingly normal, even though the manipulation started then.

    Basically this guy lied to me from the outset, he told me we were going on a shopping date in Manhattan and meet at the train stop by his house, then he texted me that he had to take a shower so come wait inside his house, I foolishly went in and told him I'll wait in the hallway, but he insisted I come into his bedroom and of course he actually intended us to stay in there.

    Now once he lied to get me inside his house he manipulated me. At the time, and even for a long time after that, I didn't realize it, but he was.

    While in the beginning everything seemed okay and we were just playing nice, a little kissing I was okay with, we got dressed up in drag, seemed like things were fun if a little odd. I was still hoping we were going to go shopping, I definitely did not want or expect to have sex with him.

    But then something 'switched' inside him, and he began verbally and physically harassing me. Again, not to rehash the whole story, he basically called me ugly, worthless, told me I should kill myself, he grabbed me in a headlock and said he was going to strangle me to death. And I just played along mindlessly telling myself that is what I want as a submissive boy wanting to make him happy.

    Throughout the whole experience he kept mocking me saying I must be a virgin, and I was desperate to prove that I wasn't, even though I basically was and was afraid of going too far sexually since I wanted my first time to be special to be with a boyfriend I had grown to love.

    However by far my most vivid memory of that experience, the one that keeps replaying in my mind, was when he forcefully crushed and pinned my body under his knees and forced me to give him a blowjob. A very forceful blowjob that was quite unpleasant and uncomfortable for me, with him basically thrusting his dick back-and-forth deep into my throat getting hairs all in my mouth, and smacking me with his dick and hands when I tried to get a breath and take the hairs out, forcing me to lick his balls. And then he came into my mouth.

    (There was never any reciprocal sex or anything, he never blew me or anything, I never orgasmed or anything in any way; after he came into my mouth, he went back to just generally abusing me, saying he got what he wanted and I was all used up.)

    It just made me feel so degraded, pathetic, and worthless.

    At the time, and for a long time after that, I had convinced myself that that was what I wanted, that I had enjoyed it, I want to be a submissive boy who just wants to make a man happy. That is what I want. But I want to be submissive to a man who loves me and protects me, a man who is dominant but who still respects me, I want to make that man happy. Not a man who abuses and degrades me. I guess I'm just so desperate for love and affection that I blinded myself to what was really going on.

    When, soon after this occurred, I told this story in a group therapy session I go to, I was bewildered as to why we spent 3 whole group sessions talking all about this one story of mine. But now I understand why.

    Any time I think back to what happened, being naked and helpless spread out on his bed being forced to have his dick thrusting and cumming into my mouth, I just feel so disgusted and degraded. I'll be sitting at work and the memory will just pop into my head, and I'll want to go rinse my mouth out with Listerine, it's like I want to detach my mouth from my body, I'm disgusted by it.

    I just feel so embarrassed at the idea of being a 22-year-old who allowed myself to be manipulated, lied to, abused, forced into sex acts by a teenager. As it turned out, he had even lied about his age. You have to be 18 to even use the app I met him on, which is the age he claimed he was, at the end of all that he revealed that he is actually 17 turning 18 next month. 17 is the legal age of consent in New York State, so that's not the issue, though I still feel pangs of guilt that people must think I was a sexual predator taking advantage of a teenager, I was the rapist.

    I was too ashamed to even admit it at the time, but he had even manipulated me into buying him cigarettes. I told him no, that's not good for your health, it would be wrong, again he mocked me saying I act like a virgin, and saying "don't you want to make me happy?" So I did it. He said he had dropped his money and would pay me back later. On our first date he also ordered a big expensive brownie dessert and frappuccino drink at the cafe we had gone to, he said he had forgotten his money, I paid and he said he would repay me later. I was unemployed then and had no income, but I spent about $30 altogether on him that he never repaid.

    But whatever, the money is a pittance, I'm ashamed of everything I did, but what haunts me are the memories of me basically being sprawled naked on the bed forced to give my first blowjob ever to a guy basically pinning me down with his full weight on my chest, a guy I barely even knew who was verbally and physically assaulting me.

