So basically I just kind of need to vent/ask for some advice on a few things and some of the issues span multiple categories so I figured that I should put this in the general advice section. Background Info: My name is Max. I'm gay. I'm 17 and I live in Texas. I'm an atheist, but my family and 99% of my friends are religious (mostly Christian). My mom works at a church and takes the bible very literally. Due to the way that she talked about homosexuality, I figured that I would be a lot safer if I didn't tell her. Several months ago, however, she happened to read my journal and found out that I was gay. Luckily, she didn't react as bad as I thought she would, but she still doesn't really accept it and thinks that it's a choice/act of rebellion. My dad found out from my mom about me being gay, but he was fine with it. My brother still doesn't know. I should also mention that my parents have been divorced for about 7 years. A few months ago I contemplated suicide, but I was freaked out by this and got help. I've been seeing a therapist regularly since then. End of Background Info So basically I have been struggling with a few things recently. I'll try to put them in sort of order but I'm not really sure how organized I can make it. Well, first of all, my mom has decided that I have to go to church which wouldn't be too bad... except for the fact that every church she wants to go to hates gays and takes the bible literally. I talked to my therapist about this and he told me that basically parental rights trump children's rights unless a court decides that the child is in danger. I was rather surprised about this... I could have sworn learning about religious freedom in school but apparently that only applies to adults. I find myself getting angrier every week about this. Also, every Sunday is absolutely awful. By the time we get to church every morning everyone is in a bad mood. I gave up fighting her on this awhile ago, but I usually feel so depressed and angry that my mom and brother pick up on it. It usually takes several hours after church for me to feel better and get back to being myself. Unfortunately, by going to church every week, I keep getting a renewed self-hatred about being gay and makes me doubt myself. Just when I seem to accept myself again, church comes around again and the cycle starts all over again. Am I just being selfish? Am I being Immature? Should I just man up and try to get through this last year of being under my mom? Another problem is the fact that my mom won't allow me to come out to my brother or the public in general (This includes the majority of my friends and my fans because I have a somewhat substantial youtube fan-base. I was already out to a few of my friends though but neither I nor them are allowed to reveal it to anyone else). On top of this, I'm also not allowed to have a boyfriend, or bring any friends over who think homosexuality is alright. This has caused me to be fairly lonely and I wind up not having much of a social life. The next issue involves both my mom and my brother. Basically, I think my brother might have some problems... he has several nervous habits, he's very anti-social, he's passive aggressive, and he seems to not like himself. He has made many comments about how bad he looks or disgracing the family. On top of all of this he and my mom get in fights almost every day. Sometimes the fights get physical to at least some degree, and they start over something stupid, like using proper etiquette or feeding the pets in a timely fashion. They fight for hours at a time... and when it gets physical I have to intervene. And once the fight is over, I typically have to try and calm both sides down individually in their rooms. Luckily the worst fight they have got in only resulted in my brother's knee going through the wall. I have several concerns with all of this. First of all, I'm worried about my brother's well-being. There is something very wrong and I don't know what I can do. At times, it seems to be getting worse. Another concern I have involves myself. I'm concerned about the effects this is having on me. Whenever they fight, I go to my computer, plug in headphones, and turn music up as loud as I can bear and then I try and tune everything out which to me doesn't seem normal. Of course, I can usually tell when I need to intervene still though because I'll start to be able to hear them yell over the music or hear something break. These fights make me really depressed for several hours as well and I usually find myself blocking everything out well after the whole thing has gone down. Any advice on what to do? The next issue trying to understand my mom... she doesn't make sense to me. She still thinks homosexuality is an abomination and she seems to hate me at times. She also assumes that I'm trying to make my brother gay too, which is ridiculous considering the fact that I'm not even allowed to tell him that I'm gay, much less show him any "gay propaganda". She also uses the common excuse of 'hate the sin but love the sinner' which to me is the same as telling a black person 'I don't hate you, I just hate that your black' so in reality you do hate the person. All the things she does though that come across as hateful though, I can tell