I'm lost

Let me start out with some general details of my life. I grew up in a good family with good parents. However when I was only a few years old my father became very ill and was in and out of the hospital for the rest of my life. Somehow he managed to pull through a "terminally ill" diagnosis and has been alive for almost two decades. The surgeries he went through left him semi paralyzed and prone to injury.

Right now I'm in my mid-twenties, doing a job I always wanted and worked very hard to get. I think during my years between high school and college I filled my free time with as much work as possible so I did not have to come to the realization I was gay.
Over the past 5 or so years, I have tried to not be gay (for a lack of better terms) and have been dating women to seem normal. Obviously the lack of emotions and the lack of desire for women always kept me running from the relationships.

Back to my job. I work in a career field that does not welcome gays with open arms. I don't want to be "that guy" in the workplace and I always feel like I have to live two lives. I act all alpha male at work but in reality that is absolutely not me. Not me one bit.
Within the past few months I decided that I was sick of not having someone to talk to about the real me and signed up for some dating sites. I found someone perfect for me and understood me. We worked in similar career paths and understood each other. We texted at all hours of the day/night and had a lot of similar interests.

Fast forward to this week. I noticed the text messages seemed to decrease in personality and frequency. I had the sense something was up and I asked. We'd be better friends than a couple is the response I got.

Just chalk it up to another failure. I just want to be happy. I opened up to someone for the first time and they crushed me. That's all. I've never been happy and I've never been depressed. I don't even consider myself depressed now. I'm sad and just down. I even tried to cry. I honestly think the last time I let out any real emotion was when I was kid. I've just learned how to deal with the pain and constant bumps in life by suppressing them I'm afraid. I'm exhausted with trying to find someone who understands me only to have them not feel the same.

I just feel so exhausted from hiding, trying to work, trying to find someone, trying to take care of my parents and still have a life for myself.

I posted a similar post on another website and only got one private message from someone who actually wanted to help me. He talked to me for over an hour on Skype and helped me realize some things about myself and what I needed to do. I'm just curious about hearing from other folks as well.

Thanks for hearing me out.

 

Numb actually describes my feelings most days. It's hard to continue feeling numb and hide everyday of every minute.

We were so into each other last night and then the bombshell of "I think we would be better as friends" today. He said I was a great guy, great personality but wasn't romantically attracted to me. Not sure what to think about that.

I'll preface the next paragraph with a little about what I'm going to talk about. In my career, I am constantly hypervigilant of perceived threats. I have to be otherwise I risk getting myself physically harmed or killed. With hypervigilance comes the wave of immediate suspicion and perceived threat of everyone who is not a close friend or co-worker. In layman's terms you build a wall of security around yourself and shield yourself from possibly being harmed. It's a vicious circle; the height of it usually which lasts the first day or two on your days off.

I think the part that hurts the most is he was the first person I fully let my guard down and expressed myself to. I didn't have to hide and I could be myself. I allowed someone in and they caused me the harm which I usual vet out by being hypervigilant. I guess I've never felt this kind of sadness before and don't know how to deal with it.

On the topic of dating sites, I've been using OKC and ###.

 

Thank you so much for your reply, Brave Prince.

An update:

The two weeks following my original post I stopped and looked at my life and the goals I wish to obtain. I decided I was sick of living the way I was and constantly hiding from myself. I setup a 4 week calendar even to decide if I want to come out. I'm currently on week #3. Basically the idea is if I hit week #4 and I still want to come out, I'm going to.

I decided I will do it in stages. First in my personal life and then slowly in my professional life. I'm not one to air my "dirty laundry" at work so I'm not going to go around announcing it. It's not my goal to seek attention and I never want to seek attention for something like this. I've just decided that if someone finds out, I'll deal with it and not deny it.

In my personal life, I've started dating again and been meeting people. It's been a big help to my own mental health and I am no longer down like I was.