    Do I really even have the right to feel like a victim when I was 22 and he was a teenager? I feel like such a pathetic fool, that I deserved to be degraded.

    Sorry again to rehash what is by now an old story, but 10 months later, the way my mind is recalling the whole series of events really has evolved, I've finally admitted to myself and now to you the dirty details I recall so vividly, I just feel so disgusted with myself, and flashbacks just keep haunting me now.
     
    #1 Rakkaus, Jan 27, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2014
  2. finlandwrc

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    Well you shouldn't feel ashamed of what you did you didn't do anything wrong there was nothing you could do except not go to the date and you would go because it seemed normal.
     
  3. TJ

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    This was a very shocking post to read. I'm very sorry that this happened to you - I never knew. :/
    To answer the title of your thread - yes. I think it is, but I'm not a legal expert.
    I'm sure someone who knows the logistics of that will come along and tell you what you should know.
    Do you have any interest in finding this guy and reporting him to the police? I think you owe it to yourself and to any other possible victims of this kid to report him to the authorities.

    ---

    Erik, I'm not surprised that you feel the way you do, or that you have the flashbacks that you do.
    That was incredibly traumatic for you, even if you didn't realize it at first. :frowning2: You have probably heard this already, but you're nothing of what he said.
    You're not worthless. You don't deserve to be degraded. What he said and did was wrong. You were a victim of a really screwed up kid, and you're at no fault.

    Man... I'm 17. I don't know what I can do or what advice I can give in this situation, but I know that I can give my undying love and support to a fellow EC member who I've known for so long, and hope that you go to the police.

    Much love to you man. We're here for you.
     
  4. Hey Rakkaus,
    I don't have any advice, but I wanted to give you a big hug. This guy sounds like a total wack job and you did nothing wrong here. A person can be a victim whether the perpetrator is younger or older, doesn't matter.

    I have been through a number of these incidents and have chalked it up to them taking advantage of me. I'm not too sure about your case (other than the obvious emotional abuse) if this would be considered rape, so I will leave it up to other members. Again, I'm so sorry for what you went through, I hope the other posters can provide better advice.
     
  5. resu

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    Yes, it's obvious that it was this sexual predator (no matter his age) who raped you, and honestly, you should report him before he does the same thing to other unsuspecting guys. You are not a fool, and since he was physically violent, you were fearful of the consequences of not cooperating.

    Think of it this way, if you were a girl, even a college-aged girl, and a high school aged boy physically forced you to give him a blowjob, I think a lot of people, straight or gay, would call it rape.
     
  6. Chip

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    Rakkaus.

    Very first thing: (*hug*)

    First, knowing what I know from what you've said about your situation and your family, it is absolutely, positively possible that someone younger than you could have taken (and did take) advantage of you. Age has nothing to do with it; you've grown up in an environment where you've been completely disempowered your entire life, and this guy picked up on your personality and took advantage of it. You should not feel pathetic, stupid, or foolish; people have different experiences, and differing levels of maturity and self-sufficiency depending on their home life and other factors, and this person clearly was cunning and manipulative, while you were simply not worldly enough to figure out what was going on. That's not anything to be ashamed of; it's simply a lack of experience and there are plenty of others your age (and substantially older) with the same lack of experience in those settings. You weren't the aggressor, you didn't take advantage of him. He took advantage of you.

    Second, there is no question that what happened was unwanted sexual activity. You were not given the opportunity to give consent, you did not give consent, and you did not voluntarily participate. It would definitely meet the standard for rape in some states (and should in all states, but that's a different story.)

    Separately from the above, it's normal for survivors of sexual assault to create powerful rationalizations, without their even having conscious awareness of doing so, that serve to "protect" them from acknowledging the horror of the assault they were subjected to. It's also common to blame oneself, saying you could have done this-or-that-or-the-other differently. But the truth is... you were up against a skillful manipulator who knew exactly how to get what he wanted. You didn't stand much of a chance, and many your age or older would have found themselves in the same circumstances.

