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HOCD? Straight? Bi? Gay? Psychotic? Please help?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Meza2007, Mar 1, 2014.

  1. Meza2007

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    A year and some time ago a week after the death of my Grandfathers death I went to a local community college football game with a few friends of mine, while there i noticed the cheerleaders like any other straight man, but then noticed there was a flamboyant male cheerleader. I thought "O a guy cheerleader, he must be gay, wait how did i know that, o its because im gay". Thats when the problems really began, my life literally changed and now everything to me is very different. I will admit I once thought this before but watched gay porn, not to sound rude, but found it very gross, so i said hey i dont like it we are done with it, never came up again. But after the cheerleader instance the thoughts happen 24/7 literally. In the begining i tried to do what i did before watch gay porn to see if i liked it but always wanted to vomit when watching, but the thoughts didnt go away. Now when i watch it i never receive a boner not sure if it is because i am not allowing myself or if i just dont find it attractive but am not freaked out by it anymore either. Typically when i watch the gay porn i watch straight after always getting hard by the straight porn. But on both occasions i dont touch myself i just watch and see if i get hard. What kinda scared me was when once I saw a sheman porn type and I got semi hard when I saw the breasts and the semi hard penis didn't go away. Also when watching the gay porn sometimes my mind would stray and think of past girls kinda got hard and then stopped and tried to get back to knowing I'm watching gay porn. The issue with this is if I was allowing myself to be ok if I liked it but I've watched it many times and don't get hard unless the other circumstances. But in the beggining the thoughts went something like this "are you gay" "why do you think you are gay" "you must be gay you like guys" "you have always liked guys look in your past you fucked like 20 guys" "you never liked a girl" "no andres you never had sex with a girl before" "when you had sex you were thinking of a guy anyways" "andres you have never came on a girl stop lying to yourself". Now when i make out with girls i feel like i am forcing myself to kiss them. And then i ask myself "wait why havent i got hard yet, o its not a guy thats why" and then when i get hard its because i think "o you are getting hard because its a guy" recently i started talking to a girl and i believe that i really like her although at times i think "Andres dont do this you are . going to hurt her because you are gay". I get hard all the time we make out and all the girls in my past ive gotten hard when making out even just hugging some i got hard feeling their breasts push against me. But recently more than the beginning the thoughts went from what if I got with a guy it went to what if I kissed that guy or if we had sex or if I think he is sexy or hot. I have noticed that some guys actually are hot or they do look good but I don't know if I actually like them. I constantly am checking if I am getting hard with the thoughts or what's happening. But recently and again sorry for the long message and if things don't make sense, I went to a gay club to see how things would go, I went and I can tell myself that I had so much fun and danced with a bunch of guys but in reality I didn't I stood around and just watched and when my friend who I went with which was a girl went to the restroom I waited outside because I was nervous, but then saw a guy made eye contact and don't remember what I thought and he left. Then went back to the dance floor saw two guys grinding on Eachother and found it gross, and they had go go guy dancers and watched to see If I would get hard but didn't but noticed they were good lookin guys. While there I spoke to some guys they were pretty cool people, and noticed that there were some cute ones too. A few days later I was freaking out told a guy who I thought was gay told me he wasn't but later offered to give me head and kiss me to check, and at the idea of getting head I think I got hard and I liked the idea of getting head that someone wanted to give it to me. So that day I went to go see him at a park, I was very anxious and nervous, and when and tried to kiss him twice but I was at the point of crying freaking out so much. And then finally I pecked him and just couldn't do it, I freaked out and then I asked him what happened and he told me "you had your eyes open and you were just freaking out". But at the same time I don't feel like I allowed myself a chance to try and enjoy it but the whole time I just kept telling myself I don't want to do this. In football it was normal to call Eachother cuties between us linemen and messing around slapping Eachother pats on the asses telling Eachother we looked good was ok. We even once tried watching porn together as weird as this sounds with our legs touching to see who would get hard first but I could never get hard because it was just weird knowing other guys were touching me. I tried to include everything I could think of I know you aren't a psychology but any help would be great gain sorry for this long essay and all the mistakes. Any questions I will answer also I started analyzing my past for any signs.. Forgive me but also, a week ago I saw a guy who had make up on and looked very feminine and I thought wow you know what that's a beautiful man. Of course that freaked me out, but also I was in choir and my instructor was gay, and I was very cool with it in 9th grade I went to project safe zone which was put of my the gay straight alliance at my school to educate people and not be discriminatory, It was really cool and I'm cool with gay people I support gay rights, and now that I have these thoughts I think I support gay rights because I'm gay. Also I went in a choir trip to France with my teacher and classmates my teacher brought his boyfriend along, and this was during the time I had these thoughts, when I saw them together I thought it was cool that they looked so happy and just like I would look at any couple I thought it was cute. And of course that led me to think I was gay. Forgive me trying to give as much as I can. Finally this guy on my football team had blue eyes and looked like he had make up on, I thought the same thing that he was a beautful guy.
     
    #1 Meza2007, Mar 1, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2014
  2. Nick07

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    Hi,

    maybe if you could break it in paragraphs... This wall of text is almost impossible to read.

    After reading just the title of the thread - what about looking for someone you like as a friend, regardless of their gender? And then see if the friendship could turn into something more?
    I am afraid we can hardly tell you who you like or suppose to like.
     
  3. Ettina

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    You sound straight to me. It sounds like whenever you're watching porn, you only get hard if there's a girl involved (in the real video, or you getting distracted and thinking of one).