How to deal with a friend who has internalized homophobia?

How do you? What if a person is perfectly fine with their friends being gay, but not themselves? What if they know they have these homoerotic tendencies, but are afraid to act on them? What do you say to a person like that?:icon_sad:

 

She told me herself--we've been talking more and having some deeper conversations, and it came up. She knows she should have been born the opposite gender, but she also feels stuck with the body she's got. It concerns me because she seems like she's forcing herself to like guys, even though she's attracted to me. She told me she's afraid of living a gay lifestyle because it can never be viewed as completely "normal" in the age we live in, plus in the past she was berated for her gender identity and made to feel not good enough because she was a girl and not a guy.

I don't want to push her to be with me, it mostly concerns me that she can't be completely happy with herself. I don't know what to say to her to support her, besides that she's fine the way she is. :icon_sad:

 

I feel like her non-acceptance among her peers in high school led to it, where she never felt good enough and she was rejected by a girl she liked who was straight. It was in front of everyone too, in a very un-subtle manner. Still, that she picks that specific word to use--"afraid." I guess I don't feel there's more of a "why," but I could ask her about it more. Would that be considered prying if it's with a good friend?

I don't think she actually wants to be with me, but she made it clear she wishes we could back to that rough time in her life and meet again so I could be the one. She told me she wishes she wasn't so scared so she could be what I need. She feels ruined for girls, and doesn't see the possibility of having one as a life partner. I've currently been friend-zoned. It's painful, but it's also weird to think that she (or anyone) would want me.

 

Are there any EC'ers who think it would be rude, uncomfortable, or inappropriate to ask someone more about why they might have internalized homophobia? It's not technically my business and I don't want to be offensive!

 

Okay, I will give it a try next time it comes up! Of course I wouldn't be as tactless and forward as "why are you homophobic, huh?," that would be rude! But I do agree it would be a good opportunity to discuss this with her, since it seems like she hasn't had a lot of people to help her deal with it.

I definitely don't want to attempt to remove gender-indoctrination. I won't tell her what gender is/isn't, how she should think, feel, etc. That's something personal that only she can decide for herself. I just want to help her cope and convince her that she's fine exactly the way she is!! She shouldn't feel the pressure of being a man in a woman's body, and if it comes down to it, the pressure of liking women (or a woman--that's me! :icon_wink) as such.

It's fine to be a male. It's fine to be a female. It's fine to be both, or neither. And it's fine to love exactly who you love, whoever they might be! That's how I myself truly feel, so I'm not gonna convince anyone to change who they are anytime soon.

 

This is very true, and it's great that your friend did that for you Well, she knows about me and my orientation, and she told me she's kind of in awe and admiration of gay couples because they seem so brave to her, doing what she can't. But then again, I guess she does fear it because she doesn't know it? Being shot down before given the chance, and all. At the same time, she doesn't particularly want to take the chance. :icon_sad:

---------- Post added 8th Feb 2014 at 10:12 PM ----------

Tell you what?

---------- Post added 8th Feb 2014 at 10:12 PM ----------

I will do my best!