    It's really hard to own when we're in these sorts of situations and out of control, because it can make us feel helpless and worthless. But the truth is... all of us have strengths and weaknesses, and the shady people in the world are really good at identifying and manipulating the weaknesses of others. Corporations do this just as much as humans. It's unfortunately the world we live in.

    What you can do is to love yourself, and stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, and you did the best you could, under the circumstances, with what you had given how your parents have brought you up. And you can talk about it -- as you're doing -- because the shame can't survive being exposed to the light.

    We all learn lessons as a result of being taken advantage of. It sucks and it's fucked up, but it happens. You're already a very different person than you were last year. And I think if you keep opening up about these things, talking about them, and thinking about them... you'll continue to see positive change in yourself.
     
  7. skiff

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    Hi,

    Keep in mind this incident says nothing about you and screams volumes about him.

    My only concern is that his behaviour harmed you and possibly diminished your ability to enjoy oral sex into the future.

    Whatever he did was his fantasy not yours and I hope you place shame and disgust in him where it belongs.

    Also keep in mind the hateful things he spewed at you he was really hurling at himself. He loathes himself and you became his surrogate self.

    This is totally not about you.

    Tom
     
  8. Rakkaus

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    Yeah I mean if a 15-year-old boy raped a 25-year-old woman, that would certainly still be considered rape on the boy's part.

    But I guess the age thing combined with the gay thing just makes it all seem so so blurry, like I am the bad guy. I don't think any accusation I make would ever get taken seriously.

    Like after telling them my whole horror story, the first time in group therapy I mentioned that this guy, who had told me he was 18, turned out to be 17, the therapist was like "isn't that rape?" on my part, that comment really stung and turned me off from that therapist, I ultimately stopped going to those groups.

    Basically being accused of being a rapist is not something I am accustomed to, and it really bothered me after that, I can't even imagine ever forcing myself sexually upon anyone, I'm so against rape. (And I'm between 5'6 and 5'7, 110 lbs and naturally passive and submissive, I'm just like totally physically and mentally incapable of rape). But that attitude has really made the whole experience even worse for me, I feel like I am the bad guy, I'm a horrible person. So the group therapy added more guilt and shame for me about the whole incident, after being accused of rape I cried when I got home from that group meeting.

    (And for the record 17 is the age of consent in New York. I would have thought a therapist at an LGBT center in New York would have a clue about the state's laws regarding sexual consent, but she and the whole group were making me feel like I raped an underage boy because a 17-year-old forced me to give him a blowjob.

    For the next group I even printed out and brought in a copy of Part 3, Title H, Article 130, Section 5 of the New York State Penal Code, Clause 3 of which clearly defines a person as being incapable of consent if they are "less than seventeen years old", just to prove them wrong on that point. Her response was "what are you, a lawyer now"?)

    But anyway, that's all besides the point, if there was anyone non-consenting in that sexual episode it sure as hell wasn't the 17-year-old. As I said, I never came, I never even got hard or anything, it was just all about pleasuring him.

    I was just so taken aback of being accused of rape after the horror story I had described in which I was physically and verbally abused and forced into sexual activity, it's like I felt if anyone was raped by a predator, it was me. But apparently other people see things differently, and just look at ages, and this is another big reason why I'm so uncomfortable talking about the story.

    So it's like nobody would ever take seriously a 22, now 23-year-old man (even if I don't look or act like a 'man') claiming he was raped by a 17-year-old boy. I would have no idea who to even tell. My parents have no idea what happened, nor would I ever in a million years want them to know. It's just such an embarrassing story I'm so ashamed of, it's taken nearly 10 months for me to even feel comfortable sharing the details of it here in a relatively anonymous online forum.
     
  9. Chip

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    Your therapist in group said this, and accused you of rape? I'm almost speechless. I've seen a lot of incompetence in the therapy room, but those two remarks almost set a new standard for inappropriate. I can imagine how it must have felt to be in that room, in that cicrcumstance, after you'd made yourself vulnerable speaking about the situation. That was definitely a sanctionable action if it had been reported to the state licensing board.