that she thinks she is doing what is best for me, and that's what hurts me the most. I can't understand how she could think that teaching me who I am is wrong and filthy all the time will help me. I actually wish that she simply hated me and was doing these things to me to hurt me. At least then I could hate her back or maybe even ignore her, but because I can tell she loves me, I get confused and kind of shut down. It seems wrong to fight back when I can tell that she is doing all of this because she loves me. I've tried reasoning with her about religion and homosexuality, but everything I say is ignored or makes her get angry. What should I do? Another issue that I have is trying to decide what to do with my life. I have always made straight A's in school and everyone tells me that I could easily do whatever I wanted to in life, but the problem is that everything that I want to do doesn't seem to satisfy everyone else. When I was around 5, I was literally researching colleges already and I wanted to be an engineer. Now, however, I have not payed much attention to the prospect of college and I have kind of decided that I want to do something with gaming. Seems like a waste in comparison right? The thing is though, that I love gaming and I'm very good at it. I currently play professionally, which means that I get to go to events and compete for money, and it means that I'm able to maintain a decent youtube channel. It just kind of seems like a waste of effort when I could be saving lives in the medical field, inventing something, or learning more about how our universe works. The thing is though, while I've been good at everything I've done in school (engineering, drafting, animation, physics, etc.) the only thing that I have really enjoyed has been gaming. There are a few problems with gaming though. The first problem is the pay. Most gamers who compete in the particular game I play, make around 20-30k a year, mostly off of streaming and youtube. Some, however, make closer to 300k a year, so it ranges quite a bit which is a little nerve racking since it would be nice to know with more certainty how much I might make. Another problem is that when you play games professionally, it usually involves a 8-12 work day, 7 days a week. In my case though, I usually allow gaming to only take up about 5-6 hours a day. This still causes a lot of stress, especially while I'm in school still and I have a family (although I must say I enjoy the excuse of not having to interact with them which is kind of sad). Please keep in mind that I'm not playing video games that long each day for pure enjoyment, I'm currently taking this as a job. I understand that a lot of people don't think that playing video games can be difficult or stressful, but I'm telling you, when your well-being and wage can come down to one play that you make in a span of 1 sec, well... it gets stressful (yes, an entire match or tournament can come down to 1 play, much like football or basketball). So basically, I just want an outside perspective on this matter... should I settle for something as a career that is less enjoyable, but more stable and productive to society? The next issue involves another thing that my mom has done and I kind of just need some outside opinions on it. So recently, as in a few days ago, my mom put some software on my computer that allows her to see and control what time of day and what websites I'm allowed to go onto. The reason she did this was because she watched a christian film called 'Finding Faith' in which some girl got abducted because she agreed to meet some random dude off the internet and because she wants to control where I get my information from. (she is extremely conservative and refuses to accept anything from liberals... for me personally I like to cross-reference between both sides). Luckily, however, I'm still allowed to go to this website. Anyway, in my opinion, this is a massive invasion of personal privacy. What do you guys think? The next issue is rather embarrassing but it's been causing me some grief so I kind of need to talk about it (don't worry I won't go into to many details). Basically... I'm kind of addicted to porn... and now I can't watch it because pornography is blocked. Technically this is a good thing, but for right now, this is just adding stress because I'm kind of going through withdrawal. Does anybody have any tips on moving on from this sort of thing? The last issue that I will talk about is the fact that I have thought a lot about death recently... not just my own. I should clarify that at this point I don't actually want to die or harm anyone else, but I have found myself fantasizing about these things. For example, sometimes I will find myself trying to go to sleep and all I can think about is what death might be like and different scenarios of it. I also find myself in church daydreaming about the pastor or my mom dying... sometimes rather graphically and usually caused by me. I just find this disturbing... it doesn't seem normal to think about these sort of things right? So yeah, sorry about the long post, but I just kind of needed to get some of this off of my chest. Any advice on any of the issues would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading!
