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"Bi now, gay later" and other problems

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Will2M, Mar 7, 2014.

  1. Will2M

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    Hey everyone,

    I just read a thread talking about the "bi now, gay later" stereotype (lack of a better word) on this website. I don't think... no, it isn't true, but it got me thinking.

    How do you deal with being legitimately bisexual in regards to relationships with both genders? For example, if I told my girlfriend that I was bisexual she would freak out, not because she is homophobic but because she would think I was cheating on her with a guy and/or didn't love really her. In this type of situation how do I prevent from happening? Do I even want to come out to a significant other if I am still closeted? I have never dated a guy (I'm not out) but I feel like he would be a little more understanding in regards to that.

    Also, once I am out (eventually) is there anything that can prevent girls (guys too, I guess) from thinking it is weird that I go both ways or avoiding me because I do? All I can imagine is that if I came out all the girls would run the other direction which sucks because I am into girls just as much as guys. It's the whole idea of "bi now, gay later." That is what girls would think.

    Bottom line is I don't want to "cut off" one half of the people I am attracted to by coming out, that would totally suck and I'd honestly rather just stay straight if that were to happen. :/

    Help.
     
  2. StillAround

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    Will,

    Thanks for coming to EC. I see that you live in Seattle--good news for you! Have you reached out to PFLAG or googled other teen LGBT support groups in or near Seattle?

    There are plenty of out bi men and women in the Seattle area that you might connect with. Does your school have a GSA? Typically lots of support there, too.

    I'm also sure that others here will have good advice for you. But, not being bi myself, I have no experience to share with you on this.

    Wishing you the best.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. softsprite

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    You know, this is the classic bisexual conundrum. Been there with both girls and boys. There are a lot of issues specific to bisexuality that sometimes get ignored in the general LGBT community, so I'd suggest seeking out bisexual friends to support you as you come out. The "bi now gay later" stereotype is pretty hurtful. As is the double-closet, in which you are straight to straight friends and gay to gay friends and have to keep the two lives separate. Partner trust is a big issue as well.

    I love Robyn Ochs, and especially her definition of what it means to be bi:

    “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

    Best of luck to you, and don't let anyone (gay or straight) try to tell you who you are. EC is here for you too!

    (*hug*)
     
  4. Ettina

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    I think there is a grain of truth to it, actually.

    Of course, there are plenty of genuinely bisexual people, and this stereotype can be damaging and invalidating to them.

    But there are some gays who identify as bisexual and then realize they're actually gay.

    Essentially, when you're closeted to yourself, you're doing a pile of mental tricks to explain away anything that isn't consistent with a straight identity. For a gay person, this involves two separate 'bags of tricks', one bag to convince yourself that you're attracted to the opposite gender, and another bag to convince yourself that you're not attracted to the same gender. Some gay people realize they've been repressing same-sex attractions, but they're still tricking themselves into thinking they're attracted to the opposite gender. So they mistakenly identify as bisexual.

    One situation where this seems to be common is when they're in a straight relationship when they start questioning their orientation. Even if they're not sexually attracted to their partner, most gays in straight relationships feel close to their partner and don't want to hurt their partner or lose the special bond they have. Identifying as bisexual may be a way of 'bargaining' to convince themselves that they can acknowledge same-sex feelings without losing their opposite-sex partner.

    It's understandable why a gay person might identify as bisexual when first coming out, but it does make things a lot harder for true bisexuals.