    The whole nature of shame is the idea that we're fundamentally bad and unworthy of love and belonging. When we share our stories in a setting that's supposed to be safe such as the therapy room or even here at EC, we expect, need, and deserve to be listened to without judgment, heard, and understood. Empathy is the antidote to shame, and when we tell our stories and people can relate, it helps us to understand that we're not alone, we're not bad, and others have been in similar situations.

    As far as reporting it... as horrible as it is, I can't honestly recommend reporting it at this point. Acquaintance rape, particularly when it involves a gay person, rarely gets seriously investigated. That's part out-and-out prejudice and homophobia on the part of the officers taking the reports, and part the recognition that it's near impossible to get convictions on those sorts of situations... which is why people get away with them.

    It's a really good thing that you are feeling comfortable enough to share it. And I think you really do need to remind yourself that you really couldn't have done anything different, given who you are and how you've been raised, and you certainly didn't do anything wrong, or anything to justify what he did.

    You are a capable and intelligent person who simply got taken advantage of by a manipulative and, likely, sociopathic person who happens to have been younger than you. It doesn't make you a bad person, and as hard as it may be to see it at this moment, there's nothing to be ashamed of in admitting what happened and talking about it.
     
  10. Rakkaus

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    Well fortunately she's not my therapist per se, she's just the head of the mental health dept at my LGBT center. She has a very harsh and abrasive attitude, so I guess I've been lucky to always be consigned to meeting with the intern social workers since she was never willing to meet with me.

    There have been other occasions where she has left me feeling really badly. One time, the social worker I had been seeing for months left, weeks went by where I wasn't seeing any therapist, I fell into bad depression, I went to the LGBT center looking like the wreck that I was hoping to meet with her or at least ask her when the new social worker would arrive, but she totally snubbed me when I tried to talk to her, I walked toward her hoping to speak to her and all she said was a quick "hi how are you" and walked past me. (Coincidentally, later that day I ended up in the hospital with water intoxication, I drink a lot of water when am depressed.)

    The next time my second social worker left, he told me that he gave my number to the mental health coordinator and told her how bad and suicidal I was feeling, and she would contact me as soon as a new social worker were hired. Of course she never did. After about a month with no therapist and feeling snubbed so badly I didn't even want to go back to the LGBT center for any activities, I finally worked up the courage to go back there and ask someone else at the center about meeting with one of the new therapists who had started there weeks earlier.

    But yeah, enough about her. The only interactions I've had with her was because she ran this small group I would attend weekly. And yes, she just casually accused me of being a rapist when I told the group this whole story. Apparently to her it was no big deal to accuse someone of rape, but it hurt me very badly. I stopped going to the group and I never had the courage to tell her why (and tbh I didn't want to rehash the subject of her accusing me of raping an underage guy).

    So for the group therapy sessions spent discussing my story, whatever help they might have provided, were totally overshadowed by this casual accusation that I'm guilty of rape, it really struck me very hard so I cried that night. I would never rape anyone, I would never take advantage of someone younger than me, it's just not who I am. Just having gone through what I went to, I feel like I've almost been raped myself, it's such a horrible feeling, I would never wish that upon anyone, I hate rape, so really that whole accusation, by a therapist I was hoping would provide comfort and love, hurt me almost as badly as the incident itself.

    Well I really could use some empathy and support, I thank the EC community for trying its best to provide that, even though sharing my story in the therapy room made me feel worse about everything.

    Well I don't really have any plans to report it, as I said I would have no idea how to even report it or who to tell.

    And I started this thread because I'm not even sure whether it actually was rape. It was only oral sex, he was younger, and I had voluntarily gone into his house, does that even count as rape? Or just a bad experience?

    Well I still feel really ashamed and embarrassed to even be talking about it. I started that thread right after it happened, and it took 10 months for me to fill in the sordid details that really bothered me the most. :icon_redf
     
  11. Pret Allez

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    No, it's not borderline. From what you described, it was rape, and a pretty violent one at that. It's not like you got "nagged" until you broke down. He applied force to you.

