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Constant Lies

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by CharlieChalk, Feb 25, 2014.

  1. CharlieChalk

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    So... My therapist/counsillor/lifecoach/whatever emailed me earlier today (I've recently moved country and she was checking in).
    She asked me how everything was. I replied with okay and then copped out of telling her how stuff really was.

    Firstly, how do you people do honestly? I mean, all you guys are so brave and honest and open about stuff. I feel like I just live inside a high security fort.

    Secondly, how do you do acceptance and being yourself? I am so tired of just tearing myself apart and just... everything. I'm tired of everything. How do I fix me?
     
  2. Sarah257

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    Stop right there. You don't "fix you". If you keep thinking that way you'll never make progress. You think this is something that we all just went through overnight? It's not. It takes a lot of time and thought to reach even a semblance of being able to accept yourself, not to mention being ok with expressing yourself around others.

    You want to know how I'm doing? Honestly? I have my fair share of problems about this. I have doubts, and worries, and sometimes I wish I could just forget everything and just live as others tell me. But you know what? I won't do that. I have come to the realization that doing so does not stop the pain, it only makes it worse over time. I have resolved to be more honest with myself and others because the deciet will destroy me. And don't think of me as brave. I'm not. If anything I am motivated by the fear of going back and what it will do to me. Seriously, read my blog. It's about as honest and open about myself as I've ever been with people I don't really know.

    The fact is, we are all human, and this is a difficult thing to go through. There's no shame in that, it's just the way things are. What we have to remember is that things can get better. We just need time and support.
     
  3. CharlieChalk

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    I just feel like the reason I started going to her was to overcome this 'me'. And that was purely in terms of confidence, and self believe and not actually hating myself. I went to her so I could come abroad and be a better me. And instead all I find myself doing is feeling more alone, more left out and more confused. It wasn't even about sexuality to start. And now I've gone and thrown that in the mix and damn, I just feel broken and confused.

    Scared.

    Scared too. I've always been that kid that quietly got on with everything and had a tough skin and never let anything to get to her, and now I feel like I'm breaking.
    50% of the time, I just want to talk about everything I'm thinking and just let it go and then the other 50% I'm telling people what they want or expect to hear. Heck, I even did that in my counsellor sessions.
    I'm just tired y'know. I just want to like me. But I don't know how.
     
  4. Sarah257

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    Hey, I was kind of like that when I was a kid too. Or at least when I was around people. I would just try to ignore them and not let anyone know that on the inside I was crying. I thought that if I didn't respond, then they would get tired of it and stop. It didn't exactly work according to plan, so I gradually changed my behavior, being who others wanted me to be. Years of doing this led to depression and being tired was also present. It took a long time, but eventually I just got too tired to care. About anything. It took so much effort to live like I was told I should that it drained me of the ability to really even function. Turns out, that later I was able to use that exhaustion to my adavantage. When you get to that point, when you get so tired that you can barely keep going, you can also let some of your own internal barriers fall. It takes constant effort to hold up the mask for others to see, and when you can't even spare that energy, the lies stop. The mask falls. Use that to your advantage. When the urge comes to put that mask back on (and it will come), use all you have to keep from doing it. I guarantee it's worth it.

    Of course, you may not have to get as low as I did. You may be able to start opening up now, but you won't ever know unless you try. Force yourself outside your comfort zone, even if it's only a little. You'd be amazed at how the tiniest of momentum soon builds up if you keep at it. Believe it or not, but you are farther down the road than you think. You have already taken the first steps. You've realized that you aren't being you, you went to see a therapist to help you, and you finally admitted some of your feelings. Take pride in this and use it to help you move forward. I know you can do it.