I've never told anybody this in real life, but ever since I was around 11, there's been some awkward sexual attraction or tension or whatever between me and my father. It makes me feel really sad. I just want a normal relationship with my father, and I feel like he probably wants the same thing too. He's a really good guy, and he really loves me and I know this, because he's never once tried anything like that with me and I've never felt physically in danger of that around him, and I'm happy about that, because a lot of people have it a lot worse. But I just get so self-conscious and worried about it. There have been several times when we've had a discussion - usually an argument, because we have different ideals - and he's had a boner and had to run off or something like that. I don't want things like this to happen, I'm uncomfortable with it and I have trouble connecting with those moments. I tend to disengage because it makes me uncomfortable. I get sexual feelings that I don't understand too at these times, so it's not just my Dad in the grey area in these situations, but I hate it. I feel really sad and angry about it because I spent so long as a sexually-frustrated teenager trying to get a boyfriend and trying to find a sexual partner, then realising actually I don't like boys as much as girls but still feeling intimacy issues. I identify as Bisexual, with more homoromantic leanings in attraction. I've only had one boyfriend, that lasted a few weeks when I was 15, and I only went out with him because he liked me and I was slightly attracted to him. I had low self-esteem. I soon realised the relationship was going nowhere, and I recognised that I was going to far with him sexually (though we never had sex) and doing things I wasn't comfortable with simply because I was frustrated with the sense of sexual dormancy that I felt. Fundamentally, the lust just wasn't there. That's happened a few times since with random guys I've not dated but made out with. Now I'm more comfortable with perhaps being more lesbian, I hang out with a lot more lesbians, and I feel that same sense of sexual obligation. It rarely works out with people I crush on, but I'm still trying and I'm optimistic about my prospects in the next few years, but at the same time for the moment with a lot of the girls I hang out with that like me I feel this obligation. I feel like because they're attracted to me I feel a bit of attraction to them, but it's in the same vein as that between me and my father :X With these girls, they're not the ones I have crushes on or are actually interested in beyond friends, and I'm not even sexually interested in them, even though I feel sexual tension. I'm not sure how to explain it. To me, it's the same feeling that people speak about when women who are (if you'll excuse the extreme example) raped and feel orgasms. It's not a sexual relationship I'm interested in pursuing, but there is "background noise" if you will between me and them that wouldn't necessarily happen with others. Because I'm used to getting with people I don't actually like, I feel this sense of sexual obligation as I've said, mixed with guilt for being shallow and not giving them a chance, and loneliness and all of this. It really hurts, and I think it's time to talk about it. I want to resolve this issue, because so many people have confronted me about my inability to maintain eye contact with people who I sense are attracted to me, and my natural response in body language to them, feeling awkward, as if I like them back, when in fact I feel their sexual energy pressing on me. I wish I was more comfortable. It got to the point where I felt uncomfortable dressing up and looking good around my father about to go out, because I was so bothered by his reaction. It pressed on me. He wouldn't be able to look me in the eye etc etc. I wish I could just recognise that he is a separate person to me, and his thoughts and feelings aren't solely my responsibility, and that I can dress and be who I want for myself. But sometimes it's just not that simple. I don't flirt with people for this reason. It's affecting my ability to go out there and talk to girls in social situations where we could be friends for instance. I feel very uncomfortable considering both the romantic, social and sexual aspects of a relationship, as this sexual awkwardness means I always want to keep things platonic with friends, and I don't like the lines being blurred. Any advice would be appreciated. This is the biggest secret of mine and I definitely cried writing this. It's a demon of mine, and it hurts to even think about.
Wait, your dad had a boner while arguing with you? are you sure he isn't just super large down their?
Yeah. This has happened quite a few times. I really wouldn't assume it if it wasn't true, and it's not really something I feel comfortable thinking about either. It's pretty obvious when someone has a boner, no?
That must be super uncomfortable for you, like he's your dad so that'd be awkward but I remember hearing about some theory about all daughter's secretly being sexually attracted to the parent of the opposite sex which causes them to choose partners that resemble them, I think it was Freud or something.
The problem with Freud is he didn't believe in actually testing his theories out scientifically, so a lot of them are complete nonsense. Many people do pick partners similar to their parents, but that's more to do with social learning than with attraction to the parent. (You learn how to have a relationship from your parents' models.) As for your father, OP, it sounds like he has a serious psychological issue. It's great that he hasn't tried to act on his feelings, but he really should get counseling. Therapy can help, as long as he is willing to cooperate with it. Keep in mind that as long as he isn't acting on his feelings, a counselor is required to keep what he says confidential, so he can be safe to open up to it. On your part, it sounds like you're not actually attracted to him back, just reacting to his own feelings. It's a basic human response to mirror other people's emotional responses, and being regularly exposed to his sexual attraction to you has probably sensitized you to reacting to people who are attracted to you.
Okay, first of all, Freud was wrong about everything-- he was a twisted old Austrian immigrant pedophile who saw phalluses wherever he went and decided to write books that sounded so smart about it at the time so people wouldn't accuse him of being the sex offender he was. Second, I know this sounds odd, because the title of this thread is what brought me here, I need to say that some people get erections when they're angry, frustrated, arguing or aren't getting their way. How do I know this? I'm one of them. I'm sorry to be so explicit, but here goes: My strongest erections come from when I'm am super mad about something, or frustrated, like when I can't program a VCR's alarm clock or get the WiFi set up right-- I just get a massive erection from getting myself angry and worked up. Some people are just like this, I don't know why. Perhaps it's my own hatefulness towards the idea of sexuality in general, my adverseness to wanting to engage in that, which bakes some horrible chemical reaction in my brain so that when I feel strong negative emotions I become sexually aroused.