Hi there First I want to say, it's always so sad to hear about all the people who don't have supportive parents. I feel for you, and I really hope it gets better soon. I, like you, also got A's for everything and have been told I can do anything with my life... but also, like you, nothing's really been enjoyable for me... I also do some professional gaming, but unfortunately the only game I play at a professional level is quite difficult to make any money in because the community isn't that big, so now it's more just a hobby I do for fun. And I've kind of lost the passion to go and learn new games... Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to let you know that I kind of understand how you feel. As for your mum, unfortunately she simply doesn't accept it, and it looks like she isn't going to anytime soon either. I guess you have two options: 1) talk to her about it and try to change her mind and 2) just put up with it until you move out. If you want to persuade her, you're going to need to tell her that it is NOT a choice, and that you feel very hurt that she does not accept you. If she resorts to religious arguments, you need to tell her quite forcefully that she does not have any right to tell you what to believe in terms of religion. You should also tell her that it hurts you that she forces you to go to institutions that do not accept you for the person you are and force on others their beliefs quoted from a translated book written however many hundred years ago. Are there any LGBT youth support groups in your area? Try searching on google, perhaps with a friend's phone or internet so your mum doesn't know. These places help people in your position, and you can just go without telling your mum. About the fights, my sister and mum had the same problem... often to the point that both of them were screaming at each other at 3am.... I know how unpleasant it is. I don't really think there's anything you can do. Please don't feel like it's your fault; it's not. You can try things like getting everyone to watch a film together or something. About the porn... It's not the healthiest addiction to be honest....so it might actually not be too bad a thing. Can you masturbate with your imagination? Or with non-nude pictures or videos? Try it if you can, it will help you be less dependent on porn. Anyway, I really hope things get better for you soon. If you need someone to talk to, post on my wall anytime, I'll always try and help out if I can (*hug*)
I had a huge long response written out for you and clicked post and found out I had been logged out. My hand is not going to let me type that much again so I will condense as well as I can. 1. you mention your dad was fine with your homosexuality. Can you live with him? It sounds like you could not be much worse off than living with your mother and the way she is treating you. 2. Forcing you to go to church and listen to anti-homosexual hatred in the name of God is torture. It is not immature or selfish of you to be upset, angry, and hurt by this. It is also not unusual in those circumstances to have negative thoughts about your mom or the pastor while they are forcing hate on you. 3. Talk to your dad and your therapist about your mom and brother fighting. The fact of them verbally fighting all the time is bad enough but the fact it gets physical needs to be addressed. 4. How does your dad feel about you coming out to your brother and everyone else? Again, think about the possibility of living with him if he would be more supportive of you. 5. Your mom might love you and might be trying to do everything out of love for you but what she is doing is hateful and hurtful. From your post you seem very good at expressing yourself, perhaps a calm letter telling her how her actions are making you feel might help her understand that her actions are causing you pain and stress. It might not help but you wont know without trying. 6. Career/education - okay. Being poor sucks. Working a job you dont like sucks. If you are making money doing something you enjoy then try to find a way to keep doing that while working at a backup plan. Instead of "I will quit making money and go to college full time" maybe rethink that to "if I increase gaming, make more money, and go to college part time to start" kinds of plans. Are there things related to gaming that you might enjoy that would be more financially stable for the future? 7. While I will grant the possibility that your mom intends only to protect with the installation of the software I find it to be completely intrusive and feel it would make most people become sneaky trying to regain some bit of privacy. I personally find open, honest conversations, acceptance and support for my daughter to be far more effective than spying on her or blocking her access to things. Since she comes to me and asks before doing so much as adding a new facebook game I think it is working pretty well. 8. Since you are blocked from porn I agree with WhiteShadows that it is time to develop your imagination. 9. Again, negative thoughts about the people who are making you feel like crap are not unusual. You might want to let your therapist know that you are very stress and very negative right now. Remember that all that negativity you are hearing in church is b.s. God is love. God made you just the way you are, therefore God loves you. So the pastor misinterprets the bible to think being gay is evil. That is between the pastor and God and I am sure God will set him straight when his time comes. If God wanted you straight He would have made you that way. I hope things get better for you soon. Hang in there.