    I'm deeply sorry that happened. I think it's the worst thing a person can do to someone else.

    All this makes me so sad. It seems like people describe events like this that are so clear, and yet "did I get raped" is a real question... The rape culture is so engrained... Wow...


    Also, this terrifies me. I am very worried that this will happen to me, too.
     
  12. Rakkaus

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    Well I guess it's just hard for me to even the process the idea of being raped. I mean, like I said, it was only oral sex, it wasn't like I was anally raped. And at the time, and for a long time after, I had convinced myself that I actually wanted to do it anyway, even though I was forced to do it. But I really didn't want to do it, it was just disgusting, all I remember is choking on his dick and getting all his nasty public hairs in my mouth, and I couldn't even catch a breath and remove the hairs without getting smacked by him.

    But don't let this terrify you. It happened to me because I was stupid, naïve, and pathetic, just so desperate for love and affection that I blinded myself to reality and put myself into this kind of situation in the first place.

    You are an athlete and you carry a knife for protection don't you? I'm so pathetic, I'm 110 lbs and have zero muscles, I didn't stand a chance attempting to physically resist this 17-year-old, when I tried to resist when he had me in a headlock earlier he only laughed so I just gave up. I'm just totally helpless and defenseless. :tears:
     
  13. Chip

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    I'm sure you've heard the endless discussions here of the 5 stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance)... well, they apply to rape survivors as well. Again, not always in consistent or even sequential order, but they're very much a part of processing the event. Our minds rationalize and convince us because it's easier to accept that we either let it happen, wanted it to happen, or were in some way to blame than it is to admit we were helpless and taken advantage of... but that's pretty much what it is, and that's pretty clearly what happened to you. The fact it was "only" oral makes no difference; it's still rape. And none of the other things that your mind cooks up to rationalize it change that either.

    I'm not saying this to make you wrong in any way, but to help you understand the process that most survivors go through in coming to terms with what's happened, so that you can let go of self-blame and see it for what it was.

    And the chief of mental health at your LGBT center... should be fired, and probably should have her license revoked. But that's another issue. If you want help filing a formal complaint against her, let me know, because it sounds like she's in a position to harm a *lot* of people and that isn't good.

    It is really, really important, in terms of understanding rape and rape culture that I make a correction here: Being stupid, naive, pathetic, desperate for love and affection, or even blinding oneself to reality (none of which, by the way, are actually true about you with the possible exception of maybe a bit naive) DOES NOT give anyone permission to sexually violate another person. You could walk into his room wearing the most provacative clothes in existence, or no clothes at all, and if you did not give consent for sex, then it is rape. End of discussion.

    One of the most damaging things about rape, and about many people's perception of it, is this idea that somehow the victim is responsible for the rape. And that simply isn't true, because rape is a crime of violence, and there is absolutely no justification or rationalization for it whatsoever.

    (I'll get flamed by anti-rape activists for saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway.) Nothing you say, do, wear grants any permission for rape, nor justifies it, but there are precautions one can take to reduce risk. You absolutely should not have to do this, and it's wrong that you do. So while how you conduct yourself, dress, where you go, what you say, how you act should not and do not have any impact on making you responsible for anything that happens, the reality is, that in today's society, you can take proactive, defensive steps to reduce future risks. I'm sure you have already thought about this... I just wanted to get the concept out there for others reading this thread.

    And you should not have had to defend yourself. That's the important thing in not accepting any of the "blame" for this event. What he did was wrong, and whether or not you were 250 pounds and 6'4 of solid muscle, or 110 pounds and skinny... does not change the fact that it wasn't OK, and it wasn't your fault.

    There are, however, defensive strategies if you ever find yourself in that place again. One I learned, in a class that taught physical safety and risk reduction with regard to rape, was that once the man's genitals are exposed, grabbing his testes and squeezing as hard as you can is a guaranteed way to stop the attack. My instructor described human male testes as about the consistency of a very ripe apricot, and visually demonstrated the sort of squeeze. Every guy in the room got the message immediately... anyone subjected to that would be on the floor, unable to move, for probably half an hour, plenty of time to get out of there.

