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Am I straight or a lesbian/bi-sexual in denial? HOCD/OCD/DEPRESSION/ANXIETY. help!

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by depressedliz23, Mar 6, 2014.

  1. Hi, for personal reasons I'd like to keep my name private. I'm a 19 year old female. Since last year I've never questioned my sexuality. The reason for me questioning my sexuality is because my boyfriend at the time (around December 2012), made a joke and said "you dress like a dyke" which to my dismay made me pretty depressed and made me question who I was even after years of having crushes on boys since pre-kindergarten. Liking a female in any way, crushing, falling in love, sexual attraction I can never recall a time where any of that has happened. Now I'm not sure if it is because I have pushed those thoughts to the side if I had them or if they never happened at all? The first time I had a spike of lesbian thoughts I cried my eyes out. I do not want a lesbian life, I do not see myself marrying a woman and although I have no problem towards gays (my aunt is a lesbian) but I don't want to marry a woman, I want to marry a man.
    I'll take this back further to when I was younger and actually starting having sexual experiences. I was friends with a girl whom was my mom's friend's daughter. We would play house and I would get on top of her and grind on her to see if I felt any arousal. This was probably when I was about 8-9 years old. During this time no, I didn't have a crush on her but sometimes I feel as if I took advantage of her and that made me spike.
    I would constantly go to school(I was in college around this time already when it started) and look at girls girls girls, wonder if I was attracted to them, if I could see myself with them and whenever I felt as if I were aroused (becoming wet) I would run to the bathroom to realize nothing was there. It was completely horrible and I wanted nothing to do with these thoughts. I told my ex boyfriend (boyfriend at the time) how I felt and he just laughed saying I couldn't possibly be a lesbian. I broke it off with him in around July 2013 because I no longer felt any connection with him, he was boring, very annoying + clingy although I had a very strong crush on him the first two months we began dating.
    I remember myself to be a very girly girl, I loved wearing dresses and heels and soon I started wearing sneakers more and playing video games which to I remember caused another spike for me. I wasn't really into makeup in middle school but towards 11th grade of high school I started wearing it more but still I enjoy playing video games but enjoy wearing makeup and dressing up to go out places, doing my nails and hair etc.
    now it is 2014 I am not with my current boyfriend, we started dating in december and made it more official in january. while I was with him I had a job but was currently not in school. I was very jealous when it came to him, I would always be jealous of the girls he used to talk to because they were much more prettier than I am. I was always self-conscious because growing up I had terrible acne which I am still trying to cope with due to scars. I didn't feel good enough for him because I looked nowhere near as pretty as the girls he's talked to. I've always been insecure about my looks at certain times and about my life I never really felt good enough. Then I lost my job and found out I couldn't go back to school because I owed money for dropping a class last semester. I had no money to pay off the school and it made me feel even worse. My boyfriend has been supportive but I've caused arguments with him due to certain expectations I've had but I do not stay mad at him and we make up every time. I do love my boyfriend (love isn't an emotion it's an action and I'd do anything for him), we've had sex and honestly it was the best I've had. I care about him and I do not want the way I feel to come in between this. I guess I became much more discouraged because we started talking less after he started school which I understand but we still text every day and talk on the phone once in a while.
    This is just very hard thing to struggle with, I have small breasts and I sometimes often look at other girls that have bigger breasts than me wishing I had big breasts as well. Which also made me spike. I would often become curious and even that now makes me spike. I just don't want these thoughts anymore. I go to sleep anxious and wake up anxious. Not having a job and not being able to go to school has made me become sick of myself. I do not feel good enough and I feel terrible. I stay home all day and do nothing but search up stories of other people with HOCD and girls turning lesbian. I read an article about a woman who's relationships never worked out until she met a woman. I don't want that to happen to me. I enjoy sex with the opposite gender and I do not in any way want to try same gender sex. I would freak out.
    I just seriously need help. My anxiety spikes the most because I no longer cry due to these thoughts and that makes it worse, I checked myself over and over again whenever I saw a picture of a naked girl and my heart would just race wondering if I was sexually attracted to her. My heart palpitates and it's horrible because I feel that I've become used to feeling this way, used to having these thoughts which I do not want at all. I even tried to picture a girl holding me while it was my boyfriend and it freaked me out. (I've watched porn when I was younger as well, I first watched it when I was about 8 and have watched it on and off but have stopped once I began having spikes again. when I usually watched porn I pictured I was the girl and the guy was doing me but since my spikes I now doubt myself and wonder if I pictured myself as the guy instead)
    also, I'm very close with my mom and not so much with my father. I go to my mom for everything but not my father so much. he has cheated on my mom in the past and hasn't really ever been there for me plus they always argue. (they are still together btw I also still live with them) I don't know if this really has much to do with it.
    I just want to be able to continue to enjoy the relationship I have with my current boyfriend. I do not want anyone else at this point and these thoughts just kill it for me. My sex drive sometimes is there but it takes longer for me to get turned on by him when in the beginning I was so easily turned on that every time we kissed I became wet.
    If anyone can please just give me a clear view on this and how you overcame it would be great. When I broke up with my ex boyfriend from December the Lesbian thing went away but now that I'm with my new boyfriend it has came back and I do not want to become used to these thoughts. I'm trying so hard to find a job to take my mind off things. when I am with him out somewhere I enjoy being with him even when he is over at my house or I am over at his house. I just want to be able to become as wet as I used to before this depressive and anxious episode hit me. I hope it is not due to me actually being a lesbian. I feel as if everything I ever knew about myself would be a lie.
     
  2. Re: Am I straight or a lesbian/bi-sexual in denial? HOCD/OCD/DEPRESSION/ANXIETY. help

    can someone please help? :/

    ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2014 at 11:09 PM ----------

    when I wrote "not with my current boyfriend" I meant "now" my apologies. I just need this cleared up some way some how. I cannot enjoy being next to my boyfriend because I keep thinking I'm a lesbian.
     
  3. Zam

    Zam
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    Re: Am I straight or a lesbian/bi-sexual in denial? HOCD/OCD/DEPRESSION/ANXIETY. help

    You clearly have OCD.
    It does not seem to me that you have sexual desires twoards girls at the moment or in the past. You clearly have a trigger moment. And your obession is "Am I attracted to girls"
    This obession is in your brain so you have involontary thoughts about IF you WOULD have or want to have sexual or romantic encounters with girls,because your brain is constantly fearing that.

    I started suffering from OCD about almost a month ago... You have the same paterns as me.

    The only cure is a psychiatrist and a therapist. The only cure is to head on the Obsession directly.

    ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2014 at 08:59 PM ----------

    [YOUTUBE]xlqvwMTqzHY[/YOUTUBE]
    This might help.

    ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2014 at 09:03 PM ----------

    Another Video that might help
    [YOUTUBE]Mz7xVjo57ik[/YOUTUBE]

    ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2014 at 09:04 PM ----------

    Another Video that might help
    Youtube Video[/QUOTE]

    ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2014 at 09:04 PM ----------

    Another Video that might help
    Youtube Video[/QUOTE]

    ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2014 at 09:05 PM ----------

    Sorry, I screwed up that post format ^
     
    #3 Zam, Mar 6, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2014
  4. Re: Am I straight or a lesbian/bi-sexual in denial? HOCD/OCD/DEPRESSION/ANXIETY. help

    thank you very much, I'll be giving those videos a view. I'm hoping to get through this.