I dunno what the point of this was, but I just felt like..venting. Thanks if you decide to read it. Known this guy since the 5th grade.. gonna call him Ike. Been really close with him and one other guy (call him Vill) since then...sort of a 3 musketeers type thing. We'd hang out every day after school up until graduation, had sleep overs, etc. After graduation we all moved into an apartment for awhile until Ike eventually decided to join the army. I really missed him during his time in the army. I guess in basic training you can't have contact with the outside world via cellphone so I wrote him a letter. I stopped by his moms house so she could deliver the letter with hers and she said how he was having a really hard time (being lonely there, etc) and how much he missed home..she said the letter would mean a lot to him. There was nothing out of the ordinary in the letter, just general stuff. He wrote back and all seemed fine. He was in Iraq for a year or two and then came back to the US and was stationed in Texas for a couple years. During his time in Texas he had his cellphone but would never respond back to my texts or calls. What I found odd is how he would instantly respond to Vills text messages and calls. I was really hurt by that. In his text messages to me when he was on leave he said something along the lines of "I get homesick, I don't like talking to people when I'm not there". But I don't get why he wouldn't ignore Vill too? Fast forward to when he moved back to Minnesota. He moved in with Vill and another roommate and has been ignoring me. Vill has always been a bit more of a partier and I've been more of a shy nerdy gamer type. Ike fell somewhere in the middle of the two before the army...probably leaning more towards a gamer. We hadn't hung out for a looooong time. Then the girl I am out to was hosting a small get-together for her birthday last summer. She invited me and Vill. Vill asked me if it was alright if he brought Ike along since I confided the situation to him. Vill did end up bringing Ike, but the entire time I couldn't look, speak, or even acknowledge his existence. At one point Vill told a story about how he could hear Ike and some girl having sex one night and I had to walk away. I nearly burst into tears. Ike didn't attempt to talk to me once that night. I thought maybe he disliked me because he got the feeling I am gay? I've never had a girlfriend, I've never been much of an athlete, and I'm quiet and shy to strangers. I like to think I am pretty neutral, but sometimes I feel like my voice might be a giveaway. He'd be right in his suspicions, but I'm not out to anyone besides one of my girl friends. Out of the blue a couple weeks ago he texted and asked if I wanted to come over and play some video games with him, Vill, and their roommate. I went over, everything was fine. He texts me again a day or two later with the same request. He texts me asking if I want to grab lunch with him the next day. Then later that night the video game request. After Vill went to bed I hung out in his bedroom until 4 in the morning. What is the sudden change? Don't get me wrong.. I love hanging out with him. But he went from completely shutting me out to hanging out multiple days in a row? One of which I was in his bedroom on his bed at one point watching tv till 4 in the morning? I thought ignoring him and him ignoring me for such a long time would numb the feelings I was slowly developing for him. But I am really longing for him. I actually wrote this because just an hour or two ago I woke up from an intimate dream involving him. He's so much fun and a really sweet person when I am actually able to talk to him. We share similar interests, sense of humor, and he can get me to laugh until I am gasping for air. The big pressure I am facing right now is whether or not to come out to him. He's sending such mixed signals I am really confused. It eats away at me when he has a girlfriend. He has made a few...negative comments about how gay people came onto him in Texas. But for some reason I have this feeling he is at least..curious...at least with me just by the way he looks at me and acts. In high school he was a bit of a loner and one of my friends asked if I thought he was gay. I'm also curious if I should have done something when I was in his bedroom. I felt like he was waiting for something...but how on earth was I supposed to know how to act? He's had girlfriends and he knows I've heard the sex story.. I didn't think he would be interested because he is..straight? I just graduated college. I feel like running away and cutting off all communications outside of my immediate family. Then starting out fresh and being upfront about being gay so if they are interested they can say so or if they have a problem with it they don't have to put up with my stupid feelings.
I can't give much advice, as I'm not out to a lot of people, so I'll avoid that part. As for talking to you out of the blue? Maybe someone explained to him that he hurt your feelings, and thats his way of apologising. I'd say run with the standard friendship for now, let him get to know you again. Over time, you can get to know him better, too. I would refrain from initiating any sexual activities until you know where he stands, though. Just my two cents. Welcome to EC. Minnesota represent. *brofist*
Well..that makes me feel sort of awful and awkward. A long while back I had a discussion with Vill about how it was bugging me that Ike was ignoring me right before that birthday party. Recently I told Vill I was thinking about moving away. I pleaded with him not to tell Ike it was bugging me or that I wanted to move away. Maybe he told.. Oh god...now I feel like he was only texting me out of pity..not because he really wanted to hang out. Maybe those looks I thought he was giving me were of disgust and the only reason why I was in his bedroom till 4 was because he didn't know how to chuck me out. Being invited out of pity makes the desire to move away even stronger...>< Thanks for the reply. Yay MN..the area I'm in just got pounded with snow last night.
I think Vill or whoever else you confided your feelings about your situation with Ike told ike since it was so out of the blue. Ike kinda sounds like a jerk for ignoring you, I had a friend who started to ignore me in high school but then I found out it was because she found out I was talking behind her back because someone told her but yeah I'm petty so I ignored her too but who knows in your case it might be completely different, maybe he does care?
I don't think he did it out of pity, but it's a possibility. I think the best thing to do would be to ask him about why he ignored you, and tell him that he can be honest with you because you just want to know the truth. I'm sorry you're going through this pain (*hug*)
That's really tough. I imagine it must hurt quite a bit to try to be there for someone you care about only end up being completely ignored, especially in favor of another friend. With that said, I'm glad your resisted the temptation to ignore his attempts at reestablishing contact -- even with as much as he caused you I think you would have ended up regretting that big time. Unless I skipped over part of it by mistake, nothing you wrote really jumped out at me to make me think he was waiting for you to come out from him after you started hanging out again. Did something else happen to make you feel this way? Like RainbowRally said, I think it's pretty likely that Vill talked to him about how he was making you feel. I don't think it's fair to assume that he reached back out to you out of pity though; it's entirely possible he just wasn't aware of what was happening and felt distant to you after so much time away. If he didn't care about you he wouldn't have bothered. However, if you're not out to Vill I doubt wanting you to come out had anything to do with it.
He was a really nice person to me..has been up until he went to the army..then he was a jerk... I don't understand how he can feel homesick when he talks to people from here, and then talks to Vill. Unless talking with me makes him more homesick for some reason? Well after the initial few hangouts, now its pretty much silence again. Likely busy with school and work though so...I'll ask him whats up if it continues like last time and then either try to look past it or cut him out completely. Ty!
Oh I ignored him...after a couple years of his unwillingness to talk to me I gave up. He would text me once in a blue moon and I refused to respond back because it made me feel like a door mat that would respond the moment he decided to grace me with a single text. Mmm..that sounds really bitter. I think jealousy has a lot to do with it. Not only does Ike talk with Vill constantly..but he lives with Vill too. They can chill out on the couch at their place and just hang out, while they have to make a conscious effort to invite me over. If they had a long day and don't want people over they still get to hang out with each other simply because they live together. If they are going out to the bars they go together because they live together, same with grabbing something to eat..watching football..playing video games. It feels like a slap in the face when I think back to gradeschool when the 3 of us used to do everything together. They even have a roommate that has the same name as me. I feel left out/replaced I guess. I guess I am really confused. I don't have a ton of friends so my mind is having trouble sorting a strong brotherly bond and a love bond. Looking back at high school he had no girlfriends, he was a loner, and people asked me a couple times if I thought he might be gay. We have a lot of fun together and he texted me all the time before the army. He texted me WAY more than he texted Vill. He'd want to hang out, grab Perkins just with me in the middle of the night, respond immediately and even initiate doing something with me. When me him and Vill had an apartment together we'd hang out a TON just playing video games, watching tv, and talking. Even today when I hear my phone go off I instantly hope its him and get disappointed when its not. I thought maybe when he went to the army something happened to make him prefer Vills company over mine. Idk if he was scared he developed feelings for me? Or if he felt like I was hiding something? Hes had girlfriends the past few years..but part of me hopes he is bi..at least for me? The feelings reignited themselves when I was in his bedroom till 4 in the morning watching tv on his bed. He kept looking at me every once in awhile and was on his cellphone for something to do..like he was waiting for something. I thought he wanted me to say something or make a move or something.. but now that I think Vill said how hurt I was he was only letting me hang out with him out of pity and he was scared to tell me to go home. I dunno..I think I'd rather be ignored than get pity contact. Even though things seem ok I feel like cutting them both out now. Vill ignored me for awhile too (not to Ikes extreme) but I told him about how I was feeling and now he is trying to make amends for that. I hate feeling pitied. If they wanted to hang out with me they'd have reached out to me without me making them feel guilty about not inviting me or something. I just have trouble letting go. We've been really close friends since the 5th grade. Over 15 years I think. And then I am confused if Ike has feelings for me. I dunno if not telling them about me being gay is creating this rift or not. I dunno why it would though.
You seem really infatuated with Ike, and I can see that due to the amount of time you've known each other you really value this friendship but I'm not understanding why both of them chose to ignore you specifically at one time, like it sounds like they don't do it for each other? It kinda sounds like they have some sort of idea about you that might be off putting to them? like I think Vill was kinda nicer as he didn't ignore you as bad as Ike did. I definitely do agree with you with something happening while he was in the army but I think it went more along the lines of his fellow army people making fun of him for a guy sending him a letter cause you know some guys are jerks like that but you know I'm probably way off, it could totally be that he developed feelings for you or something or something else entirely?
I have no clue why they were ignoring me.. I've never been as big of a party guy as Vill so I dunno if they just didn't think to invite me out or what. Or if they want me to come out to them or something.. or if they knew I was gay and they didn't want anything to do with me? Its so confusing.. I think Ike might like me before he went off to the army, then he starts ignoring me completely, and now he starts talking to me again. Him getting made fun of is possible I guess.. but even if he got made fun of why would that stop him texting me and not Vill? I have no clue if I should tell him I'm gay and have a crush on him or if I should just leave well enough alone.. or if I should just cut him and Vill off completely and start out new somewhere.
Vill wrote a letter to Ike? If they really considered you as a best friend I'm pretty sure they'd go to you, the fact that you have to repeatedly put yourself out their for people who don't seem to value you as much as you them would suck loads and by the sounds of it, it sounds like they're replacing you with a probably improved clone of you, an expy. I don't think you should cut them off completely as that never ends up well, I tried that with one of my old best friends and even I have really weak moments where I just want to check up on them which sounds pathetic but I would definitely not make myself so available to them otherwise they might do it out of pity. As for telling them you're gay depends, you'll be giving them the power and they'll react how they will, it could either make them react badly; react positively, treat you the same or treat you worse. It could even strengthened your relationships with them as you're being honest but at this point I think their already past having you be included as a best friend as I have no doubt it will be a factor but I don't think it'll make any strong changes in their decision.
It's really sad that this is happening. I really think you should just confront him about it and ask him why. You have a right to know, and it's hurting you. (*hug*)
I agree with WhiteShadows. Better to know and move on with your life than to keep worrying about this. Confront him about why he stopped talking to you.