So, I am going to help you out the best I can, although, this may not be of any use, in which case I still wish you luck in however it turns out. This is kind of unordered and random, so I hope that isn't too big of a problem. As far as negative thoughts about killing people goes, that is perfectly normal. Personally as I grew up if I was ever afraid of something I found different ways of getting past my fears. As happens to many people I was, at one point, afraid of spiders. The way I was able to deal with this was through ripping off a few of the spiders legs and watching it squirm... Unfortunately this led to an almost satanic ritualistic killing of small animals and insects... so, fantasizing about killing people, is ok as long as you aren't actually doing it. To put it simply, you aren't murdering things for pleasure, and that's good. As far as the software on your computer is concerned, it would literally take less than an hour of free time to bypass the software lockdown the computer, and block all access from your mom. In the past my parents have done things like this, and being the insanely controlling person I am, I pretty much tore through every security measure they had on the computer within a week or two. This really comes down to respect, since you console your brother and your mother I would assume you have respect towards her. There is nothing wrong with respecting people, in fact respecting people is awesome, but this may cause you to just lie back and let her take over. Simply from writing your post it sounds like you are looking for help, the best recommendation I can come up with would be if you honestly want her to not have control over your computer, get a usb drive and install linux onto it. You can then boot from linux whenever you are looking for privacy. note: this does take a bit of effort to make everything properly function, but it ends up being an amazing way to drag your personal computer around with you everywhere you go. Now church, in my household church is a touchy subject. Since I was raised in a specific church, and my parents have "taught me correctly" I, according to them, should believe everything that this church tells me. Well, according to them *in Barney's little kid voice* being gay is a choice and people who are gay are really bad and they should be avoided.*end of voiceover* So... That is the main reason I don't really believe in the God that 'everyone else' seems to talk about. I attend church simply to make my parents happy. Whenever someone at any church starts talking about why being gay is wrong I physically start paying more attention. This allows me to know the reasons people are going to eventually tell me, and have at least some kind of answer ready. To paraphrase this entire paragraph, go to church imagining it is just a psychology course in which you learn about how a large collection of people, including your mother, gather ideas. This allows you to better understand people, and later, allow you to keep your feet on the ground when discussing topics that are close to your heart, such as sexuality. Since you mentioned your dad a few times, but never brought up the idea of moving in with him, my assumption is that you don't have that ability, in which case I would start saving up as much money as you can, and then move out when possible. On the other hand, if you do, in fact, have the ability to move in with your dad, it sounds like you may be better off doing so. Lastly, you mentioned that your brother and mother fight. Your brother sounds remarkably similar to me a few years ago. Honestly, if he is anything like I was, my guess of why he feels and acts the way he does is relatively simple. He is tired of your mother constantly holding a knife to his neck. By this I mean that he and her are probably both pretty controlling, and the fact that she has so much control over him is terrorizing him. As far as what you can do to help him, the best thing, maybe for both of you, is just invite him to the park, or anywhere really, where it is just the two of you. Maybe let him decide what you do, and kind of let him take over if he is up for it. Unfortunately people with huge personalities tend to force others away from them, and it sounds like your mother definitely has one, and your brother might. This is what I was able to come up with. Everything I wrote is specifically from personal experience, so I hope it is of some use. If you ever need anything, just remember, there will always be someone on these forums to help you. Side Note: It might be a good idea to start going to these forums from a public computer, such as a library computer or something. If your mom were to look at any of your posts it may do exponential harm. Good luck, I hope life starts picking up soon. (*hug*)
First of all, I would just like to thank everyone who has posted so far for their detailed and caring responses. It really means a lot to me. I didn't think that people would actually take the time to try and address all/most of the problems that I am having. One common theme that I've seen so far is the suggestion of moving in with my father which sounds like a good idea, although, as foxfish picked up on, I don't have the ability to do so. There's a few reasons for this and if anybody knows away around them, then I'm all ears. Firstly, when my parents got divorced, my mom claimed the reason was because he was verbally abusive. He went along with this so that he could still get visitation rights and to make it easier on us. From what I have seen however, my mom is the one (if anyone) who has been verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive. To be fair though, I don't have much memory from before the divorce so I don't know how my dad was. (I'm frequently told conflicting stories from both sides.) Due to the nature of the divorce, I'm not sure that it would be possible to convince a judge or jury to allow me to live with my dad without extensive and expensive legal actions (there is no doubt that my mom would fight him 'taking me' from her) . It is possible that my dad could come up with enough money, but it would drain him financially most likely. Also the emotional strain that would come from this might prove to be to much because it would turn into quite a battle between my parents. It may be worth it however, if for nothing else than to get my brother into a safer environment. I will definitely give this further thought. Another somewhat common suggestion was to go out to public places alone, with my brother, or to meet up with an lgbt community of some sort. This would be fine except for a few things... My mom has cameras on the perimeter