I love it here and hate it here all at the same time. I'm at varsity and in a hostel. Thus I am closeted as I have never been before. Yet I am making new friends and I'm getting along with my roommate and just being part of everything. It's an exciting new life. Sometimes it just gets a little frustrating. Like today some of my new friends were taliking about guys and we were only four so I kind of had to join in or be exposed, And this is the one place where I do not want to come out! I felt like such a fraud, but the alternative is worse: the LGBT-community does not do well here. What was I thinking commiting to live here for three years!?!?!? I have at least 3 years of hostel life ahead of me. Three years in which I need to keep my browser history clear and not fall in love. I haven't even been on ec since I got here (my roomate went home for the weekend so I don't have to look over my shoulder the whole time I'm on here) Don't get me wrong in all other aspects of my life, I am happy here. I just miss my friends who knew and accepted me, friends whom I could trust and joke with. And I miss loging onto ec whenever I need to talk about stuff friends wouldn't understand. They'd always listen and never judge though. I guess I miss a part of myself
That's really tough. I feel for you a lot. I am not sure I have any great advice but I do sympathise. Perhaps you can try and concentrate on other aspects of your life and the three years will fly by.
Thanks, most of the time it does, but sometimes (like the first time this beautiful girl walked into my Physics class and all I could think was "WOW" or the other time when she sat in the seat behind me in this super funny class (I didn't know she was there - she walked in late from behind) and the moment she laughed I knew it was her I didn't even have to turn around) it gets impossible to ignore. And also I didn't want to ever deny being gay again, I didn't want to make new friends just to have the whole scary comming out to those who matter all over again. I dream about living out and proud yet here I am.
Yeah I totally get that. Plus if you are used to being out hiding it again can be difficult. In time perhaps you will be able to find one or two people you can tell.
