Hello everyone, new to the forum. I consider myself a bisexual male, since I feel physical attraction for both genders, although the emotional connection is almost exclusively towards male, so that would make move further on one side of the Kinsey scale, but whatever. A few months ago I met a wonderful man I immediately had a crush on. He's incredibly gentle, respectful, peaceful, tolerant and most of all, VERY positive. Literally the opposite of my ex. We started dating old-school-style: went for walks, had a drink, but nothing physical happened. Day by day we were gradually falling in love with each other: I like his body, but most of all it's his personality that attracts me like a magnet. He's someone who has never hurt anyone, who believes in love and who thinks positive. We've been together since October and I'm amazed at the proofs of sincere love he constantly gives me. Oh, and in bed he's... incredible. I'd never had anything like that. He's older than me, yet there are days we cannot almost leave the bed because he wants more. This said, there is something that disturbs me: he's had three relationships before me. In the first two he was completely faithful, even when things started going bad. When he fell in love with the third guy, this person told him: "with me it can work only if we make it an open relationship, I will fuck around anyway". My bf accepted, also because it soon turned out his ex was terrible in bed, and they stopped getting laid quite soon. My boyfriend has a high sexual drive, so he looked for something, of course. Not too often, but every now and then he needed to get his rocks off. His ex, on the other hand, was very keen on cruising bars, sex clubs, saunas and whatever, and he always brought him to this places. At first to have threesomes, after a while just to do things on his own. My boyfriend went to these places to make him happy, and once he was there he often had his casual sex. Always protected, nothing hazardous for his health, but still - he's told me about these mazes where you walk, eye other people and pick the one(s) you want to have sex with. He did it, "relieved himself" and was ok for a while. Then he started being fed up with these places, and a couple years later they broke up, being nothing left in their relationship. He started dating people and after a few months he met me. He showed me his tests, he's HIV negative, and he promised me to be faithful and monogamous. Despite all this, there are moments when I'm very disturbed by the fact that he's had so much casual sex, threesomes included, and used to go to those places. I've told him, and he said that it was something totally unimportant, slightly less interesting than jerking off, but not more meaningful. Making love to your boyfriend doesn't even come close to that, he says. And most of all: that was fun for fun's sake with consenting adults, nothing wrong about it. Still, that makes me afraid that we are worlds apart. The idea of sex clubs, cruising bars an threesomes repels me (not accusing anyone, but it's really not my thing), and I've never had casual sex. I don't want to give my body to people if I don't find it meaningful. Which is why, despite my high sexual drive, I've only had two sexual partners so far (I'm 25). How can I get over that? I know that it is my problem and not his: it's his past, he was honest with me and I shouldn't really be bothered. But why am I?
It's possible you're the jealous type (because some people just are). Or that you're applying a 'moral dimension' to his situation at an emotional level, even if you realize that doesn't make sense on an intellectual level. You may also suffer from a certain amount of insecurity, wondering how you (and the sex you have together) compare to all the other guys he's been with and will he get bored with you. As far as 'getting over it', I think it's mostly a matter of being self aware and mentally kicking yourself when these thoughts come up. Also, reminding yourself (as much as necessary) that he's chosen to be with you now, that he's not wanting to do those things any longer while he's with you (actually it sounds like he wasn't all that into them at the time either) and so on. You also need to concentrate on the present and the relationship you are building together rather than the past (since neither of you can change that) and eventually on the future you want to build with each other if things get to that level of serious. Hope this helps, Todd
Thanks Todd, it really helps. Actually I was thinking that these thoughts are not bringing me anywhere, so I should just suppress them when they pop up, and one day I won't have them anymore, hopefully. I can be jealous and there is definitely some insecurity in me. But what puzzles me most is: how can a person who had a lot of sex with people whose name he didn't even know be so sweet, tender, loving and caring with me? Am I just taking a huge blunder? From his actions I can tell that he's totally committed and into me. But then I think about the cruising bars and I have doubts. Maybe the "cure" would be to stop seeing these places as fundamentally wrong. ---------- Post added 8th Feb 2014 at 03:21 PM ---------- "You may also suffer from a certain amount of insecurity, wondering how you (and the sex you have together) compare to all the other guys he's been with and will he get bored with you" Completely true. Even though he's told me: "I had good sex in the past, I don't deny it and I don't want to forget it. But what I have with you is definitely on top of my all-time-chart". Oh well.
I think one thing to remember is that this isn't something your boyfriend did without his partner knowing. He was in a relationship where they had both agreed to be in an open relationship and allow sex with others. Perhaps to him, it was important to have something that was just a physical connection with no emotion, so he went for something totally casual like that. It doesn't mean he would ever do that while in a relationship with you. With you, he has agreed to a monogamous relationship. In the past, I, too have been involved in sex with multiple people, but everyone involved always knew. It doesn't mean I would ever do it now that I'm with my wife. I'd never cheat on her. Sounds like for him, this is a similar situation.
Well, truth in advertising - while I haven't been around as much as your BF from the sound of things, I have had my share of hookups, including guys whose name I never knew, nor cared about knowing. My first time having sex with a guy was a hookup in a lockerroom toilet stall. I met the second guy I ever had sex with by getting his number off a bathroom wall (for a good time, call xxx - I called, I had a very good time - no regrets at all). However, I've also been in several LTRs, including my current one which has lasted 17yrs. We are not in an open relationship, nor do we play with other guys as a couple, or anything like that. And I'm perfectly happy and have never had any desire to sleep around. Actually, we're looking at getting married in a year or two. I have a friend who (by his own estimate) has had sex with literally hundreds of anonymous guys. Eventually he got tired of that and eventually met his partner. They were together for 13yrs, until his partner passed away from cancer Ultimately, I think you are correct that the best 'cure' for your issue is to stop assigning moral judgments to something that is truthfully nothing more than a matter of personal taste that can change over time. Sounds like you're doing something right I would suggest that part of what is making the sex so great for him is that there is an emotional connection between you, which he finds very satisfying. There is also the simple fact that if you are a caring and attentive lover, who is willing to pay attention to what he likes and learn from it (and I bet you are), then you are going to be vastly beyond a lot of guys who are only interested in doing whatever gets them off the fastest or best and who consider your pleasure and orgasm purely secondary (if they consider it at all). I was in a relationship for several years with a guy who was like that. I stupidly tried to get him to change instead of just ending it. All he wanted to do was stuff that would get him his orgasm and then he didn't care if I had a good time or not. You know its bad when you start contemplating demanding money after sex because you feel like you've been used like a hooker:/ Neither you nor your guy sound anything like that. But I'd bet he's been with guys who are though. And that's not what he wants and he's apparently having a great time with you. So love him as he is and when you think of those other guys he's been with, smile to yourself and revel in the knowledge that he's rejected all that to be with YOU. You (YOU) have beaten out entire bathhouses and bars full of guys for his love and attention. Then pat yourself on the back and go on with your day. Todd
Personally, I am not a jealous gf, but I just don't do open relationships nor do I date around. Your response makes perfect sense to me. However, maybe he's the exception? Maybe he is worth judging him on his PRESENt and not his past???
Thank you guys for your answer, they are all very appreciated. flymetothemoon - you see, it's not much a matter of being cheated on, but more the fact of thinking "is there too big a difference between someone who can fuck around and someone who needs romance to get laid?". But you're right, he also did it in order to have the most casual thing possible, and not get romantically hooked while in a relationship. AKTodd - very impressed by your positive point of view, it really helps. and yes, thinking that after a quite big number of past sexual partners he chooses me, it's pretty flattering for my ego. (oh, and don't tell me about the feeling a hooker thing: had the same with my ex. had sex with him just because I didn't want to hear him complaining about the lack of it... figure that out) Blondeye - you're right too, I should judge only his present with me. And so far he's been incredible, he's given me so much proof... Just think that sometimes he works overtime in order to get a free day to spend with me. --- Anyway, I think I know where my distaste for cruising and easy sex comes from. My ex had been really hurt in his previous relationship by someone who spent a lot of time in these places. He literally brainwashed me about how casual sex is bad, the whole cruising thing is hell, threesomes are evil, etc. Before him I really had no strong opinions about it. So...
As someone who considers himself to be a romantic, but has experimented with the casual side of things, I think I can allay your concerns, as your boyfriend sounds a lot like me in this regard. I have a fairly high sex drive, so outside of a relationship I've always been fine with casual relationships. I'm not a slut, I don't fuck anything that moves, and each and every person was a person I truly cared about, we just lacked the commitment. However, that's outside of a relationship. I can say 100% that those kinds of casual hookups that although are hot, are completely inadequate compared to a real romantic relationship. When I meet a boy I click with both physically and mentally, I'm 100% ready to be monogamous (by my own desire), and never feel the need to be with other people to be satisfied. I would not assume that just because he's had casual sex before being with you, that he's secretly romantically shallow. So far he sounds like a great guy, I'd just go with that.
Thanks, 4AllEternity. I ultimately think that being in a relationship and giving trust means accepting to take a risk: nobody can assure 100% that a person will never let you down or cheat on you. You have to be fairly assure and accept to "take the ride" That's my philosophy (and I've calmed down about his thing from the past, thank you all)
