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embarrassed about sexual needs

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by AmiBee, Feb 17, 2014.

  1. AmiBee

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    Hi, I'm a lesbian in my 40s. I have been with my wife for over 20 years. We have a 9 yo son and I still love my wife very much. The problem is we rarely have sex, only once.or twice a year. We went two years once without sex. I want to have a sex life. I've sought out hookups with women online but nothing has actually come of it. The other night I stayed up until 4am having cyber sex texts with mostly guys. Amazed how I could get so many guys off with my word s even though I'm a gold star lesbian. No desire to hAve sex with guys in real life, but felt powerful controlling them online.

    How do I reconcile my sex drive while staying true to my wife? I don't want to break up our family.
     
  2. Theron

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    Having a sex drive is normal and healthy, ignoring it because you have kids can cause a break-down in a lot of relationships. How often do you guys go out on dates? If your son has friends, arrange sleepovers and have a weekend to yourselves or something. Or if a grandma is nearby, think about arranging a sleepover at grandma's.
     
  3. AmiBee

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    No grandparents nearby. He does have sleepovers at friends, but usually she just says she's too tired and rejects my advances. Even said taking me out on a date for my bday last month was too much trouble and pressure. It's the only thing i asked for. We had sex on new years eve, b u t that was the last time. She and my son are at my in-laws this week and all I can think about is getting some sex on the side. I'm so embarrassed because it's not like me to lie and cheat. I have never physically cheated on her.!!
     
  4. Pret Allez

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    Why is she not having sex with you? That makes me sad :frowning2:
     
  5. NorthernKnight

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    I've heard that some couples experience bed death but holy shit, two years?

    I think you need to confront her about it, ask why she rejects you, and tell her that you want to be intimate more. You shouldn't be embarrassed - she's your wife. Sexual health is important for any couple to have.

    If she doesn't want to talk about it, suggest going to a marriage counselor.
     
  6. Pret Allez

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    I don't want to tread into the territory of encouraging you to pressure your wife. As a feminist, I have worries about it. But at the same time, I think it's kind of unfair of her not to be intimate with you very much.

    I feel like I've have a very hard time maintaining the relationship or at least being faithful.

    Dan Savage is a real shit, but one thing he gets right is how bullshit monogamy is. When a relationship becomes sexually stagnant or dead, that puts a huge burden on the person who is sexually unsatisfied. And he's right that it's not fair, and it's unrealistic to expect fidelity there...
     
  7. AmiBee

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    Well, she is a workaholic and I feel like our sex life is at the bottom of her priority list. We have talked about it but she says her sex drive isn't there. She makes me feel like a perv for wanting sex a few times a month. I'm very frustrated, but don't want to kill our marriage by being caught cheating. Right now, I just need to fucck a woman. Excuse the language.
     
  8. Pret Allez

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    No, not at all. Don't feel embarrassed, and don't feel the need to curb your language here. That really hurts. And a couple times a month is not much to ask. Good lord...

    I can see her sex drive not being there, but sometimes, I think it's important to have sex with your partner anyway. To give an example, we'd all find it deplorable if a guy has sex with a woman, and after he ejaculates, just pulls out and "we're done." Without giving cunnilingus of anything. Just so sad and inconsiderate. He might be orgasmed and "all done," but that's pretty selfish behavior.

    I mean goodness sakes. I suck dick even though it doesn't do much for me.
     
    #8 Pret Allez, Feb 17, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2014
  9. AmiBee

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    Thanks for the support and understanding:slight_smile: I've found that having sex is relationship affirming!!!

    ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2014 at 11:14 PM ----------

    Would you blame.me if I have casual sex on the side. I feel dirty even asking it.
     
  10. AmiBee

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    Any other insight into my situation would be welcome.
     
  11. LaurieAnderson

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    Obviously something needs to be done. I guess you should try to spice things up... new toys, events ect. I'd try to make it a routine to include intimate touch in your daily life - a routine to connect physically throughout the day, such as long slow kisses, hugs, neck massages, foot massages, hand massages. Try holding each other at night. A getaway maybe? I'm no sex counsellor though -- so maybe make an appointment for one?

    Edit: You should also NEVER be embarrassed about your sexual needs. Try to go easy on yourself -- understand they're natural!
     
    #11 LaurieAnderson, Feb 17, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2014
  12. Ruby Dragon

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    A few times a month really isn't too much to ask for. I'm sorry you're not being sexually fulfilled at the moment. Perhaps discuss this with her, or ask her for an open marriage, so that you can have your sexual needs met when she's not in the mood. That isn't really cheating, as long as you are open and honest with one another
     
  13. Fallingdown7

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    My advice is to just tell her how you feel, and how strongly you feel about it. If she still does not want to sleep with you, you have two options. The first is to ask for an open marriage, and if that's not something she is comfortable with, the best option after that is a divorce (If you really feel you can't live without sex, you need to find someone more suited to those needs).

    Absolutely do NOT sleep with anybody else behind her back though. That would really hurt her and make things into a bigger mess. If you really are considering getting some casual sex on the side, you need to end the relationship first.
     
  14. AmiBee

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    I know. I don't want to hurt her and pretty much don't think I could ever go through with actually cheating on her. I don't want a divorce. She and our son are my family. We've been together our entire adult lives. When she gets home at the end o the week, I will try to be more straight forward about my sexual needs. It's just hard after being rejected by her so many times. I really do feel like something is wrong with me asking her for more sex. I absolutely know she wouldn't go for the open marriage idea.
     
    #14 AmiBee, Feb 18, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2014
  15. apostrophied

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    Therapy is in order, IMO, before you even consider having sex on the side. If your car breaks down, you try your hardest to fix it before you chuck it and buy a new one, because new cars are very expensive. Breaking up a marriage, especially when there's a kid involved, is very expensive (albeit a different kind of expensive), too.
     
  16. AmiBee

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    I like the car analogy. Thanks for everyone's support here.
     
  17. apostrophied

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    Haha thanks, I legit made it up on the spot, but it really conveyed what I was trying to explain. Good luck and keep us posted.
     
  18. Fallingdown7

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    Alright, I think that your best option is just talking to her. She might not understand the first attempt, but I'm sure there's something you can do to get her to understand.

    The great thing about lesbian sex is that it can be one-sided if someone isn't in the mood. If she doesn't feel like taking her clothes off or being touched at all, maybe you can compromise and just have her touch you?
     
  19. Rosepetal

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    i dont know much about marriage seeing im a kid in my early 20s im kinda like u in the boat. im long distance nd have a high sex drive nd my bf has high sex drive but hes not horny so i need to fuck a guy 2 b4 getting shipped into marriage. and yes i feel like a pervert to bc my mom doesnt approve how i wanna approach guys she said ur a pervert not a human being but she doesnt know what its like to be in ur 20s lol
     
  20. silverhalo

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    I agree with the others you have to talk to her, try and get to the bottom of why she has no sex drive, I mean maybe there is a reason, but also so you can tell her how you feel and I'm sure you can find a compromise where everyone is happy.
    It sounds to me that maybe she is over stressed or something at work because I can see that maybe someone has a low sex drive but not even wanting to take you out for a meal is really really bad.