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help me please beyond lost

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Meza2007, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. Meza2007

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2013
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    so quite a lot happened this weekend. I went to a gay bar, went on a date with a girl, and kissed a guy. So we will go in order, I went to a gay bar ad the whole time I was a bit nervous and felt out of place but when I went outside with my friend(whose a girl) we spoke to a few gay people not about anything specifically but it was cool I'm ok with gay people no problem at all with them. But we went inside because I needed to see if I liked it, no regardless I don't really dance. So I stood on the side with her watching people dance and I was trying to be calm, but I saw two guys grinding and I was a bit grossed out. And then the cherry on top they had dancers two of them, good looking very built and muscle and I would watch them to see if I liked it if it got me hard, I don't believe I ever got hard. I also noticed that the whole time I was hoping that a girl would come so I could talk to one and forget where I was. The problem here is I left and nothing answered because I don't know if I gave myself a chance to like it or forced myself to hate it or if it didn't matter because I'm cool with it. So the next day I went on a date with a girl to the bowling alley, and we kissed, and I don't know if I liked it but we kissed more and more. But the thing is I said to myself "am I getting hard, ok I am, wait did I force myself, wait was I thinking of a guy when I kissed her?" It happened everytime I kissed her those thoughts. And the thing is similar to the club I asked "did I have fun? Did I force myself to kiss her did I force myself to hold her, did I force myself to smile and laugh etc etc" so I'm confused about that. And finally I kissed a guy, so I have a friend and he offered to help me out, now prior to me going he told me he would give me head if it had to come down to it to see, and with that I think I got hard, I liked the idea of getting head and that someone offered to me. But the whole way over to the park I was really anxious and nervous, so we are in the restroom, and we waited till no one was inside, and I tried to kiss him and then backed away twice because it grossed me out, rigt before he almost kissed me once I coughed because I felt like vomiting , and at the same time I just didn't want to do it I was telling myself I don't want to do this I don't want to do this. And finally I leaned in and pecked him on the lips, and I freaked out, I don't know if my eyes were open or if I got hard or if I liked it or what happened. And the thing is I can literally tell myself I made out with him when in reality it was a peck and I confirmed with him. Issue is I was happy I did it because I got it done with and these were huge steps for me, but now I'm freaking out because I don't know if I liked it, or if I want it and the fact that I kissed a guy.

    As you can tell I'm really messed up in the head, any advice from anyone is appreciated. Sorry for spelling and grammar issues
     
  2. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2012
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    178
    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It sounds to me like you're not really into guys. Your orientation says straight but curious so you're probably looking to experiment a little with the same sex. There's nothing at all wrong with that, and if you find you don't like it/it's not your thing then that's perfectly ok too. You don't have to do something if it feels forced. You should never force yourself into liking something. Just go with what feels right and try not to freak out about what happened. It's ok to explore your sexuality a little, to find out who you're really into. It could also be that you haven't yet accepted that you may have gay tendencies (not necessarily gay, but that you have same-sex interests). I know how confusing it must be. I've kissed two girls in my life, and didn't find either time gross or wrong. But the lesbian/bisexual lifestyle isn't for me. And I now know it's ok. I shouldn't force myself to like women in a sexual or romantic way. But if given the chance, I'd probably kiss another woman. Nothing sexual though.

    I've also been to a gay club. More than one, actually. And didn't like the experience. I'm not a clubber to begin with. I don't dance and don't really drink either. So I found it pretty boring. And I felt guilty checking out girls (women). Almost like I'm betraying myself, and it felt forced. That, and the fact that I then got a girlfriend and things didn't work out because I was questioning whether I'm actually a lesbian. I've got it all figured out now and I know it's ok to be straight and kissing women when the opportunity arises. Maybe I'm also bicurious to some extent, but I still identify as straight.

    Like I said, if you don't like something, then you don't like it, and shouldn't force yourself to like it. You went to a gay club, it wasn't your scene. You kissed a girl - multiple times - and enjoyed it, even though your thoughts were telling you otherwise/making you question. You tried to make out with a guy and it made you feel sick (wanting to vomit). There's nothing wrong with being straight. And if you have trouble with something regarding your sexuality, that's what EC is for. Someone will always be there to help you or advise you.

    I hope this ramble makes sense. In the meantime, just enjoy your attractions for what it is, and try not to overthink things. (And labels aren't important!)