1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

In denial or messed up gaydar?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by girlonfire, Jan 29, 2014.

  1. girlonfire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2013
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    I'm sure this has been posted a thousand times. But...I'm posting it again so deal :grin:

    I came out to one of my best friends last weekend, we've known each other about eight months but we're really close. (IDK, it's almost scary how close we are over such a short period of time.) Yeah, I like her. But even before I really realized that I had huge suspicions she was gay. I mean, she doesn't have the "lesbian look," really, I don't even know why. I just did. I'm not the only one; another bisexual at my school actually asked her directly, "are you gay?" in the cafeteria. I had more clues but they'd take a lot of explaining and I'm not going to make you guys read forever....but the point is I was 75-85% sure she was gay.

    So I came out to her, and she said, "ok," and resumed the conversation like nothing had happened. I was a bit surprised, not because of the acceptance as much as she didn't say anything back.

    We ended up on the topic the next day and she told me how this other bisexual girl thought she was gay, but then when I started talking about how I was mad at everyone for a while purely because they were straight and they didn't understand, she said (paraphrasing), "I am heterosexual, so I really can't understand and anyone that says they do are lying."

    Now here's the tricky part. It's possible she's in denial or hiding it. She's never talked about liking anyone, ever, and I have asked the sixth-grade question before, to which she said no one. But....that was the excuse I used whenever someone asked me. Even while I was in denial and liked someone I honestly didn't think I did. Because I was in denial. So that's possible. Or, even after that, if I hadn't come out at that point I would've acted completely straight in that sense. However it is also possible that we're all wrong and she really is straight but just seems gay to those of us who have an acute gaydar.

    All attractions aside, it's a very real possibility, or at least seems so. I have next to no gay friends. I'm alone here. I know I may sound desperate, but can anyone give me honest opinions or experiences they've had with this? :help:
     
  2. AgentZ

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Central California
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'd say put this to the back of your mind for now. It's not your place to try and figure out someone's sexual orientation. Even if you think she is gay, if she gives off that "vibe," it's not your place. Let her come out to you in her own time. It's very frightening/frustrating/angering/upsetting to be outed before you even have a chance to figure out your sexuality or before you're ready. My advice is simply leave it alone for now. Let it happen as it may happen and don't try to push things.
     
  3. Cigsmoker

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2014
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manila, Philippines
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Girlonfire,

    I think AgentZ is right. You should let go of those thoughts for now unless she directly tells you that she is gay. People need time to really assess who they are and what they want. I think you should let her deal with her sexual inner-struggles [if she has any] on her own but just try to reassure her that she can talk to you about anything. That's what a good friend should do.

    I know its difficult because there's a part of you that wishes she really is gay so that you have someone in your life who is like that, someone who can truly understand you and what you go through. But you cannot push someone to admit to something he/she doesn't want to admit just yet [provided that she really is gay/lesbian]. Just let her be for now and continue enjoying the friendship while at the same time, look for other avenues for you to explore and meet other people in your area who are just like you and can understand and relate to who you are and go through.

    Cheers!
    Cigsmoker [Sam]
     
  4. girlonfire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2013
    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Yeah, I guess you guys are right. I shouldn't even talk seeing as it took me so long to tell people. Thanks for the wake up call :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: