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My best friend "Sam"

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Direct, Mar 10, 2014.

  1. Direct

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    2 and a half years ago I met this beautiful man. We were at a party, it was the collective birthday for 3 of my fiends, and this beautiful blond guy walked past me. This has not happened to me in literally decades, but the second i laid my eyes on him, I every particle of my being went, WOW, and I had to meet him.

    I followed after him and then spent the next 2 hours discussing politics and the Occupy movement, which was very current at the time. we didn't exchange numbers, but I knew I would see him again.

    2 days later, the Toronto Occupy camp was being removed by the police and I went down to be supportive to the occupiers. While in the crowd of onlookers I saw "Sam" again, and again we connected and bonded immediately. later we decided to go for a coffee, and as soon as we st down in the café, he locked his eyes with mine and we literally stared into each others eyes for 2 hours. no one has ever done this to me before and it was the most amazingly beautiful thing I have ever experienced. He initiated it, that is important, but I also did not turn away.

    My own birthday was coming up in 3 days and I was planning a party so I invited him to it. I am single, and at that time I was dating a lady friend who identifies as poly-amorous. I am not poly myself, but I m open to all sexual identities. I am making myself sound very sexually active here, but really I am not. I am 50 now, and this was the first time ever I had had such a thing in my life and it only lasted a couple of months. it has never happened again. Generally my sex life is pretty boring/non-existent. I have a fear of intimacy. "Sherry" dumped me because of my fear of intimacy"

    Late in the evening at the party I saw, "Sherry" flirting with "Sam". So I walked over and was completely accepted into the flirtatious conversation. Long story short, "Sherry" and "Sam" both spent the night with me. Such a lovely birthday gift.

    This is where it gets confusing though.

    After that, whenever I was with "Sam" it seemed clear to me that our relationship was of a sexual nature, but he continually pushed me away. Every time we were together we would continue to stare into each others eyes. Again, he was always the one to initiate it.

    He also opened up to me abut his pain. He had just been dumped by a girlfriend of 7 years and was devastated by it. I since got to meet her and she explained to me that he took her for granted and often ignored her. "Sherry" also brought him into her fold briefly but dumped him after a short while too, because of his inattentiveness.

    Every time we got together after that, we would look deeply into each other eyes, and make physical contact. Always a foot or a knee or an arm or something connecting us. He confided in me deeply, told me about when he was in high school, he was accused of being Gay and was severely beaten, they even broke his arm. And that he developed a sever case of PTSD from the all bullying he received back then. I also have PTSD from another very different issue. I was also bullied a lot as a kid, and was called queer long before I even possessed the concept of "queer", but I was never beaten up for it. This isn't why I have PTSD though, but I am sure it is partly why I fear intimacy to this day. He even cried in my arms numerous times over the first few months of our friendship.

    Nothing of any sexual nature ever happened again though, even though I made it clear that I would be into it. In fact I came onto him often, why wouldn't I, the signals were all there, the touching the staring, the previous threesome. (We call it a threesome in Canada, not a threeway as you do in the states.) I could usually get him to start a little but then he would panic and go home. We got naked a few times, or we kissed (full tounge) but nothing more than that.

    We met in October of 2012, in May of 2013, he told me that he did not want to be friends any more because he was not comfortable with the sexual tension between us. He did not want that. I was devastated. I had fallen completely in love with him. I had not allowed myself to fall in love for almost 20 years at that time, and here he was dumping be because I had responded to a very sexually charged friendship in which he had initiated the sexual charge. To be honest he is the very first "guy" I have ever been willing to have as a partner and I wanted to shout from the rooftops, "F:***:ck you world, because I love this guy"

    Clearly he is confused. Clearly he is at the very least, bi. The bullies in school were right, in their assumptions. But also clearly, the bullying and the shaming he received has had such an affect on him that he is not able to accept this thing that is so huge within him.

    This "friendship" has been good for me in getting me to come out of my shell and pursue. I haven't pursued anyone since I was in my 20's. I wrote him a lovely apology for overstepping boundaries, and then generally found excuses to talk to hm on an otherwise friendship level. I wanted him back and I needed to prove to him that I could be just a "friend" if that is all he wanted.

    In August I learned that he was going to Burning Man for the first time. Being a seasoned "Burner" myself, I know all about the necessary "survival" requirements needs. People can and do die at Burning man. It is one of the places on the planet that is incapable of supporting life or any sort, yet annually a city of 60 000 people springs up for a week, for the sake of partying, and celebrating individualism, and creativity. I knew that he was not going to be prepared properly unless I contacted him, so I did.

    I spent an hour and a half on the phone with him discussing what he needed to bring and be prepared for. There was no way I was going to allow him to be hurt at all. It also gave me the opportunity to prove to him my value as a friend, that I was willing to do this. I told him all the little tricks, like putting chap stick on the zipper of your tent, so the alkaline in the dust doesn't cause the zipper to cease, locking you in/out-of your tent.

    I didn't go to burning man that year, as I was preparing to go back to college for yet another diploma, but I did keep in touch with him and after he got back we reconnected. The friendship had been saved.

    It took a while to learn the boundaries, I can touch and hug, I can kiss his forehead, I can stare into his eyes, but that is it. nothing more. Naked still happens occasionally though, and my gosh he looks nice naked.

    This is where our friendship is at. He has a girlfriend, now and has been with her for a year and a half, but he confides in me that he does not feel emotionally connected to her at all, and cannot see himself marrying or having kids with her. They actually break up and get back together on a regular basis. Yet, our emotional connection is stronger than ever.

    He has also since told me he loves me, and I have told him the same.

    My Question now. Will our friendship ever evolve beyond this level of non sexual intimacy, or is this it? I have to admit it is pretty beautiful the way it is. and I would rather have him this way than not at all. Being really and truly in love with someone, even without sex is way better than not being in love at all.
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    He has set a boundary in your relationship and I would avoid crossing it, especially if you can accept things as they are. I don't see any other way unless he can deal with the deep seated feelings that are holding him back from making a bigger commitment to you.

    From what you have told us, the bullying he experienced at school has left an open wound that has never healed. We often underestimate how these early experiences can shape the entire path of our lives and I wouldn't be at all surprised if the emotional torment has become deeply embedded into his psyche. Without good therapy he is unlikely to overcome this.

    The question you need to ask is whether this is damaging you? If you really can content yourself with things as they are, then all the best to you. In the fullness of time "Sam" may realise his feelings for you are such that he needs to deal with the underlying issues, but it's a bit of an unknown really.
     
  3. Direct

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    Thanks, That is pretty much where I was with the issue as well, but I wanted a second opinion. you just confirmed everything.

    He is so supportive to me. unlike anyone ever has been. as an example, he grew up fairly wealthy, I didn't. also my PTSD destroyed my life and my career in a very huge way, which is why at the age of 50 I am back in college. I was driving a patched and patched 27 year old VW cabriolet. It needed much work and was very undependable, and was effecting my ability to go to school.

    He bought himself a new BMW, and GAVE ME his old car, an Audi. He GAVE me an AUDI. Like wow. This is how much he loves me. I love hm so much I want to cry tears of joy every time I think about him.
     
  4. Theron

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    I personally was bullied constantly by my old man and brothers. Physically beaten, emotionally tortured. I was bullied in school. I was sent to gay-fixing camps where they lock you in isolation for hours so you can think about what you've done. I was raped. I was addicted to illegal substances for five years.

    Even with therapy, I still am on a cocktail of medications for PTSD. I have zero self-esteem. I have anxieties and ridiculous phobias. I have incredible amounts of self-doubt.

    What I also have is a sainted and patient boyfriend who lets me set the pace, who pushes me just beyond my limits and then stops because a little pushing helps me to grow. We've been together almost a year, and I don't know what I'd do without him.

    However, every person and situation is different and unique. He may one day come around and realize that you should be together. Or he never may, and if you push too hard, you might push him away. But if you remain a constant rock in his life, even as just a friend, that can be such an incredible source of comfort, even knowing it's there.

    At the same time, I do have to agree with Linco. Your health and happiness are important, too. You shouldn't cling to something that may never be at the expense of joy and a fulfilling life.
     
  5. Direct

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    thank you Theron, and i am happy to hear about the good in your life, sounds like you deserve it.
     
  6. Direct

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    wow, something beautiful happened.

    I was at a party with "Sam" and he and I and a woman we both know spontaneously ended up in a room along together. we started just hugging each other, and it went on from there. it turned into a threesome. while it was gong on, "Sam" let me suck his dick, to completion.

    This was a month ago, and I am still over the moon that it happened.
     
  7. Candace

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    I'm thinking that maybe "Sam" knows that he's gay/bi, but doesn't wish to acknowledge it. Talk it over with him in confidence in a quiet, isolated place. The park, while walking, etc. Don't try to get it out from him too aggressively or he'll want to distance himself even more.
     
  8. Direct

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    its true, he really wishes he were straight, I know it and he knows it. He complains all the time that he "just doesn't feel a connection " to his girlfriend, but tonight he was over for thanksgiving dinner (Canadian), his girlfriend went home because she was not feeling well, but "Sam" stayed. After dinner, he and I just snuggled on the sofa for hours holding each other cuddling and gazing into each others eyes. He commented about how nice it is to "really connect" with someone.

    I love him so much words can't even describe.