of the house to watch who comes and goes. I'm also not allowed to go anywhere without an adult present that she has approved of. (Yes, that means if I was going with a group of 4 or 5 people that are 17 I wouldn't be allowed to go. This also means that whatever adult I go with, you can bet your life on the fact that it will be a strong-willed christian who has the same worldview as her.) To be fair though, I should mention that the original intention of these cameras was to prevent our neighbor from killing our pets or vandalizing our property (he has made multiple threats). Also, I can't drive anywhere without telling my mom where I'm going. (Plus, as I've said, an adult has to go as well). I'm willing to bet that even if I could get her to let me go places alone or with my brother, I would have to tell her where and she would probably check the amount of time gone and the amount of gas left in the tank. (She's very thorough when it comes to controlling everyone else.) I should also mention that due to me being sick a lot (I missed nearly 40 days of school in the first semester of this year) I have been put in online school now so I'm home alone every day of the week so maybe there is something that could be worked out. So if anyone knows a way around some of these problems that would be very appreciated. Another thing is that while it doesn't seem likely that my mom will come to understand that it isn't a choice to be gay, it is still possible. It hasn't been more than half a year yet since I was forced to come out to her so perhaps she might change her mind. The idea of taking the experience of church as more of a psychology course is an interesting one... human behavior can be quite fascinating. The only problem is when I get into situations (like a youth service for example) where we are in close proximity and we are free to respond to the message. It becomes rather difficult for me to not express any emotion when one person after another in the room validates the pastor's opinion on how homosexuality is an abomination. I would just voice my opinion on the matter to them but I realize that if I did so I would at least be verbally attacked and ganged up on. (Even if I don't let them know that I'm gay, if I just support the lgbt community, or have any other viewpoint than the pastor's for that matter, I will get persecuted.) It's also rather disturbing when I see children who are just learning how to speak being indoctrinated into their beliefs. I literally get chills when I see groups of children repeating back their hateful speech or unfounded arguments. (I should reiterate that what I'm describing is not how I feel about all Christians or all religious individuals. This merely involves how I feel and what I see at the type of church that my mom likes to go to.) I do believe, however, that if I can actually view the entire experience as a psychology course, it will probably help me quite a bit with how angry and depressed I normally feel as a result, so thank you for the suggestion. On the issue of the software, I wasn't aware that there where ways around it and I will definitely do more research on that matter. About the porn, I agree that this will be a good side effect of the software in the long run, however, for now it just kind of sucks. In response to katwat's question about if there are other things related to gaming that I would enjoy that are more financially stable, I honestly don't know for sure. I would most likely enjoy some kind of career in animation, graphic design, or game development, but I can't be 100% certain because I don't have access to any of the necessary programs or courses at the moment. That is definitely something that I will try to explore though. Also in response to katwat about writing a letter to my mom, I think that it's a good idea... I'm just not sure if I could keep a level-head while doing so. I kind of feel like I would wind up provoking her instead, but perhaps with careful revision and some time I might be able to come up with something decent. So once again, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to try and help me! You guys/gals are awesome!
Oh and one last thing, my mom can't see anything I post on this website... I made sure that she marked this website under the approved list. She can only see what I type or where I go if she has marked it as unapproved or automatically comes with a mature rating. Just wanted to mention this since I know a few of you expressed concerns about my mom seeing anything on here.
Ugh.... your mum makes me mad.... and so does your church community......... Seriously, I can't even imagine living with somebody so controlling. I'm so sorry for you. I think you REALLY need to find a way around this control system... I think you have every right to go to an LGBT youth group if you want to do that. Just go without her permission.... or tell her you are somewhere else.... or get a friend's parent who is perhaps accepting to pretend to "supervise" you.... or just convince her to let you go... Have you had any more thoughts about whether or not you are going to firmly try to tell her that you don't want to go to church and that it's unfair how she's controlling your life? I feel for you, I really do...
Lmao, all of my friends have said the exact same thing. I have discussed with her about not going to church multiple times and I have tried to show her why I think that her logic is flawed but she just gets offended. She is currently using the excuse that if I don't go to church, then my brother will try to stop going as well, which is kind of true... he's very anti-social and doesn't want to go to youth group alone. I think it's about time for him to overcome this though, I mean, he's 14. And honestly, I don't want him going to that church anyway... their ideology is extremely harmful and I would hate to lose him even more to their indoctrination. Also, I'll talk to my mom about letting me go to some kind of lgbt youth group... if there's even one around here. As far as I know, there isn't even another gay person in my area. It's so weird for me... I've never even gotten to talk to someone in person who is gay/lesbian/bi/trans/queer. I mean, I'm sure there's probably some other gay people around me, but no one has the guts to be open about it, and for good reason too. There's just to many people who hate gays where I live.
How long until you're 18? Because at that point you will have a lot more rights and freedom than you do now.
I will turn 18 in roughly 6 months... at which point she will make me pay rent and will want me to still follow her rules, although she said she would be more flexible.