    In any case, all of that aside, there's one last thing I want to come back to: You're neither weak, pathetic, helpless or defenseless. In the environment you've grown up in, unfortunately your parents have largely conditioned you to believe this, but it isn't true.

    One of my closest friends is 5'4, and until very recently, weighed about 110 pounds -- not far off of you. (He's since worked out and built up some weight, but that's irrelevant to this story.) He looked tiny and unassuming, and people might assume he'd be an easy mark. But when he opens his mouth, he can be fierce and intimidating, and he's been in environments with people a foot taller than he is, with huge muscles... and he's easily held his own. It's all about attitude, self-confidence, and overcoming internalized shame and self-esteem issues.

    It might seem impossible to you... but it's not. As I said, simply by having this conversation, you're changing yourself. You're engaging, hopefully listening, considering different interpretations of yourself and your situaition... and all of those things, over time, rewire your brain and change your self perceptions, and how others perceive you.

    The most important piece is working on believing in yourself. You didn't do anything wrong in this situation. You can learn from it, you now have at least one means of defense (there are many others), and I hope you can see that you can continue to better yourself, learn to stand up for yourself, and end up in a much happier and self-sufficient place in the world. :slight_smile:
     
  14. AudreyB

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    Rakkaus, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Yes, this was rape, open-and-shut. God forbid you ever find yourself in a similar situation, please help other potential victims by pressing charges against your assailant. I hope you have someone to talk to about what you went through. Feel free to post on my wall if you need a receptive ear. Maybe I can't empathize (I was once forcefully penetrated by my best friend, but we were both nine at the time so doesn't seem at all like the same thing), but I can sympathize.


    I'll confess to fantasizing about this sort of scenario. However, I'm also prudent enough to recognize the vast gulf which separates fantasy and reality. It's also the reason I am terrified of ever exploring my (possible) attraction to men. Should my date even whim to get aggressive or forceful, I wouldn't stand a chance of defending myself. I'll probably have to confine my desires for men to fantasy. :frowning2:
     
  15. Rakkaus, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I too had a bad ordeal when I was only 13, I wish I could give you any advice but I'm still haunted by it 12 years later. :frowning2:
     
  16. Pret Allez

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    I am sure that it is hard to process the idea. I think we like to think of the just world theory: I'm a good person, this can't be happening to me. But it did. You were raped. But you survived, and that's the important thing. I have read some chilling stories of rape here, and other survivors asked the same question. "Was I raped?" Here's one story: a gay man agrees to have a sexual encounter with another man. He's receptive, and he wants to try anal intercourse. His top penetrates him, but the top is not going slowly enough to let him adjust. He asks the top to slow down. At this point, the top has to comply or consent should be considered withdrawn. Instead of complying, the top responds by applying force to hold him down and pushes his penis in even harder. So he comes to the forum to ask us: "was this rape?" It was, so very clearly. But, he tells us, "I orgasmed." That doesn't matter. The receptive partner asked the top to slow down because it was hurting him, and he refused...

    It doesn't matter that it was "only oral" either. He choked you. That's just as violent and painful as if he had hurt your anal sphincter and/or rectum. Furthermore, it was a dangerous situation for you.

    You did nothing to deserve this.


    You and I both know I wouldn't have a knife to protect me while I'm having sex with a guy. If I am being penetrated, I'm probably in a helpless and submissive position where I can easily be restrained. And being a long-distance runner does not translate into being strong of arms. All men are vulnerable with other men. That's because, whether we want to realize it or not, male-bodied people are inherently dangerous.

    You shouldn't feel pathetic or like you deserved this. He can't rob you of your dignity forever.
     
  17. myheartincheck

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    I am so sorry to hear about this! I remembered awhile ago you had mentioned you were excited about getting together with a friend to do drag but dont know if this is the same guy.

