a boy had sex with my boyfriend without his consent, it's tearing him apart!

Your boyfriend was sexually abused. The impact of sexual abuse on most people, particularly men, is severe and lasts a lifetime if it isn't worked through, and it sounds like it has affected him pretty strongly.

I would strongly suggest that you encourage him to reconsider. It's going to affect his ability to be in a healthy relationship with you or almost anyone else, and it's going to affect his self esteem, self worth, and confidence.

It can definitely be addressed and resolved effectively through therapy, and the other piece is that the sooner he starts working on it, the easier it is to resolve. If he waits a long time -- until his life is *really* not working, which is often when someone gets to their 30s or 40s or later -- then the work to resolve it is much, much harder and takes longer because there are all the years of behaviors and mindsets that have developed in the intervening time.

So perhaps you can gently encourage him, or maybe point him here. It's not easy or fun work, but he will be a lot happier in the end.

 

Hi,

What part of the country are you in? There are therapiists practically everywhere, but the trick is finding one with experiennce and competency in male sexual abuse, which is a specialty. A therapist without that speicialty will be of limited help and may actually be hurtful.

There are some possibilities of theraipsts that do phone sessions, but for dealing with sexual abuse trauma, most therapists will probably want to see him in person.

Please let me know the city/state (if in nthe US) you're in and I'll see what resources I might have for you, and perhaps others will have some resources as well.

 

lil legs, send me a PM and cc Martin on it with more specifics about the area you're in. Martin lives in the UK and works with the mental health system. Between the two of us we should be able to find some referrals for you.

I'd be a little cautious about the gay hotlines; sometimes you get real help, and sometimes you get well meaning but completely ill-equipped people who aren't really helpful.

The label of whether it was penetrative or not is completely irrelevant here unless he's considering police action, but I'd advise strongly against that, *unless* the other person was substantially older (as in, he was an adult and your bf was a child.) If that was not the case, then unfortunately, the combination of time having passed and it being male/male assault, there's a lot of resistance and homophobia on the part of the police in most jurisdictions, and he'll put himself through a lot for little to no benefit.

In many areas there are options to get therapy without parents knowing. I understand he's nervous, but if nothing else, if you can gently support and encourage him, that may help him feel more comfortable and ready to seek treatment, whether that's now or in a few months.

 

Ok I can forward to Martin for you

 

Just a quick clarification here: It was pointed out to me that the above post might be read to imply that women who are sexually abused don't suffer as much as men do. That's certainly not the case, nor is it what I intended to imply. There's no question that sexual abuse is horrifying and traumatizing for both men and women.

To clarify: statistically, women are a lot more likely (according to the data we have) to report sexual abuse and to seek help for their situation than men are. Nonetheless, the incidence of abuse that goes unreported is phenomenally high for both men and women.

Women are more likely to tell someone, even if it is only one friend or their intimate partner. Because of this, the shame associated with being raped or abused can start to heal, since it is the shame that is one of the biggest drivers of the problems that stem from being abused, and telling someone (hopefully) elicits empathy, which is the antidote to shame.

Culturally, it is less appropriate, and even more shameful, for men to admit being abused because the single biggest shame trigger for men is being perceived as weak. For that reason, men are less likely to tell anyone, and even when they do, they are less likely to receive nonjudgmental support than their female counterparts.

None of this should be interpreted to indicate that men have it worse being abused than women do, or that it's less impactful for women, only that it is typically more difficult to men to reach out for help, which tends to make the internalized shame and self-hate that much worse.

Thanks to Darklord for bringing that issue to my attention.