    There is no doubt in my mind that you were raped. Rapists are most often someone we know who take advantage of the situation and manipulate us. He has also physically, verbally, and mentally abused you. May I suggest a new therapist? If they were any kind of professional they would not amplify your already strong feelings of guilt.

    Age doesnt matter. Any age can rape or sexually abuse. He was old enough to know what he was doing. You did nothing wrong. You trusted him, and now that trust has been broken. Unfortunately people sense and take advantage of passive people.

    I have also been sexually abused, and it took me a very long time to realize it because he was my boyfriend at the time and I was very naive. I admire your ability to be so open and detailled about the abuse already! Im very proud of you! It took me a long time to acknowledge it for what it was as I was in shock. Youre a survivor my man! We both are! Also the abuse accounted for my first and only sexual experiences as well.

    Alittle about my experience, I was raped by my boyfriend anally in his grandmas backyard on the 4th of July. At the time I hadnt accepted my sexual orientation either so I dated a couple of guys and with him, it was unprotected and unlubricated anal and he was well endowed so it was excruciatingly painful and I couldnt complain cuz he didnt care. He didnt warn me he just took my pants off and I was in shock because I couldnt believe what was happening but when I tried to stop him he got very angry.

    It was a horrible experience and I didnt feel I could escape because he threatened suicide when I wanted to break up so I dealt with the mental, verbal, and sexual abuse. For years after I experienced panic attacks that never seemed to end, and the first friend I told about this was my best friend. She was kind about it and I fll in love with her, so I was dealing with the abuse, my orientation, and unrequited love. I was anxiety central.

    Just remember to let yourself grieve, talk it out, get GOOD support, and dont blame yourself. It may not seem like it but youll become stronger for this. Youll learn to love yourself and have more respect for you. You will know the red flags.

    I know I cant help as much as I'd like too, but remember youre a survivor... not a victom. Your story mayme help someone going through this. Take care of yourself during this time!

    God bless and godspeed my friend! :slight_smile:
     
    #17 myheartincheck, Jan 30, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2014
  18. This isn't borderline rape. This is rape and physical assault. I'd get a therapist that specializes in trauma and, if you're comfortable with it, report him. It's never too late. I'm sorry this happened to you. Best of luck.
     
  19. flymetothemoon

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    Legally, depending on the definition of rape in your state, this may be rape. If not, it is at the VERY least sexual assault and abuse. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you feel like you were somehow responsible for this because you are older, you are inexperienced, etc, etc. None of that ever gives anyone an excuse to abuse you. There is absolutely nothing you could do, say, or be that would give someone a right to force you to do any sexual act on them. He held you down and made you do this. You had no control over the situation you were put in.

    Additionally, I'm even more sorry that the therapist you worked with made you feel this was your fault. They were in a place to really help you out, and instead they probably put you in a worse place in dealing with this trauma by blaming you, the victim, for what happened. You didn't rape that boy. You didn't force anything. You didn't ask for or request anything, so how would it be possible that YOU did the raping? You didn't want what happened to happen. I'm not about to tell you that you should report the sexual assualt/rape you suffered because I don't think it's fair to expect that someone should have to relive a horrible experience like that over and over again to report it. You certainly could report it if you'd like to, and I'm sure someone here would have some advice as to who to call if you wanted to. But it should be your choice. However, I completely 100% agree with the people who said you really ought to report the therapist. By doing and saying the things she is doing, she could be doing a lot of damage to some really vulnerable people when she is in a position where she should be helping those people.
     
  20. Evil Kitten

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    One thing I've learnt about sub/dom relationships is that the sub is always the one in control, you should always have a safe word and if you're doing some kind of play that means you can't speak then some action to say as such. You always get consent beforehand and while a dom can try some things that may push boundaries that should only be done if you have agreed to be pushing them and should never do anything to make the sub feel unsafe no matter how vulnerable the situation they are in. If you ever do play should stop only continue if they are feeling wholly up to continuing and should never be feeling coerced.